Growth Decisions

ALV v4.1 Patch Notes

Currently Listening: The Killers - All These Things That I've Done
Currently Reading: Training and Racing with a Power Meter

After many false starts and numerous drafts, I'm finally getting back into my blog... for my sake.

This 1-year dry spell is the longest I've ever gone without a single blog post since 2010 and I am okay with that. I want to say that I was focused on trying to live my life but, more than likely, I didn't post very much because there was a general lull in the flux of my life. Not much was changing. Whenever I caught up with people, I would always give a similar answer to the question, "what's up?" "Not much.... work, tri stuff, boyfriend, Marshmallow..." Some of that was an intense focus on triathlon training and trying to be more practical in daily life (being more organized, simplifying my wardrobe, writing checklists, keeping a planner/calendar, NOT losing my phone or keys, etc.). While my external world was finding order and structure, my internal world was shelved away. Which is OK. To be an effective human, practical skills are things I need so it was necessary to shelve away my internal world...

Eventually, however, I ached to return to a deep-seated enthusiasm for life and I wanted my emotional and intellectual life to flourish again. I ached for change externally and internally. I wanted to really, truly commit to the best and happiest version of myself.

So these past few months, I...

• ... made a conscious effort to embrace the best parts of my social life.
• ... asked for a raise and better responsibilities at work (and got it!).
• ... broke up with my boyfriend when I decided that there was no longer any room for growth together.
• ... embraced my love of the outdoors (I went on a solo hiking trip and have many more planned).
• ... made a list of books to read and started reading again.
• ... made a list of things to do before I can allow myself to get into a new relationship. 

It's wild putting things in perspective after all that's happened. Here I am. Single. But not alone or lonely. I have a job where I am allowed to grow and cultivate the skills I want. I have a career ambition that I am finally confident in pursuing. I have a life filled with fulfilling friendships and hobbies. I am more confident, not just in who I am now, but in my ability to reach my potential. I have an intrinsic drive, forged through the fire of a past peppered with struggles, confusion, and tension. I no longer ruminate for too long and I keep things rolling as best as possible at the beck and call of life. When I get knocked over, I know I can get right back up.

It's strange to look back on old posts (both my private/public blog) and compare how I felt about myself back then to how I feel about myself now. After sharing my reasons for my breakup with a close friend, she commented on how proud she was of me -- how I never knew how awesome I was even though I was and how far I've come away from a place of insecurity to a place of confidence... now I know I'm awesome and deserve the right kind of awesome to match it. Happily, I genuinely feel this is true.

To close, the BEST thing I've ever done for myself over the last 8 years was learn how to be more self-compassionate. Self-compassion is SO necessary if you want to grow and share your light with other people. That's the goal of all this right? At least I like to tell myself this: I want to make myself better so I can help others and my community. To share light and love and compassion and everything in between --  that is the real aspiration here.

What's next? SO much more!

(Oh and a happy early 28th birthday to me!)

Juggling Life: Stepping back to look at the big picture

Disclaimer: Total "all about me" post impending.

I realized while I was chatting with my boyfriend after an essay exam describing the cardiac cycle in Human Physiology... that I'm juggling a whole heck of a lot of things.

"Working full-time, taking a class, training for a marathon, and maintaining my important relationships is HARD!"

God, for all the times I've ever felt inadequate and paralyzed in my life... I never stop to realize how much I'm accomplishing just by doing things. I was talking to a classmate of mine and describing my life story: how I was born and raised in SoCal, went to community college, got a scholarship to get my undergarduate degree in Chemical Engineering in Hong Kong, paid my own room and board through tutoring and played basketball on the collegiate team (lucky stroke, I guess), got my Masters degree from Cal/UCSF in Translational Medicine (a program that trains engineers, clinicians, and the business-savvy to take technology from benchside to bedside), and am now working at UCSF as a research coordinator/project manager en route to a potential startup that uses machine learning to predict cardiac arrests in the intensive care unit. It's not a perfect story as there were definitely hardships and obstacles and things I could have done better or even embraced better along the way (there still are). But DAMN. Am I lucky to have such a rich life, or what?

I stop, though, for a second and I think:

"To the outside world, I must seem extremely unfocused--doing so many things at one time and going so many places with so many different focal points. Maybe for other people, they need a straightforward trajectory. But me? I guess I've always needed exploration. I've always needed to throw a bunch of dots on the wall, albeit loosely connected, and paint a picture that way."

So that's how the whole life cartography (the title of my blog) thing comes in. That's me. I am mapping out my own life, my way. Maybe I'm just a free spirit that acts caged. Or I'm a caged spirit trying to sing. Whatever is happening, I've only begun to scratch the surface of the final masterpiece of life....

The following is an attempt to illustrate the current picture of my life:

Big themes:

• Sports and athletics, specifically, rehab from personal injury or self-imposed limitations.
• As reflected with all my previous posts which are ALL race reports, my current obsession is in the form of marathon training and cycling training. I'm constantly trying to take my training to the next level but need to be patient with aerobic training and injury prevention. My current foray into training involves low heart rate (Maffetone-influenced) pacing to build up my aerobic base.
• I'm currently taking classes that will help my fulfill the pre-requisites for PT school. So far, I've finished a Human Anatomy course (A) at CCSF and am working on a human physiology course. Here are the current requirements for the SFSU/UCSF DPT program: http://ptrehab.ucsf.edu/prerequisite-coursework. I'm taking this, literally, one class at a time. But I will be taking a break from it next semester (if I feel like I can handle it, I will be taking a SQL database course instead). Ideally, I'd love to be the first dual degree PhD student in the DPT program, but I would also aim for the Northwestern dual degree program in DPT/PhD (Eng): http://www.feinberg.northwestern.edu/sites/pthms/admissions/dpt-phd/index.html
• I feel like in order to "fit in" with the PT school stereotype, I need to finally achieve some of the lofty goals I set for myself: specifically, a sub-8 pace HM and a BQ Marathon time. LOFTY. But why set the bar any lower?! What is it that they say: "Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you'll land among the stars."
• In addition, I'm finding it hard for the extrovert in me to break out of the safety of my "I'm a nerdy engineer" shell.
• Healthcare technology/Bioengineering/Data science/and All things nerdy.
• I'm neglecting this quite a bit in my distractions with running and cycling. But I do feel like these things are a part of me. As mentioned, the classes are taking quite a bit of my commitment to work and research. Next semester, I will be reinvigorating my dedication to that.
• Data science: it's a love-hate kind of thing. I sort of just "fell into it" and so I never have had formal training. But I feel like I'm the person who could understand complicated patterns in healthcare. Specifically, EMR. But I think I could stand to learn more about physiological signals.
• Other goals in life:
• Volunteer mission. Before going to PT school, I want to volunteer my time in either my parents' country: the Philippines or another country (Nepal?) on a mission to improve sports education and physical therapy there via health programs, improved and affordable technology, and a better EMR system.
• Before the volunteer mission, I need to volunteer time in a dream PT clinic that will teach me the specific skills I need to learn.
• Learn Chinese. Ugh. I wish I had learned Mandarin when I was in Hong Kong. But it's nothing an immersion program couldn't solve? And maybe I could manage my mission in Hong Kong? I DON'T KNOW.
• Maintain a happy, long-lasting, mutually supportive and dedicated relationship. (Come now, who doesn't want this?)

What's next?:

• 5 year plan:
• Y1.25(remainder of 2016 and 2017): 
• finish physiology class
• personal athletic goals 
• learn more data science and physiological signals.. co-author 1 paper (EMR-related)
• superalarm development (startup?)
• Y2+3 (2018, 2019)
• work.. co-auther 2nd paper (physiological signal related)
• volunteer mornings at PT
• network and meet more PT and find more tech related to PT
• develop volunteer mission plan
• Y4 (2020)
• work work work
• volunteer mission! (3-6mo.)+language immersion (1 mo. or simultaneous)
• apply to PT school/PhD Eng
• Y5 (2021)
• PT school!!
• Y10.... be the director of a full-fledged neurorehab clinic. :O

Okay. So the dreams are lofty. But now that my crazy far-out ideas are here in the electronic abyss... maybe it will happen. Maybe I'll be unashamed or I'll learn how to be unabashed on my ideas in life. Maybe it'll go faster or slower than the 5-year plan proposes. But wow, I'll be 31 by then.... hey, if that's what it takes.

Everyone arrives... when they arrive.

April Commitment: Morning Medley

Last month was hard. This month, I'll try to simplify.

Morning Medley: Every weekday, when I wake up, I will follow this routine:

• For better energy: Drink a glass of water or a hot cup of tea
• For better core strength: 1-3 plant sets, starting at least 1'30'' per plank (use this time to think)
• For better directionality: Write down at least 1 long-term goal and 3 goals on a post-it note

The last one, I've already started doing for work and it's been working great. I write down my daily To Dos and keep my post-its in my work notebook. It's nice seeing them stack onto each other.

What I learned in March:

1. I should prepare better for exams! Set aside 4 hours per week to study outside of class.
2. My commitments should not underestimate impending stressors. I failed on both March commitments during exam week. I could not justify loss of sleep and stress over my diet during the most difficult Anatomy unit of the semester.
3. My diet strategy is too stressful and/or I spend way too much time planning my meals. I must simplify my eating habits.
4. Waking up at 6:30am is somewhat unrealistic given my varied sleep times. I still enjoy waking up at 6:30am... just not every morning. Getting adequate sleep is still something rather elusive to me. Maybe I need a minimum weekly total hours?

March Commitment: Meals at Home and Mornings to Myself

As part of my "focus" theme this year, I've decided to commit to a different exercise in self-discipline each month. This is partly inspired by Murakami, who struck me as an organic and surreal writer, but upon further research, had actually learned to be quite disciplined in his writing process. Talent is nothing without focus and endurance.

Again, this is really for myself. Self-proclamations that keep me personally accountable:

Meals at Home: The month of March, I will not eat out at restaurants. I will spend money on food only from the grocery store. I can, however, eat at friend/family houses or very special occasions (birthdays don't count but my friend's wedding reception does!).

Mornings to Myself: The month of March, I will wake up by 6:30am on weekdays. The first thing I will do in the morning is put on my robe and start hot water for my morning cup of tea.

Two challenges I'll face this month:

One, spring forward is March 13th. Which means 6:30am will feel like 5am after that date. I'll find a way to make it work!

Second, eating out at restaurants is how one socializes on the fly. But it's a commitment and I think my friends will understand. I'll solve this by bringing my own food and having meals prepped.

Currently Reading: What I Talk About When I Talk About Running (Haruki Murakami, 2007)

“I am struck by how, except when you're young, you really need to prioritize in life, figuring out in what order you should divide up your time and energy. If you don't get that sort of system set by a certain age, you'll lack focus and your life will be out of balance.” 

2016 New Years Themes

TLDR: My New Years "resolution" is to maintain a compassionate and conscientious identity while learning how to disconnect from the clutter, focus on what's important, and work towards personal wealth.

This year, my resolutions are centered around themes:

1. Disconnect

While I in school, I became reliant on social media. But during work life, social media is growing less appealing when it feels like I have to put more and more effort into image crafting and caring about what people think. The pervasiveness of social media has become a nuisance to me. Every time I check my phone with no notifications, I go straight to Facebook or Instagram, and it's usually of no productive value to me but it's an addiction! It's become so much of an addiction that I check my phone while driving impulsively. And that's really unsafe.

So one major theme of 2016, starting now, is "disconnect." I'm not sure how I will achieve this and how I will measure any success tangibly. I've heard of people swearing that smart watches change their life and during the brief week I had a Garmin Vivoactive, I can see why. A phone is something that is fully engaging while a smart watch limits your interactions and lets you stay on task. Because I had the smart watch to keep me inconspicuously connected, I was satisfied with my "connectedness" and rarely felt the urge to check my phone. It was great. Unfortunately, the Garmin Vivoactive did not live up to my aesthetic preferences and was too bulky for comfort on my wrist. I will keep an eye out for newer models of this watch.

One positive action that I'll take towards this is to hike and backpack more. I love the outdoors and I love taking in the scenery and, once I'm out there, I love the fact that I'm disconnected from society and work and all my human burdens. I love coming back and reconnecting, too, and I think that's part of what I'll enjoy from this theme. Honestly, I sometimes think the fundamental idea behind both the engagement with internet/social media and the search for great outdoors... is really that search for connectivity. They feel very different ... but isn't it true that we need people to feel connected to humanity and that we, conversely, need nature to feel connected to our personal humanity?

I feel like I'm halfway there. But I'll need to make an everyday, conscious effort to win this game.

2. Focus

This seems like a similar concept to the first, but my goals are different. I want to disconnect because I want to free myself from the clutter of "information overload" and from the need to "image craft" on social media. Once free, I want to fill it in with new, resonant, and/or productive things. But in order to do that, I must obtain a skill I has been underdeveloped for many years now: focus.

--the ability to set my mind on a task without getting distracted or being pulled in different directions. I've set many goals and resolutions in life only to be lost because I did not have focus. I've even started many unpublished blog posts that were unfinished because I did not have focus. It has to do with self-discipline against distractions, daily dedication, and determination even when failures occur. So instead of having goals or resolutions, I am going to work on my "focus" this year. That will be what is on my mind every time I tackle a new task.

To work on this, I will start with 15-20 mins of yoga stretch every day and 5 minutes of meditation every other day. Baby steps for now.

3. Wealth

For me, this is a weird theme. Money has always been a central theme in my life because it has always been a huge area of stress. My family has always been barely afloat on the financial front. I may have studied abroad on a tuition scholarship, but I struggled to make ends meet, feed myself, and pay for room and board. I used my free time in tutoring for money (and sometimes food) and had many stressful, sleepless nights. I had enough mindset to stay afloat because my mother was always very frugal and handled her credit well so our family never went completely broke.

However, in the game of wealth, I don't feel that I grew up with any role models. Wealth to a comfortable degree, where I could spend wisely but comfortably enough to buy nice, durable things, did not seem attainable to me while I was growing up. It was really just about survival...

I have to realize now that I am approaching a position where I can turn up. I've never felt interested in this whole grown up world of investments, mortgages, interest... Looking back, it was either because I never gave it much thought or I was scared of reaching very high (the less wealth you have, the less risks you can take).

In practice, tax season is coming up; time to really understand what I'm doing when I fill in those boxes! To start, I resolve to read more about how to manage my money, my wealth, and how to achieve enough to live comfortably and give back to my community. (Now taking book suggestions!)

P.S. Obviously this theme does not just apply to monetary wealth. :)

What I Learned from Dogsitting

Thoughts on Responsible Dog Ownership and Pet Obsession

If you know me well, you know I will often joke about how small dogs are not "real" dogs. It's not that I really think that they are a separate species (I go so far as to to joke chihuahuas and pompoms are big rats). I despise the idea that they were bred to look like permanent puppies that irresponsible dog owners can baby. Because they are smaller and and so "cute" and easier to handle and dominate, they are often irresponsibly bred, which I believe is the reason for the "chihuahua mix epidemic" in adoption shelters and kennels. Small dogs and dogs bred just for cuteness reflect human pet obsession and babying.

Larger dogs tend to encourage a more rewarding companionship since they cannot be treated like babies all their life. There's the puppy phase and then it's over after a year or so. However, they are likely to become abandoned dogs if they are not socialized properly or not given the proper love. They end up misunderstood when they develop aggression or uncontrollable behaviors as adults. Because of this, I despise the notion that pets are just pets. Do NOT bring a "just a pet" mentality to large breed puppies. Why do you think there are so many German Shepherd mixes and Husky mixes in the shelters?! </endrant>

The first domesticated wolves were allies to humans. We made it each other better and helped each other survive. Since the first alliance, dogs have evolved together with us. But in a modern, pet-obsessed culture, it's so easy to forget that these souls can form real, meaningful bonds with us that are forged out of respect.

The Adorable Toasted Marshmallow (Dogsitting)

Last month, I had the opportunity to dogsit our new family pup, a 10-month-old Japanese Akita, for a short span of 10 days. The Akita breed is a large breed of dog and it is classified among the most dangerous dog breeds, next to the Husky and the German Shepherd. Knowing this, responsible dog ownership over Mashi was very important to me.

In sum total, she gave me something to live for--outside of my work, my boyfriend, and my friends and family. She gave me a glimpse of what it took to really, truly be responsible for another soul: self-awareness, dedication, and time.

You have to be self-aware in everything you do with and around a puppy. In developmental psychology, the brain is constantly making positive or negative associations with events so every little action can affect their development. Associative learning is at the crux of caring for a young life. For example, one day Mashi ran out of the house while my landlord had the garage open. In my many years of dog ownership, I'd learned that chasing after a dog will only make the dog run away. So I slowly approached her and to my pleasant surprise she did not run away as I took hold of her collar. This was a key breakthrough because I wanted her to learn that being offleash was okay as long as she let me approach her and take her collar. If I brought her inside the house at that moment, I would end up letting her associate "the collar grab" with "ruining the fun of being offleash." So instead, I put her training leash (15 ft) on and had Marvin take her for a walk in the park. In contrast, many dogs associate the collar grab with being dragged somewhere they don't want to go. I was always on thinking about my actions, even the tiniest of ones, and trying to remain self-aware.  Most importantly, my self-awareness helped me communicate with the dog because it made me aware of how I was communicating with her and how she might communicate back.

Self-awareness also helps a lot with dedication. In my last microblog, I brought out the quote "being awesome requires constant vigilance." Nothing is truer when you care for another being. Consistency is a key principle of associative learning but it takes a great deal of patience and discipline to do the right thing the large majority of the time. While laziness is the great bane of consistency, I found that when there was another life on the line, I was less likely to be lazy. I got out of the house to walk her in the cold mornings and evenings. I made sure she made positive social contact with dogs at the dog park. And I made sure she was fed and exercised. With dedication and self-awareness, I ended up exercising awareness over Mashi's needs. (It wasn't all perfect. One morning I failed to exercise her adequately because I had an early work meeting... and she ended up chewing up my roommate's slipper.) But even though it was a demanding "job" to care for her needs, I really think the love I developed for Mashi and time I invested in her over the short 10 days made me a better person. It put things in perspective and got me out of my own head and that is a huge thing for me.

Last but not least, the most difficult requirement of all when caring for another soul: time. My demographic profile (female, mid-twenties in the Bay Area) is not something to take lightly. It's an age when time is limited, careers are mobile, relationships volatile. In the fray of it all, taking care of a dog seems like something that could disrupt my current set of priorities (skill/knowledge acquisition, career, social life, relationships). Don't get me wrong--I know that in the future, the honor of forming a lasting bond with "man's best friend" will be high on my priority list. That bond in itself is a huge, irreplaceable reward--not to mention the endless warm and fuzzy instagram-worthy pictures, loving cuddles, crowd-pleasing adorableness, and cuteness overloads. However, unless I had adequate financial resources and could tag team with someone or have reliable dogsitters of my own, I would not risk adopting a puppy or a young adult dog.

What I learned from dogsitting is that I'm not ready to responsibly own a dog yet. It was a relief to bring Mashi back to my home in SoCal so I could "live my own life." But in the near future, who knows?

I still want to adopt a border collie and name him Spock.

But I want to earn that dream.

Why I Feel Average

I'm feeling a bottleneck of emotions right now so here's a break from my usual program to pour out some thoughts. Pardon the authenticity...

One of my driving modes in life is to always share kindness and compassion with and for other people. And when I fail, I will accept all that life has to teach me about kindness and compassion, even when it reveals the ugly side of my egocentricity. I'm not trying to be a saint or anything, I just strongly believe that this world is better forged in love. Maybe I watched too much Disney and other movies as a kid... because, honestly,

"I want to see the world with eyes unclouded by hate." 

Maybe it's cheesy and maybe there are few people in this world that genuinely believe in the "power of love/friendship," as trite as the idea is in movies and popular media. Maybe I just feel more than the average person. Maybe I'm just naive and I've been brainwashed to want to "change the world/my community." Maybe it's all just empty emotion paralyzing me. I can't change the world with just a feeling... and sometimes I feel like these feelings aren't genuine, either. Because it's so difficult to trust the cheesiness of it all.

Maybe, after all, I'm just an average woman.

I'm especially tormented by my averageness when I feel envious, jealous, insecure, or irrational. Illustrate this with my most recent struggles with poverty mentality, body image, an overwhelming need to be validated by my loved one(s), and, most debilitating, a repressed tendency for social comparisons followed by a hidden obsession with social media stalking.

I've grown a lot over the past decade... but I still struggle and I still waste energy and mental bandwidth over these. The best example is this (and this is taking a lot of vulnerability to write): I've never been one to be jealous over exes but when she's a big part of your boyfriend's past, it's hard not to run into her ghosts, like when the world's smallness leads you to meet his high school friends, one of whom you met your boyfriend through. It's somewhat validating to hear that M and I are better matched but, even when this feeds my need for validation, I cringe at the hint of self-satisfaction I get. The only way I can cope with this is by telling myself how much I care about M and that, no matter who the ex was, what she looked like, how different they were, how different we are, she was a huge part of his life. She helped shape his personality, his viewpoints, his weirdness. I love him for those things and ergo, whoever she was, I'm thankful for her and she must be an awesome person to have been a part of his life for so long. I think this is a wonderful and very human way to see such a situation. And, when I have setbacks, this thought often moves me forward. With it, I've made a lot of progress.

Similar coping thoughts keep me forward in other aspects of my life. My body image has improved over the years but I still feel extremely insecure about my muscular and fuller build and body fat percentage. Now that I'm back to full activity, I have no excuses for myself. If I had any self-respect and real self-compassion, I would do what it takes to feel fitter and healthier instead of moping. I've learned to love my muscles and my curves but I'm angry about the body fat. So I wake up in the morning at 6:30 and hit the hills at 7am and most of the time, I really don't want to but by the end, I feel alive again.

It's that feeling of being alive, that feeling of self-respect, that rewards me along the journey. I just need to tackle my "averageness" with determination and wake up each day and...

"DO IT!!" *unh*

I've been unproductive in the past, paralyzed at my most emotional moments. And at those times, I've wished I wasn't so damn emotional. I find that while emotions can be an excellent driving force for action, it definitely seems easier to make yourself devoid of emotion completely. It's less painful, less vulnerable. Emotions as a driving fuel is like trying to harness solar or hydro- power--it can be limitless, renewable, powerful... but they're highly dependent on the weather and difficult to store. Fossil fuels (reason?), in the meantime, are so much more reliable until you learn how to utilize and manage your emotions properly.

Maybe humanity can't really ever let go of emotions because emotions succeed at making you feel alive whereas pure reason would make you feel robotic. It infuses life into what you do. It makes you more compassionate and kind, to yourself and to others. It makes you feel "human," whatever that means.

And if that's average, maybe we all need to be a little bit average...

Recently Watched: Inside Out (2015)
Currently Listening: About You (Fine Print)
Currently Reading: Consider the Lobster: And Other Essays (David Foster Wallace, 2005)

Fine Print - About You

Pride is something we all hide behind. Maybe life teaches what is justified. 
I must confess the past is not behind me yet.
Bring down my name--it only serves to slow me down. 

You know I felt like love was never gonna claim me, every fall was fraught with the sense of going under. But when I think about you babe, it all goes away, the skies have been blue lately (the weather's changing here)... when I think about you babe, when I think about you...

Turning tides is something that is slowly done but deep inside there's nothing we can't overcome. 
Then there are some days when nothing seems to go my way. And all my mistakes: loud as burning thunder. 

And it felt like love was never gonna claim me and it felt so hard to keep from going under.  But when I think about you babe, it all goes away, the skies have been blue lately (the weather's changing here).... when I think about you babe, when I think about you.

Experiences with the Poverty Mentality

I've always thought I had a "chip on my shoulder" when it came to my socioeconomic background and struggling immigrant parents. It doesn't sound terrible but it's evolved into a struggle with a festering poverty mentality, an attitude that is focused and obsessed with money, or the lack thereof. It can easily prevent you from actually attaining any sort of wealth or happiness.

There are three warning signs:

#1: A constant fixation with money

#2: Anti-rich people attitude

and the most detrimental:

#3: Fear-based decision-making

A high school friend of mine, who is by modern standards very successful, forced me to face this fact a few months ago. I had finally ended my student life and started making money... but not enough to feel comfortable and certainly not enough to help out my family (#1). So every time we'd talk, I'd bring up how I felt out of place and different from the money makers around me in the Bay Area. 

I was obsessed with the contrast of my upbringing with those of the yuppies of SF and more honestly, my boyfriend. I envied all the excessive things that money could buy, like aerial yoga or rock climbing gym memberships. I was concerned with status. I was concerned with not measuring up to my Bay-bred beau.

I didn't realize it but I was becoming very contemptuous (#2). 

Recently, I was in Lausanne with Marvin (admirable for his steadfast and non-judgmental nature) when I decided to make a concrete change in this mindset. We were walking to Lake Geneva to see the sunset. The expenses of Switzerland weighed heavily on my mind--and thoughts about money proliferate naturally to thoughts such as my pedigree. I asked him about the degrees that his parents had and subsequently lamented over my own parents, whose life struggles prevented one from completing a bachelors. At that moment, I realized I was on the way to ruining a perfectly good evening by subconsciously "guilting" him for having had "more." Even if he didn't feel it directly at that moment, that kind of behavior could easily cause resentment on both sides. And resent can be so, so harmful to the health of a relationship.

At that moment, I said: "I have to stop being so hungup on this... I am where I am now, and worked for it, and where I am is awesome." In Switzerland, no less. With my round trip plane tickets paid for by UCSF.

My hangups about money in Switzerland are another example. The first time we bought train tickets there, my mood irrationally plummeted to the point where I didn't want to spend any more even though I had knew I had set aside enough money for the whole Europe trip. I am always afraid of spending and always afraid of losing, which is markedly different from being frugal and simple. The difference is an irrational fear of loss against a logical understanding of necessity.

It is such wasted energy and such a lack of mindfulness for me to feel this way. 

A chip on my shoulder is good fuel to get you started but let's be real. I'm at a pretty good place now and it's time to mature.

#1: Fixation on playing the my cards to the field is better than a fixation on what I don't have in play.

#2: I could be inspired by the success of others rather than harbor resentment.

#3: My decisions should be more motivated by love and a greater desire to make the world a better place.

Lausanne, Switzerland

Terra Incognita (The Sirens of Titan)

Currently Listening: Style (Taylor Swift)
Currently Reading: The Sirens of Titan (Kurt Vonnegut, 1959); Snow Crash, audiobook (Neal Stephenson, 1992)

I finally feel it is time to return to blogging after my so-called "hiatus."

As part my self-cultivation goal, 2015 is going to be a year of Doing and Becoming for me (where previous years have been about Synthesis and Understanding). The idea of course is that I understand myself well enough to the point that if I continue this rate of self-analysis, I would be beating a dead horse. It's time to start making something out of what I've learned and converge more meaning out of my synthesis. "Forced" updates to this blog will remain personal and reflective and will continue at least thrice per month.

Pseudo-Solitude

Over the past few weeks, I felt, rather irrationally, that I was regressing a little. (Granted, new situations in life seem to be arising all the time. Emotional events, work stress, etc. all contribute to subtle neuroses.)

Knowing that the best solution sometimes is just to "get away" and spend some time with myself, I took a mini trip along PCH. I wanted the solitude and a few hours to clear my mind without the external influence of others.

I noted that I was somewhat desensitized to the awe of large cities and glamorous lights. And that numbness was even creeping towards the mystique of forests and endless expanse of oceans. It all started to look and feel the same to me. If I had to draw conclusions from that self-observation, it would be either (a) I'm still too obsessed with the connectivity of the internet and the telephone to experience any awe or (b) everything outward is the same (change is the only constant) and our experience of the outward has to do with the experience of ourselves in tandem. If (b), then perhaps I stand by the ocean to experience humility and I explore the forests to experience curiosity.

Incidentally, I borrowed Kurt Vonnegut's The Sirens of Titan from Marvin for this trip (amazingly, I've met someone who has the same taste in books as myself and, I presume, is an equal in literacy). It was very fitting for a solo trip focused on oceans and exploring "nooks and crannies":

The bounties of space, of infinite outwardness, were three: empty heroics, low comedy, and pointless death. 

Outwardness lost, at last, its imagined attractions. 

Only inwardness remained terra incongnita. 

That was the beginning of goodness and wisdom. 

I will leave it up to my future self and whoever reads this to guess what I might of felt when I got to this part of the book.

Vonnegut has a great writing voice and if I ever get around to writing my sci-fi novel(la?), I would claim his work to be very influential on me. He is deeply cynical but optimistic at the same time--a paradox which I feel resonates with my own views of the world. Biographer Charles J. Shields says it best: "he offers a mixture of wistful humanism and cynical existentialism that implies a way of dealing with modern realities completely different from that of most American writers."

"If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid." - Epictetus

There are many things I'd like to be good at and develop and yet the greatest barrier to refinement and excellence is often my fear. But I will happily claim that I am really learning to overcome these and "putting myself out there."

I make plenty of mistakes at work. And I contantly have to pick myself up off the ground and remind myself that it's okay, I don't need to be "perfect." I can strive to be perfect and I should not let that deter me from trying new methods or admitting mistakes or asking for help.

In The Sirens of Titan, Vonnegut described brain antennas used to control soldiers. Whenever, someone did something wrong, they would experience pain and discomfort. Only by ignoring the pain and completing an action to the end would the protagonist be able to learn--over time, it got easier (similar to exposure therapy). In the same way, judgement and feelings of failure are both painful and uncomfortable and the more we move past that, the greater our ability to do and become.

My recent foray into science communications is one example of "putting myself out there." I wrote a post not too long ago about wanting to be more journalistic in my writing and, while I felt the leap might have been premature, I had reached out to the writers of UCSF's student-run newspaper, Synapse. My thought was, if I don't have something that forces me to write and get exposure to critique, my progress as a writer would be languid.

So far, I've done an event brief, a contest winner announcement, and conference event coverage.

I'm both proud of what I've contributed and also very self-critical. I haven't been able to spend a lot of time on the work but I am forcing myself into it. And I'm optimistic that I'm taking positive steps. My PI even came in and complimented me on my writing and told me that my digital health article was well-written. I was glad for that. But I must improve!

I've made a little more sense out of everything I could regress to and everything I can reach towards. My hope is for steadfast improvement from now on.

"One's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions."

The Sirens of Titan rating: 4.5/5
Up Next: start Mother Night, finish Island, continue listening to Snow Crash

Hiatus

I've decided to take a temporary hiatus from public blogging (with the exception of ACL Chronicles). The hiatus could be a month or even longer. 

2015 New Year's Resolution

Continue cultivating a beautiful soul*, worth sharing with others. <3

Love,
--dreyers

*soul = vessel, being, humanity, etc etc

The Old Raja’s Notes on What’s What

(and what it might be reasonable to do about what’s what)

From Island by Aldous Huxley

I
Nobody needs to go anywhere else. We are all, if we only knew it, already there.
If I only knew who in fact I am, I should cease to behave as what I think I am; and if I stopped behaving as what I think I am, I should know who I am.
What in fact I am, if only the Manichee I think I am would allow me to know it, is the reconciliation of yes and no lived out in total acceptance and the blessed experience of Not-Two. 

In religion all words are dirty words. Anyone who gets eloquent about Buddha, or God, or Christ, ought to have his mouth washed out with carbolic soap.
Because his aspiration to perpetuate only the “yes” in every pair of opposites can never, in the nature of things, be realized, the insulated Manichee I think I am condemns himself to endlessly repeated frustration, endlessly repeated conflicts with other aspiring and frustrated Manichees. 

Conflicts and frustrations—the theme of all history and almost all biography. “I show you sorrow,” said the Buddha realistically. But he also showed the ending of sorrow—self-knowledge, total acceptance, the blessed experience of Not-Two. 

II
Knowing who in fact we are results in Good Being, and Good Being results in the most appropriate kind of good doing. But good doing does not of itself result in Good Being. We can be virtuous without knowing who in fact we are. The beings who are merely good are not Good Beings; they are just pillars of society. 

Most pillars are their own Samsons. They hold up, but sooner or later they pull down. There has never been a society in which most good doing was the product of Good Being and therefore constantly appropriate. This does not mean that there will never be such a society or that we in Pala are fools for trying to call it into existence. 

III
The Yogin and the Stoic—two righteous egos who achieve their very considerable results by pretending, systematically, to be somebody else. But it is not by pretending to be somebody else, even somebody supremely good and wise, that we can pass from insulated Manichee-hood to Good Being. 

Good Being is knowing who in fact we are; and in order to know who in fact we are, we must first know, moment by moment, who we think we are and what that bad habit of thought compels us to feel and do. A moment of clear and complete knowledge of what we think we are, but in fact are not, puts a stop, for the moment, to the Manichean charade. If we renew, until they become a continuity, these moments of the knowledge of what we are not, we may find ourselves, all of a sudden, knowing who in fact we are. 

Concentration, abstract thinking, spiritual exercises—systematic exclusions in the realm of thought. Asceticism and hedonism—systematic exclusions in the realms of sensation, feeling and action. But Good Being is in the knowledge of who in fact is in relation to all experiences. So be aware—aware in every context, at all times and whatever, creditable or discreditable, pleasant or unpleasant, you may be doing or suffering. This is the only genuine yoga, the only spiritual exercise worth practicing. 

The more a man knows about individual objects, the more he knows about God. Translating Spinoza’s language into ours, we can say: The more a man knows about himself in relation to every kind of experience, the greater his chance of suddenly, one fine morning, realizing who in fact he is—or rather Who (capital W) in Fact (capital F) “he” (between quotation marks) Is (capital I). 

St. John was right. In a blessedly speechless universe, the Word was not only with God; it was God. As a something to be believed in. God is a projected symbol, a reified name. God = “God.” 

Faith is something very different from belief. Belief is the systematic taking of unanalyzed words much too seriously. Paul’s words, Mohammed’s words, Marx’s words, Hitler’s words—people take them too seriously, and what happens? What happens is the senseless ambivalence of history—sadism versus duty, or (incomparably worse) sadism as duty; devotion counterbalanced by organized paranoia; sisters of charity selflessly tending the victims of their own church’s inquisitors and crusaders. Faith, on the contrary, can never be taken too seriously. For Faith is the empirically justified confidence in our capacity to know who in fact we are, to forget the belief-intoxicated Manichee in Good Being. Give us this day our daily Faith, but deliver us, dear God, from Belief.

Headlock

Currently Listening: Let Go (Frou Frou)
[Still] Reading: Thinking, Fast and Slow; The Isaac Newton School of Driving
Recommended Reading: Mindfulness in Plain English (Bhante Gunaratana, 1992), The Machine Stops (E.M. Forster, 1909 short story)

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

The most annoyingly epic 38-point #Scrabble play. #ZEN

Human relationships are a wonderful way of pushing your own boundaries and learning about yourself. In my most recent lesson, I realized that not only do I spend a a LOT of time thinking about random things, I have also locked myself in my head. My mind is a safe zone. I protect myself from losing the illusion of control I get from remaining in my head and outside of the sensational world. I am self-conscious. Not really about how I look, no. But about the physical manifestations of my soul... (does that sound weird or make any sense at all?)

In moderation, self-consciousness and deliberation are excellent constructs. They are tools for personal growth and development. Without self-awareness, I would not have this blog. Without deliberation, I would not be focused enough to work towards the person I'd like to become.

I can avoid an overall stasis and yet I cannot avoid paralysis in situations where it is essential to be in the moment. You see, I have this idea in my head that when I finally find the ability to "let go" and lose my inhibitions, I'll be able to dance and sing and feel things around me--truly live in the moment. I can't remember a time I ever felt truly lost "in the music" or "the rhythm" or even in nature. For example, I went to Rave of Thrones, my first [semi]rave, this week in SF and while I enjoyed myself, I recall myself caged in thoughts of what other people thought of me, my appearance, my inexperience... all because it was new to me and outside of my comfort zone. Why can't I just step out of my shell and embrace the vulnerability?

Everyone struggles with this. This entire "Life Cartogprahy" blog basically documents my efforts to deconstruct and restructure my world, find balance, and live life with conviction and managed inhibition.

Yes, I've been cultivating confidence all this time but the epiphany here is the existence of this headlock. Understanding my mental framework is the first step. Andrea "Unlocked" will take time; baby steps, baby steps.

Someone recommended mindful meditation as a way of processing my existing states. I prefer therapeutic jogs, but after knee surgery, I might need to turn to meditation to stay sane.

Mmmm... let's get it on, 2015.

Journalism

Currently Listening: Bonito (Jarabe de Palo), Ai Wo Bie Zou (Chang Chen-Yue)

I wish I was better at reporting things and telling stories. When I was at the Exploratorium yesterday

with Teresa, we followed Paul Salazar's stargazing tour (using his amazing green laser pointer oft used by astronomists). He spoke about the stars so eloquently and so passionately, it made me realize how lackluster my expertise is in various areas of my life.

Therefore, I've made it my goal to start writing in this bog in a more journalistic fashion. It is difficult to blog about real topics outside of my emotions/thoughts/goals. There are only so many posts that I can write about that are relevant to my goals and career before it gets tiresome.

Being more of a journalist will help me articulate what I know better and force me to research in more detail the things I would like to be an expert in. Maybe one day I can apply to write for Synapse, UCSF's newspaper!

I'll start with a list of things I'll have to force myself to write about:

• Health tech, Cloud computing (What is it? How are we leaning that direction?)
• Health tech, Economic impact (Does health tech save the healtchare industry money or is it just another bleed?)
• Various meteor showers each year (What are the best ones to watch? Where should you go? How to prepare?)
• Ultimate fris culture (Why can't it be a pro sport?)
• Rehabilitation engineering (What is it? Why is it important?)
• Eye cancer, an orphan disease (What types exist? How rare is it? Why does it occur?)

New Content

Currently Listening: http://www.noonpacific.com/

"When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves."

It's been a very transitional past couple of weeks so I've been holding off on my weekly blogging goal. It's taken quite an effort to climb out of my funk. Life has gone from starting a new job to adjusting to the social implications of said job to restarting hobbies.

Recently, I conversed with a friend who rightly said that it takes more effort to "make things happen" when you start working. As a result, I've come up with a set of goals (and their respective sub-goals) to focus on for the next few months.

1. Reach a working fluency in Spanish. 

• Hold a conversation with Sofia entirely in Spanish by February (maybe visit her in Mexico City this winter break)
• Write every other blog post in Spanish (I will probably end up writing it in English, then using Google Translate extensively to translate it haha)
• Reach a Duolingo 100 day streak
• Learn to sing 5 new Spanish songs

2. Take up Mandarin again.

• Learn to sing 5 new Chinese songs by the end of February (one song per month)

3. Start swimming for fitness.

• Obtain a UCSF gym membership by November
• Be able to swim 10 laps without stopping

4. SEE AN ORTHOPEDIST.

• Set an appointment, get MRI, get a diagnosis. Seriously. Stop putting it off.

5. Become a sci-fi geek.

• Read 10 new books from the NPR "Your Picks: Top 100 Science-Fiction, Fantasy Books" (2 new books every month)
• Watch the old Star Trek series!

6. Reach Silver on League of Legends. (HAHA yes, I did just make that an official goal.)

These should keep me busy for a while! :)

Check out this awesome view from my office on Wednesday afternoons!

My friend is subletting a place on Panoramic Hill. And the view is also amazing...

Tried to go see NASA with Stellina. But we failed to get past all the parking traffic. :( Had a fun time hanging out with South Bay friends, though! Yay!

Mothers & Fathers

My mom's birthday passed last week but I didn't get to see her because she went home to the Philippines. On the day she was supposed to celebrate being brought into this world by her own mother, my mom had to take time off to deal with the loss of her mother, my grandma. She was already in her 90s, which is an age most people are lucky to reach, and had many of the health issues associated with senility. In some capacity, my mom was prepared for the loss as part of the circle of life. But still. My mom has spent more than 25 years in the USA, returning to the Philippines only on occasion.

In addition, the father of a friend/sister to me passed away. He was middle-aged - so it definitely felt more of a life cut too short. My friend was very close to her father and she was very much inspired by him - which, coupled with hard work, talent, and a bit of luck, culminated in the success she's had in her career thus far. She was in New York when she heard the news.

An overarching theme surrounding death has always been a sense of "lost time." My mom was in the USA when she heard the news of her last living parent. My friend was on the opposite coast. I never really realized how profound of an impact it had to not be present during a loved one's last dying breath. It's as if any chance you could have had for closure is stolen away from you; no matter how "prepared" you think you are, it's still all too sudden and all too much. The only comfort you really have is the last time you saw him or her; and even that can be a distant memory if you don't make sure to treasure it.

We never really treasure our time with our parents. We spend the first quarter of our life living in dependence of them and taking it for granted because that's all we've ever known. Eventually we become independent and we begin to live our own lives - find a significant other, more friends... We expect them to be there when we eventually have children of our own because they've told us all our lives "When you have kids..." or "I'll take care of your kids for you..." So I guess the cliche holds true. We should really try and treat every moment as if it's our last.

Path to my First Job

During my job search, I'd heard descriptions such as green, inexperienced, eager, enthusiastic. I'm young with limited industrial experience, coming from a loosely connected educational path. From community college to chemical engineering with a minor in bioengineering to translational medicine to clinical research? And I also studied in Hong Kong for three years? It's certainly no straight shot career path.

All in all, I've learned a lot from each step of the way.


Community College

When I was a high school senior, my parents' combined income suddenly hit zero, and suddenly a four-year college seemed impractical when financial aid offices thought I was still from a lower middle class family. So I decided to go to community college; there, I learned a bit about supporting myself and aiming for the stars. I was the smart cookie but my perspective broadened. Smart people are everywhere; it's life circumstances that differentiate us on the societal scale.

It's not about the cards you've been dealt, it's how you play your hand.


Bachelor of Engineering

After my 2-year stint in community college, I went to Hong Kong with a scholarship and pursued my B.Eng in Chemical and Bioproduct Engineering.

Fun fact: Chemical engineering is not math, physics, and chemistry combined, at least where I studied it. It's actually a whole beast of its own, playing with more open than closed systems, heavy computational power, and chemical manufacturing processes. If you want to make millions in the oil/chemicals industry, then study this. If not, I'd investigate the program more to see if it's really what you want... If I had wanted math, physics, and chemistry combined, I should have pursued biophysics. Then I would have fulfilled my desire to dive into theory.

However, engineering did teach me many invaluable things. For example:

• Approach a problem through a systems framework by piecing together specifications, known and unknown variables, relationships (equations), and goals. 
• Always look to innovate and optimize processes/products - this is the ultimate job of the engineer.
• I learned how to work in a team and manage relationships with supervisors and teammates.
• Make smart decisions from a business perspective. Are products easily integrated into current markets or processes? Or, do you intend to be a disruptive technology - in which case, how will you go about transforming existing trends so that your technology or product is adopted?
• Think outside of the box. Or draw a bigger box. (Life is an open system, after all!)

Hong Kong, needless to say, overwhelmed me with lessons on independence, adaptation, time
management, and interpersonal skills. I always felt like I was behind the curve, so to speak. But I worked hard to overcome many of my weaknesses. Undergraduate education was a very exploratory part of my life - where I was unknowingly trying to discover who I was, what I was good at, and what kept me motivated. I had a keen interest and ability in almost everything I did but when things became difficult, be it schoolwork, financial, or social, I would fall out and fail to follow through.

During this time, I was also in a long distance relationship with a nice guy back home. That relationship kept me grounded and also kept me ambitious at the same time. He validated me and my dreams and it was awesome but at some point we, cliche as it is, somehow got too comfortable and that suppressed personal growth on both our parts.


Master's Degree

After getting my B.Eng and leaving HK with limited success, I entered a selective master's program, which I felt would teach me everything I needed to know to enter the professional world of biotech and translational medicine.

I came in with a few goals in mind. I was going to connect the dots of my seemingly disjointed career path and, therefore, find what I really wanted in my next career steps.

Professionally, some career-related observations I made were the following:

• I loved working with people
• I enjoyed challenge and cross-functional projects, which is what is appealing about research
• I like working on many projects and thrive in the start-up phase of projects
• I want a career in healthcare and biomedical innovation

In the end, I knew I wanted to begin my career in clinical research. And pursue a doctorate after five years.


A Crash Course in Personal Growth

Midway through my master's, my boyfriend and I broke up. And, I'll be Captain Obvious here, but my life really seemed to change from that point.

For years while I was in a relationship, I had been comfortable. My main problem had been that my attention was constantly focused outward... on my significant other... on the validation received and not received from my S.O. or friends or family... on outward signs of achievement. That is like building your house on sand. Yes, in many ways, I had always been pushing myself outside of my comfort zone but my attention was not focused on myself: inward for strength and change.

I approached life after the breakup not hating or blaming my boyfriend for breaking up with me - I loved him, and out of love, I was forced to examine myself. I realized that I was severely lacking in emotional maturity and still acted on traumas accrued from my childhood and former friendships/relationships. I had a strong desire to change for the better so that the best possible outcome could be achieved and I ended up going to counseling/therapy (a free service provided to Cal students).

Through counseling, I developed my own process for gaining the surety and confidence that I needed:

1. Admit I am way too self-critical, to a paralyzing extent
2. Practice self-compassion
3. Identify my own value and love myself (self-understanding)
4. Love others
5. Re-evaluate and ensure my inner values match my actions
6. Pursue change or improvement where necessary
7. Repeat steps where necessary

The important thing about "lifelong learning" is that you develop a habit for change - extending out to career goals as well as personal goals. We should be content with our lives without being comfortable. We should be happy with our lives without losing hunger.

The Hunt

"Don't forget to be awesome." That is a good slogan - not because it is easy but because it is hard. Being awesome requires constant vigilance. (Hank from vlogbrothers)

The past few months during "The Hunt" put everything I learned to the test. The lessons went from playing my hand right to engineering problem solving and persistence circling back to my ideas for a career to confidence. It was stressful. There was uncertainty and fear. There were moments where I wanted to take steps backward or give up. There were moments where I doubted my optimism would last me... I was financially at my wit's end.

But here I am now. I've got all this education, training, and now, confidence. I know who I am, what I want, and how to attain it.

And at this juncture in life, I'm proud to say that I've accepted a job offer as a Clinical Research Coordinator at UCSF in the Department of Ophthalmology, Ocular Oncology.

I am officially the new kid on the block.

(Official "Career" labeled post will be made once I get the official letter and start date.)

Musings on the Map

Currently Listening: How to Train Your Dragon OST
Reading Queue: World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War & The Zombie Survival Guide (Max Brooks), Eat, Pray, Love (Elizabeth Gilbert)

1) Personality Typing

The past few months, I've had several conversations about Meyers Briggs Type preferences. Typing personalities is an interesting concept because personalities are fluid. And while some may argue that MBTI is not a useful or validated metric for personality, it seems to be a good guideline. With MBTI alone, you would not be able to account for external factors that affect our propensities such as upbringing, life experiences, culture, and genetics. For me, however, it serves as a good basis for assessing personal strengths and weaknesses and how I can work on personal growth and development.

The four letters as they apply to our types can be described most easily from the MBTI Manual:

Favorite world: Do you prefer to focus on the outer world or on your own inner world? This is called Extraversion (E) or Introversion (I).
Information: Do you prefer to focus on the basic information you take in or do you prefer to interpret and add meaning? This is called Sensing (S) or Intuition (N).
Decisions: When making decisions, do you prefer to first look at logic and consistency or first look at the people and special circumstances? This is called Thinking (T) or Feeling (F).
Structure: In dealing with the outside world, do you prefer to get things decided or do you prefer to stay open to new information and options? This is called Judging (J) or Perceiving (P).

Since I have often had to explain MBTI to others, I've found that extraversion and introversion are often misinterpreted as whether or not one is outgoing and social or quiet and not-quite-as-social. In actuality, extraversion and introversion is generalized to where a person gets their energy--externally or internally. For example, an introvert may not prefer being around too many people at a party because it is more difficult to access their internal world when there is so much going on externally. Additionally, an extrovert would have trouble feeling mentally stimulated when they are alone or in an location that does not seem interesting to them.

MBTI preferences are also interesting for understanding type dynamics in the workplace and in personal relationships. My type, for example, is theoretically a good match with INTJs because of our complementary needs - mentally, emotionally, and psychosocially. I'm discovering more and more that the people I have gravitated towards in my life are INTJs. They are all unique people apart from each other. Most of them I can relate to based on common interests, background, or values but I sometimes won't have much in common with them. However, the common denominator in all my relationships with these people is that they seem to bring order and stability into the way I think, which is usually haphazard, inclined towards non-linearity, and oriented towards the big picture. They challenge me to be a better person while allowing for me to be myself (happy, caring, and people-oriented). I gravitate towards them because I am intrigued by the way they think and operate.

2) Choosing my own adventure (inspired by an INTJ - yay for segues!)

Recently, I was asked what my 5-year plan was. If I could choose my own adventure, where do I see myself in 5 years? That's a good question. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? There are so many possibilities!

My answer at the time was this:
I would be...
... managing research projects in biomaterials with orthopedic applications
... married
... in the process of starting my own rehabilitation clinic focused on new research/technologies. I want to be able to still make an impact by bringing new ideas in from translational medicine!
... considering children (or maybe have one on the way)
... considering further education (possibly physical therapy school?)

Upon further thought, I would add these details: I would be married to someone who is simultaneously my best friend, life teammate, and greatest love of my life. I'd be more knowledgeable, grounded, and very competent at follow-through for new ideas. I'd be able to say I was well-traveled and good at planning trips. I'd know how to code! And finally, I would have paid off all of my student loans and still have a lot of savings.

3) What is the end goal?

Every time someone asks me where I see myself in X amount of years, my mind revisits this little snapshot I once envisioned... with myself as a physical therapist. In this snapshot, I'm helping people recover motor function - be it from neurological disability or injury that required surgical repair. I have encountered a lot of skepticism whenever I mentioned PT to people who understand that I have studied engineering. The general feeling from the skeptics is that if I ever went to PT school, it would be a waste of my engineering education. A few months ago, I was told it was illogical. When I was told that it sounded illogical, I was taken aback for a bit by the criticism. It hurt, actually, and made me sad and unsure of myself.

But I thought about it some more... I don't feel it is illogical to enrich my life with different types of experiences until I get to my 'end goal' (if I had to dream the perfect dream... it would be heading my own PT clinic focused on clinical research and new tech - similar to the Rehabilitation Institute of Chicago). A unique journey and having a lot of experience to draw from is my preferred mode of operation. For example, studying abroad in HK placed me in a position for many lessons on independence, simple living and avoidance of excess, adaptability, sensitivity to other peoples' ways of life, and communication. I know that I could be very good at starting new things, integrating ideas and concepts, and being diplomatic. I could use my developed people skills to manage projects, but through my experiences abroad, I have also found that there are many things I still need to work on such as follow-through, self-discipline, and consistency (these are developed but can always be improved).

Being an engineer is also very different being someone with a patient-centric occupation or a people-oriented job, which I would enjoy. However, it is valuable to be able to take engineering approaches to both managing research projects and leading a rehabilitation clinic's operations.

Knowing that people would be very critical of how seemingly haphazard my path is - the best take away is that I should not jump into new ventures on a whim. I should still know my general direction and ensure that everything I do serves a purpose, either directly or indirectly. And that is why I need to think more about my 5 year snapshot!

I'm still charting the course and enjoying where I'm at now. My goal is to have an interesting life and have an impact on my world/community. That is the value I hope to create for myself.

4) Snapshots from Random Social Happenings! (in no particular order)

7/6 - Skype dinner date with awesome long-time friends! <3

7/20 - National Ice Cream Day at Fenton's!

Good times with beautiful people :)

First time doing nails with 'the girls' =]

7/18 - Triple Rock with these amazingly awesome people!

7/3 - Fourth of July SoCal trip - Roscoe's Chicken & Waffles

7/20 - Ramen Festival SF!

7/9 - Oakland foodventure to Homeroom (mac & cheeses) + Fenton's afterwards