Constipation

blabbering:

mindfulness has become a very hailed topic in this transforming society - where consumerism and information overload is rampant. several years ago, i read "mindfulness in plain english" and it was very eye opening but i don't think i ever put it into practice. though i was mindful that i needed to be mindful. and i knew how to take an emotion, chew on it, then let it go. over the years, however, i've been learning that this process can and should be applied to other aspects of life (other than dealing with emotions which used to have such a strong control and influence over me).

one such area is in my struggle for productivity.

let's take "writer's block," for example. what is it?

it's when ideas can't find a way out. or ideas can't find a way in. or something in the neural pipeworks is broken and all that comes out is jumbled mess of god knows what. you end up paralyzed and frustrated and fixated on things that don't help you get "out" of the writer's block. something is stopping you from being creative or writing down something or being productive, in the way that you want to be. you either have to let new ideas in, fix the pipeworks (e.g. refine your writing skills), or open the clogged faucet somehow.

it's sad to think that despite all of the information we are consuming in this day and age - current events, ideas floating around, television, and so much media - there is such a lack of outflow from those consuming. i find this true of myself. i have yet to ask if others experience this as well.

in short, i could say that one of the main reasons i often find myself paralyzed in life is that i'm mentally constipated, not paralyzed... in my little fairytale land of analogies, this makes so much sense. there's so much to take in, so much to let go of, and so so much to digest and spit out.

sometimes i want to collect and absorb, and that's great. but other times i have to let things out.

but hopefully it's not explosive diarrhea....

sunset peak

under the lens i lend to you,
 i invite you to the landscape of my mind.

but how vexing this feeling is --
  feeling seen and examined --
though i long for it.
i want to be seen.
i want to be understood.
 (it's not an uncommon feeling, is it?)

after years of loaning --
 i am used to returns.
maybe my stories never mattered,
 but i'll tell them anyway,
 if you'll listen.
 we can trade.

but then you asked for the prequels --
 watched the trailers reel --
longed for something too.
could i even dare,
with your stories,
 to co-imagine the sequels?

someone asked for more.
 how unfamiliar.
long ago, a naive self felt this before,
 blinded by my own hopefulness,
 and now: caution.
 skepticism.

too many times i've fallen off the deep end,
 wanting so badly to feel something real.

so let me sit here for a moment..
 and maybe i'll yield
 maybe i'll
 drift.

mokelumne wilderness

when we were together,

you were the salience of a stable calm
in the chaotic winds of change -
moments that made me better.
moments that made you love -
i was the essence of warm sunlight
scattered in an achromatic meadow.

we climbed mountains,
i pushed you further,
you drew me inward.
home was always within.
and we saw that through the leaves
from the forest floor.

we laughed, hugged, joked, loved..
i learned and you learned and we learned.

but it didn't last like we said it would.
we theorized - said forever in passing.
but did we truly believe it?

when i find an old memory, i might feel homesick
and i'm fraught with questions:

could i have tried harder?
could i have yielded more?
could i have loved better?
could i have been more patient?

pointless recursions -
the answer is always the same
(maybe / not enough / we grew apart)
the night changes
and we're only human - only human.
i let the rain fall
and then i look inward
and i touch the newness of a clear sky
from the mountain of my own soul.

we were only almost forever
but we loved, and that was certain.
there was so much good -
so much to remember -
but most of all,
you changed me for good.

because of that
i can look back and say
"that was wonderful.
thank you, old soul,
old friend."

i know that will last.

Give me the wind

I realize how different this is.

How alone I am... 

  not lonely, but surely, alone.

The longer I swallow my own identity,

  the more I feel like no one can ever be "right."

The more grounded I am,

  the harder it is to be swept off my feet.

Also, opening up my heart --

  opening up my life --

  letting someone in,

  knowing someone deeply,

  I'm damn scared.
Somehow that scares me now
  more than it ever has before.

Give me the wind instead,

  the open roads...

Rain Run Therapy

I don't remember the last time I ran in the rain before last night. But I do remember how therapeutic running in the rain is.

Running in the rain... is one version of compassion to myself. 

At times, I'd just close my eyes and feel the coolness of each droplet as my legs turned over on the soft polyurethane. I'd feel the kick of droplets onto my calves and the slick of my Columbia rain jacket. The air was cool and had a beautiful, crisp quality to it.

My mind whispered my running mantra: "Quick. Smooth. Relaxed." again and again. 
My cadence steadied with each instrument of thought.

I am on a track and I know exactly where I am going--into the present. I'm not anywhere else but in the rain, running.

And I know I never want to go back. I look forward towards a better me while remaining present.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we all found compassion for ourselves?

MapMyRun app and GPS kept crashing. I'm not even mad.

Currently Listening: The Killers - All These Things That I've Done

I am truly, truly blessed.

I've intentionally started to detach myself from my major social media outlets: Facebook and Instagram. I only post on Instagram on weekends (and on Marvin's phone where it's installed). And I'm a little ridiculous because I even made a secret pact with myself that I would only post pictures to Facebook seasonally (once every 3-4 months) unless I had a big trip update.

Why do this? I think, essentially, I really want to be more authentic and connected with people physically around me rather than be distracted by image crafting. I want to capture pictures for the memories.

It's harder than it sounds, though:

1) Facebook is really helpful in keeping memories logged chronologically, so I do see some contradiction and pointlessness in my resolve.

2) In person, I have to give story context in a more engaging way (which I'm getting better at). And, if I haven't told a story many times before, I'm less practiced.

3) But the most difficult part is... sometimes I just want an outlet for my feelings.

Sometimes I just want to shout out to the virtual world.

So here is my most recent one:

"When he's your best friend, training partner, and life teammate, every day is happiness."



Life has been so stressful lately. But he's been a bright spot in my life. He keeps my grounded and full of perspective. I am truly, truly blessed.

Growing up into Fate

Growing up.

I've been thinking that maybe "growing up" really just means working on and strengthening bits of our humanity. Growing up and staying grown up requires work. Week by week, I'm required to make little choices and perform small tasks in things such as emotional maturity, kindness, fiscal responsibility, and career progress.

I constantly make choices to sway me towards a certain direction. Whether it's accumulating experience, knowledge, or skills. I make a choice when I sit down and read a book or watch a youtube video. I make a choice when I go for a run or a bike ride.

I wish I had possessed an intuitive understanding of this in high school and college: how little things add up to larger things and how attention to the little things was your due diligence to a larger picture or goal.

But I'm glad I eventually came to this conclusion on my own and although I feel "behind" everyone else in success, I am content knowing I'm on the path to becoming my own person.

Fate. Destiny.

I actually believe that everything happens for a reason. I prefer beliefs in destiny, fate, and karma over chaos and randomness. Without such beliefs, it would be impossible for me to maintain a sense of sanity in this forever changing and dynamic world. The unexpected can always strike because it is impossible to see all of the seemingly infinite variables of life's equation. Making sense of the chaotic and seemingly random is why mathematicians work with summations and series and laplace transforms. In fact, laplace transforms are the reason I clutch onto fate and destiny.

If every action we take turns us into a certain person and leads us towards a certain path and towards certain places in life, spiting even the most difficult of circumstances, therein lies our fate/destiny. God plays a part but he gives us control and free will over what we do with our circumstances.

In many ways, I feel like I was destined to meet the people I have formed relationships with in my life. I ended up here in the Bay Area, despite my shortcomings as a young and naive soul with many imperfections. Looking back, I feel happy. But I continue to grow up and I strive to make my destiny even better.

Nerdfighter

I secretly (or not so secretly) watch the vlogbrothers. A lot. By far, my favorite video contains these awesome words from Hank Green:

"A slogan of nerdfighteria these past seven years has been Don't Forget To Be Awesome, and that is a good slogan, not because it is easy, but because it is hard. Being awesome requires constant vigilance, and you will slip up, whether because of ignorance or because of selfishness or because of outright malice, or because you're drunk. But you have a choice, after you've done something crappy, you can transform into one of two things. Either you can regain your awesome through actual apology, or you can become a fartbag."

"Being awesome requires constant vigilance" is probably the phrase that plays most frequently in my head as it applies to... everything in life. Being awesome is hard and sometimes I just want to be a potato but then I realize that I'm only 25 and by golly I've got a plethora of quests to complete and the possibilities are still endless and the day will come when I will slay a dragon or something. Some weeks it takes me a lot longer to realize this and sometimes it's instantaneous. Either way, I must apologize to myself and forgive myself for not being awesome. And fight on.

Is that all?

faith

noun

1. confidence or trust in a person or thing
2. belief that is not based on proof
3. belief in God or the doctrines or the teachings of religion
4. belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit, etc.
...

The list goes on.

Faith, by the second definition cited here, is irrational. But why do we as humans seem to need it? Has it not been a double-edge sword to human progress?

Faith is often used in science. Some in the scientific community have faith that interstellar space travel will be possible. Some in the scientific community have faith that we will discover cheap, safe, and effective ways to harness renewable energy. The timeline is unknown, sure, but science works towards these goals. However, our current physical models do not support such beliefs. Interstellar travel isn't even theoretically possible right now. Our knowledge of physics is limited. And yet, we have these flashes of brilliance: gravity, string theory, the God particle (Higgs-boson)... that provide glimpses of a world not our own.

Without faith in our own curiosity and search for expansion, would we yield to our limitations?

It's a simple concept, isn't it? Faith?

Faith is used in the absence of knowledge and certainty. Without a belief in whatever thing you want to believe in, we relent to the view of our limited certainties. Inspiration dies.

You can have faith in anything, really- enough to seek out the fruition of that belief. God, renewable energy, interstellar space travel, the soul, etc.

That which you manifest is before you.

Life as we know it is mysterious and I don't believe that this is it.
Keep going, do your best, reach forward into the unknown, and have faith.

Currently Watching: Star Trek: Voyager (Season 4, I'm so obsessed with this show!)

Bits and Pieces (microblog #3)

The words of love that run through my head:

Vulnerable

yet-

Never so real or complete,

safe, special, wanted,

soothing my soul,

be my best: optimism, zest,

washing dishes, fixing beds,

cooking dinner,

together,

make you happy

stuff of mad respect and admiration

competence, ability,

quirkiness, quiet confidence,
amazing, cool,

the perfect combination of nerdy and badass,
honeymoon phase

want to know you even more,

what makes you tick,

what and who made you you

courage, learning,

invincible,

jump into the ocean

fall asleep, holding hands,

warm, comforting,

connection

Cupiditas

A common saying, and an apt generalization, is "money is the root of all evil." or Radix malorum est cupiditas, a Latin translation of Paul's first epistle to Timothy. Greed (love of money) is the source of all sorts of evil.

Money is a great enabler of freedom. With freedom comes the ability to play give and take with the world. Great responsibility.

As a result, "evil" is enabled.

Still, great "good" is also possible.

In the natural search for freedom, our desires run free, either untamed or disciplined. "Evil" and "good" are both enabled here as well.

Hmm.

Paved Paradise

On Sunday, I checked off the "Filed my own taxes for the first time" box on the "All Grown Up" list! That means... money for my travel to Europe this summer! Yay!

Just gonna post pictures from Google images and a few activities/sites of interest that will help excite me. :D

Paris, France (4 days, ISOO Conference): The Louvre, Eiffel Tower, 

London, U.K. (2.5 days): British Museum, Big Ben, Abbey Road, Taste of London
Outside London: Stonehenge, Oxford?

Berlin, Gemany (3 days): biking, Berlin Wall, nightlife, Reichstag, photoautomaten, Holocaust Memorial, fleamarkets: Flohmarkt am Arkonaplatz 

The Alpen, Switzerland (5.5 days): Inn to inn hiking! :D

Barcelona, Spain: Guell Park, Climbing, Beach/sailing?, nightlife
Outside Barcelona: Montserrat

Currently Listening: Big Yellow Taxi (Counting Crows)

Whims of Time Travel (microblog #2)

'If you could live each day twice,

Source: Libby Watkins Illustration

The first, take life as it comes,
The second, savor every moment's strums-
Change not a thing.'

'If you could live each present best,
Project the ends ahead by a day,
Prepare for the hurt and optimize the sway-
Change not a thing.'

I only know this: I need a rhythm.
Music can only be played in time,
So the only way to dance is in step-rhyme.
I can't change a thing.

But if a lifelong dream's a crime,
I would choose to be yours, as two outlaws,
Navigating time, a one-way dance without pause.
I won't change a thing.

Kite Flyer (microblog #1)

We are tunneled into looking at moments two, maybe thousands, of steps ahead- and we tether, often, onto moments of the past.

As a result, we fail to notice the moments we have in the palms of our hands. But these are often truer than the past or present ones.

These are the ones where your heart and your mind can meet.

When he and I both looked up at the sky, holding the same strings, it was just that kite and us: that kite was the moment, in the palms of our hands, prancing with the temporal winds and the twilight. 

And just for a twinkling second, my heart and mind seemed to agree on something beautiful.