Catch and Release

After a swing of self-avoidance drove me to a few sleepless nights, I finally realized that the only thing to do is ... to actually do something. Instead of blogging last night to alleviate my restlessness, I did what any crazy person would: I followed my impulses to go watch the sunrise. 

This funny balancing act of patience and action, catching and releasing, has me occasionally jumping off the deep end.

It doesn't help that the seasons are changing and an increase in daylight might be causing a physiological effect resembling mental restlessness.

But... more daylight means summer is coming!

It means more sunrises and sunsets and summer meteor showers.

It means playing tennis on a warm Saturday afternoon and feeling sunkissed afterwards.

It means more energy to get in shape and work on my personal side projects.

It means friends' weddings and good times with good people.

It means dancing lessons and hiking adventures and new experiences <3.

In April, I'm volunteering at the annual conference for the International Society for Computerized Electrocardiography held in San Jose!

In June, I'm going to Paris for the International Society for Ocular Oncology for a workshop! I am finally taking that biking trip in Europe, yo.

I'm also planning a mini-instagram project with Stellina (#adventureswithmyunicorn) and Kepler (#wolfyadventures). The two will continue going on their respective adventures hoping to one day to find the one they can journey with together. They will often just barely cross paths. They will be happy but whimsical, often unable to place cosmic significance on the events that transpire during their adventures but feeling like they should. I'm still storyboarding but this was a really good idea inspired by Leo.

Though the future can be terrifying, I have many reasons to be brave. 

Many uncertainties also mean infinite possibilities. 

Currently Listening: Catch & Release (Deepend Remix) - Matt Simons,

Hide and Seek

In a few of my many pensive moments, I've attempted to write down what I'd like to be remembered by when my mortality catches up with me. I've got the basic ideas:

• an inspiring, charming person who was
• strong-willed and kind-hearted,
• weird in an endearing, d.g.a.f way,
• courageous, active, a leader,
• loving, happy, and zesty.

I almost feel a reflex of shame as I think about how I'd like to be remembered. Maybe because I'm not there yet or maybe because I've been conditioned against any sense of self, confidence, and overly-sentimental mentalities. Against this reflex, I just want to slap myself silly and say, who the f**k cares? So what you want to leave a legacy? Many people, deep down, are searching for a legacy and deeper meanings to their meager existences! Just know that somehow, you're going to write a book, forge new paths in health services, and make sweet, sweet love wherever you go. (Calm your silly minds, can I just use words without double entendre?)

Spitefully, I'm dissatisfied with my current legacy palette. I just can't pinpoint the missing ingredient. A little more spunk? More polarization? Or are my amiability and ability to see from other POVs facets of personality that cannot thrive in extremity? Can I start drawing lines in the sand without compromising the colors of the wind?

In the end, thinking about a potential legacy deeply means I must face my internal values and the pitfalls of my ego. I am by no means perfect and nowhere near a finished product. There are many other things I'd like to become and I'd be lying if I said that I would be completely at peace with my life if I died today. Boiled down: my internal compass directs me towards human relationships and passing on love, hope, curiosity, and exploration. Simply because those things, to me, are beautiful. And I'm happy that I have today, and hopefully tomorrow, to reach for those beautiful things.

Give a little time to me- we'll burn this out- We'll play hide and seek #givemelove

Currently Listening: Give Me Love (Ed Sheeran); Night Changes (One Direction)

February Rambles

Currently Listening: Uptown Funk (Bruno Mars)

Rambles:

Bay Area weather is so weird. One day it's cold, the next it's super hot... This week I finally joined a gym with my co-worker (trying out the UCSF gym for now). I can't wait to get started on the treadmill/station and start jogging and return to my former activity levels... which I hope will help with productivity as well. I feel so backlogged with work...

Soooo... get down on it!

It's been a happy life so far. There's a sort of tension/stress that I'm beginning to appreciate.

First thing: it's difficult to articulate, but these days I often wish I was more... refined(?). Or rhythmic, I guess. I wish that my reflexes were more controlled in a free way. I've been more deliberate about it recently, but I think that such control and judiciousness(?) is not a natural analogue to my openness and amiable nature. Sigh.

Oh, maybe the word I'm looking for is "disciplined." I'm not disciplined enough! Must train myself more and not get discouraged... rahhh!

A word on being happy: "maybe you're not used to being happy," a friend told me when I told her my thoughts on my current state of affairs (exciting but stressful and tedious worklife, a seemingly healthy relationship with a great guy, finding [not enough!] time to pursue hobbies and interests outside of work, etc.).  It happens like this all the time, especially in the love department: I start to make some progress in life and then I regress because while I was enamored by the thought of progress, the actual becoming is not something I am used to. It sounds weird because I know a lot of people perceive me as an achiever and an A-type personality. The truth is, I've always felt a psychological block between what I can be and what I am.

Yeah, you know, I probably suffer from "Imposter Syndrome."

Anyways, a part of it is also being in the Bay Area and coming from a relatively less privileged life. I've always felt very blessed to be at the point in life I am at now but it's difficult to turn my cheek to the contrast in Bay Area transplants and natives. Perhaps this is the part of the "assimilation" process that is the hardest. I don't really want to assimilate to the Bay Area but at the same time, the culture is enticing. The pretense doesn't seem so bad so long as I stay grounded, right?

Quit with the comparisons! I've got the cards in my hand and I'd better not feel apologetic for being rough around the edges. It'll take me longer, sure, but I need not feel shame for that. I've made something out of a challenging hand and I continue to play the game with the big kids. So... there's that.

Also, I believe in generational progress! (yay!)

Love, Duality, and Art

Currently Reading: Island (Aldous Huxley, 1962) - 50%; Thinking, Fast and Slow (Daniel Khaneman, 2011) - 40%
Currently Listening: http://www.noonpacific.com/spacejams/

Happy New Year! It's been a while since the last time I blurbed about intangibles.

On Love

I've been thinking a lot about what "romantic love" is--as a concept, as a verb, as an emotion... It's an inevitable contemplation being in the early stages of a relationship, guarded yet longing to jump right in. What is love? Do I love? Does he love? What does it mean when you say it out loud?

Love is often glorified as a noble virtue, act, or emotion. While on its lofty pedestal, nobody can quite place it in an objective manner. Love bears a different meaning for everyone - but many believe it completes the human experience.

There are established precursors to it: including attachment, romance, kinship, friendship, shared experience, limerence, and infatuation. But to better understand love, I've tried to understand why people believe that it "ends" -- or, rather, evolves-- in the context of romantic relationships.

With my ex, I believe I learned about committed romantic love. But despite this, the relationship ended and after working out the pain of loss, the most painful part now is feeling like I failed in love. A feeling spurned by the "sunk cost fallacy", perhaps? The breakup was partially out of my control, true, but I often feel remorseful that I was less critical, less careful about falling in love at the beginning of that relationship. This time, I must find due vigilance.

There is a belief floating around that people 'fall out of love'--that, at some point, people take this journey, change, and end up 'growing apart.'

I don't believe that people really fall out of love with a person. I think that they loved the static--the instantaneous--derivatives of that person (the present ones and the potential ones of the future). But a person has fluidity and a person is always changing; the more cognizant one is of that, the more likely you are to "look for love in the right places." To me, a person has an essence to them that life experience and human interaction build off of to shape who we exude in a single moment. Thus, what you perceive and what you experience about a person will be processed through multiple filters: your own and theirs.

Love is about a person and how his or her infinite derivatives dance with your own through time.

While humans are erroneous in their perceptions, I think the value of love is your faith in the essence of that person. Love is not everything in a relationship but it is, in fact, what holds true when you and your contexts change. If love is mutual, it becomes a dance (e.g. compromise, work, effort, two-way street, etc.).

Love is still, and will always be to me, a cerebral thing. It is a feeling and a verb consciously decided on. It is a two way exchange of trust and vulnerability - where, eventually, someone else's happiness supersedes your own.

On Duality

Among my favorite books during my college career were The Picture of Dorian Gray (Oscar Wilde, 1890), The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (Robert Louis Stevenson, 1886), and Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte, 1847).

The stronger the inner conflict and the more manifest the paradox, the more engaging the book was. In addition to duality within a single character, I'm also attuned to character foils in movies and books. Many interesting stories involve two people striving for the same goal while maintaining divergent approaches and philosophies.

I've begun to think that this fascination with the paradoxical lies in the fact that those dualities came from a singular, whole source. Not merely the conflict between good/evil or light/dark but their necessary coexistence.

Perhaps I sense a sort of duality in myself and part of the human experience is reconciling the two parts... my own depravity kept secret in a Mr. Hyde of my own--my alter ego perhaps--vying for an outlet with my superego, the courageous, kind-hearted, intellectual persona I've worked so hard to cultivate. Are they one and the same?

reddit/badphilosophy
pantheism
dualism and duality

On Art

My sister recently showed me an essay prompt for one of her college applications (art school):

What is the role of an artist or designer in today's modern society?

That's a difficult question for a high schooler who has yet to see the world. And yet... a necessary mental exercise.

Three sources that I can draw from for my personal views:

1) Plato's Views on Art
2) Human, all too Human (Nietzsche, 1878): we have been the colorists
3) Twelve Virtues of Rationality (Eliezer S. Yudkowsky, 2006): 11th virtue (scholarship)

I tend to think of the world as harboring a duality between "rational" (logic, pragmatism) and "emotional" (creative, idealism). While rationality and hard logic are necessary for survival and success, art and design also have a critical, yet less defined place in society. This seems to be inherent since logic is straightforward and creativity is... well, exactly that.

I think of their relationship as a "push-pull" action, where each is a driving force for the other. Art and design reflect society while also challenging and motivating it to change and explore. Without art and design, science would be recursive and directionless - there would be no motivation towards transcendence. Without science and thought and existence, there would be nothing for art to reflect. Art/design is an outward expression of human creativity and without it, there would be no external world in which to chase our imaginations with science.

Afterthoughts

On Love & Thinking, Fast and Slow

We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person. (W. Somerset Maughum) 

Exaggerated Emotional Coherence (The Halo Effect): 'The sequence in which we observe characteristics of a person is often determined by chance but sequence matters--the halo effect increases the weight of first impressions, sometimes to the point that subsequent information is mostly wasted.' -Daniel Khaneman

On Art, Wholeness, and the Ultimate Order of Things

Thermodynamics proposed the concept of entropy and how everything has the tendency towards disorder. The second law of thermodynamics is the reason there is a direction of time. Because we recognize nature's initial state to the next more disordered state.  

But what if what we realize as order is not really order at all? Not "ultimate order" at least. What if there was a bigger picture that humans are building against, just to fulfill our concept of order? Who knows what this ultimate order is.... ultimate and absolute truth, do you really believe in such a thing?

 This song is still stuck in my head.

Hiatus

I've decided to take a temporary hiatus from public blogging (with the exception of ACL Chronicles). The hiatus could be a month or even longer. 

2015 New Year's Resolution

Continue cultivating a beautiful soul*, worth sharing with others. <3

Love,
--dreyers

*soul = vessel, being, humanity, etc etc

The Old Raja’s Notes on What’s What

(and what it might be reasonable to do about what’s what)

From Island by Aldous Huxley

I
Nobody needs to go anywhere else. We are all, if we only knew it, already there.
If I only knew who in fact I am, I should cease to behave as what I think I am; and if I stopped behaving as what I think I am, I should know who I am.
What in fact I am, if only the Manichee I think I am would allow me to know it, is the reconciliation of yes and no lived out in total acceptance and the blessed experience of Not-Two. 

In religion all words are dirty words. Anyone who gets eloquent about Buddha, or God, or Christ, ought to have his mouth washed out with carbolic soap.
Because his aspiration to perpetuate only the “yes” in every pair of opposites can never, in the nature of things, be realized, the insulated Manichee I think I am condemns himself to endlessly repeated frustration, endlessly repeated conflicts with other aspiring and frustrated Manichees. 

Conflicts and frustrations—the theme of all history and almost all biography. “I show you sorrow,” said the Buddha realistically. But he also showed the ending of sorrow—self-knowledge, total acceptance, the blessed experience of Not-Two. 

II
Knowing who in fact we are results in Good Being, and Good Being results in the most appropriate kind of good doing. But good doing does not of itself result in Good Being. We can be virtuous without knowing who in fact we are. The beings who are merely good are not Good Beings; they are just pillars of society. 

Most pillars are their own Samsons. They hold up, but sooner or later they pull down. There has never been a society in which most good doing was the product of Good Being and therefore constantly appropriate. This does not mean that there will never be such a society or that we in Pala are fools for trying to call it into existence. 

III
The Yogin and the Stoic—two righteous egos who achieve their very considerable results by pretending, systematically, to be somebody else. But it is not by pretending to be somebody else, even somebody supremely good and wise, that we can pass from insulated Manichee-hood to Good Being. 

Good Being is knowing who in fact we are; and in order to know who in fact we are, we must first know, moment by moment, who we think we are and what that bad habit of thought compels us to feel and do. A moment of clear and complete knowledge of what we think we are, but in fact are not, puts a stop, for the moment, to the Manichean charade. If we renew, until they become a continuity, these moments of the knowledge of what we are not, we may find ourselves, all of a sudden, knowing who in fact we are. 

Concentration, abstract thinking, spiritual exercises—systematic exclusions in the realm of thought. Asceticism and hedonism—systematic exclusions in the realms of sensation, feeling and action. But Good Being is in the knowledge of who in fact is in relation to all experiences. So be aware—aware in every context, at all times and whatever, creditable or discreditable, pleasant or unpleasant, you may be doing or suffering. This is the only genuine yoga, the only spiritual exercise worth practicing. 

The more a man knows about individual objects, the more he knows about God. Translating Spinoza’s language into ours, we can say: The more a man knows about himself in relation to every kind of experience, the greater his chance of suddenly, one fine morning, realizing who in fact he is—or rather Who (capital W) in Fact (capital F) “he” (between quotation marks) Is (capital I). 

St. John was right. In a blessedly speechless universe, the Word was not only with God; it was God. As a something to be believed in. God is a projected symbol, a reified name. God = “God.” 

Faith is something very different from belief. Belief is the systematic taking of unanalyzed words much too seriously. Paul’s words, Mohammed’s words, Marx’s words, Hitler’s words—people take them too seriously, and what happens? What happens is the senseless ambivalence of history—sadism versus duty, or (incomparably worse) sadism as duty; devotion counterbalanced by organized paranoia; sisters of charity selflessly tending the victims of their own church’s inquisitors and crusaders. Faith, on the contrary, can never be taken too seriously. For Faith is the empirically justified confidence in our capacity to know who in fact we are, to forget the belief-intoxicated Manichee in Good Being. Give us this day our daily Faith, but deliver us, dear God, from Belief.

Buenos Propósitos del Año Nuevo

Ahora Leyendo: Island (Alduous Huxley, 1962); TF&S
Ahora Escuchando: Mistletoe (Justine Bieber) <- jajajaja

Ahora es un buen momento para reflexionar sobre el pasado.

Oh boo, it's too hard to think in Spanish right now... my mind's been overactive as I've been trying to distract myself from the discomfort of my knee.

I normally don't condone new year's resolutions/goals but I thought I'd use this post to renew commitments to some of my prior goals:

• Continue learning Spanish! (Duolingo every day, two Spanish posts per month)
• Reduce/control sugar intake and abate that sweet tooth of mine. This is in light of recently learning my dad is diabetic now. I'll need to figure out a reasonable sugar quota based on current intake.
• Continue reading lots of books! Yummm, finally satiating my inner literary geek. Write four short stories by the end of the year. :]
• Continue learning Mandarin songs. (3 more by.. February?)
• Join IM basketball by summer or fall. (Continue physical therapy and improve shooting technique)
• Take up a new physically relaxing hobby. (Archery?)
• Travel! Go to Europe in June! Paris for a Ophthalmology conference... awesome incentive at work.

P.S. not being able to walk sucks... :'(

Antiquated Anecdotes

Currently Reading: Thinking, Fast and Slow (Daniel Khaneman, 2011), The Isaac Newton School of Driving: Physics and Your Car (Barry Parker, 2003)
Finished Reading: The Communist Manifesto (Karl Marx, Freidrich Engels, 1848, audiobook/paperback), The Last Question (Isaac Asimov, 1956, short story), Divergent (Veronica Roth, 2011)
Currently Listening: Dancin' in the Moonlight (King Harvest), Beautiful People (Sam Ock)

Blurbs from the past two weeks.:

1. I have decided to change my weekly blog post day from Monday to Wednesday. Monday was very difficult for me to keep apace with!
    
2. I will be getting knee surgery (ACL Reconstruction) for Christmas. I got my knee imaged by MRI and saw an orthopedist. I need the surgery, though. Apparently there was no ACL to be found (PCL intact; ACL was completely torn...) and there was significant meniscus damage. Totally knew this would be the case, though. I have been struggling with my left knee for quite some time. I will need all of the moral support I can get from my friends and family. It didn't scare me at first but now I'm rather nervous about it, especially when I consider if I should get an allograft vs an autograft. My approach to knee surgery now is a lot different than my reaction to surgery in high school. Now, it's more like "Challenge accepted."
     
3. Spent Thanksgiving with the family. We had Thanksgiving lunch together and saw Big Hero 6. BH6 was a very memorable and funny movie. (Ba da da da da. I cannot deactive until you say you are satisfied with your care.) I also spent a few hours (distributed over 3 days) working on my first art project in years, thanks to the mentorship of my youngest sister (a high school senior). She has been applying to colleges and art school.
    
4. The art project was a gift for a very special guy. ;) I sometimes like to think we are the bananagrams dream team.
    
5. Been busy reading. I downloaded the audiobook for The Communist Manifesto so I could listen to it on my way back up to Northern California. The word "antiquate" and its variations were oft used. I like that word. Also, the manifesto is quite intense but a worthwhile political read. I was never really into politics but I realize now that the backbone of politics is philosophy. And philosophy is interesting. (Thanks, Tiffany, for lending me the paperback copy.)
    
6. Got in touch with old friends during my the Thanksgiving break! (Albert, Jimmy, Ann, Tiffany, Jayce, etc.) Most notably, an old high school flame. It was nice reconnecting; we have done so sporadically over the years.
    
7. Went to a murder mystery birthday party! (Ann!) 'Twas awesome. She did a terrific job organizing the party and getting people to go with the role play, involving steampunk wardrobe and time travel.
    
8. Went indoor rock climbing for the first time with Marvs and my upper body is INCREDIBLY SORE. But the sense of accomplishment you get from it is so much fun! It is such a functional/useful workout. I had so much fun that I purchased a Groupon for lessons/day passes at Bridges Rock Gym in El Cerrito and will go with Eric this Saturday! I might continue pursuing this hobby after knee surgery. (After the hip hop dance classes? haha... too many things I want to do in life...)
    
9. Notes to Self: Scrabble, Hiking, Just Dance, CAH charades
    
10. I have shifted very far from my happy baseline. I am more than happy these days... I have "so much zest" and I am inspired. This shift probably has very much to do with blurb #5. Somehow this person makes me simultaneously confident and vulnerable; strong and weak; hopeful and anxious.... Some kind of madness, I tell you! Madness!

That's it for now!

Treacherous (Coffee, Friendship, and Unicorns)

Currently Listening: Treacherous (Taylor Swift)
Currently Reading: way too many job descriptions and Huffington Post articles
Movies Watched: Crazy Stupid Love (2011)

Note to Self: Coffee hiatus leads to increased caffeine sensitivity when consumed. I drank coffee around 10am and can't fall asleep and it's 2am right now...

Unfortunately I have nothing to write about for my Monday post so here are just a few updates:

It was my MTM sister's birthday last week! We surprised her with cupcakes and good company on her actual birthday (Thur 8/21) with a fail on my part for getting "24" candles instead of "23" -___-. And then we went out bowling on Saturday and hit up a karaoke bar afterwards - which was cool, because I sang in public on stage for the first time in my life! I jammed to "I won't say (I'm in love)." It's amazing how much more free and confident I feel these days. And a lot of that has to do with the amazing friendship/siblinghood I have with this girl, who was there for me in one of my darkest hours. I really respect/admire her! :) <3

Ah, nothing beats a good ol' AYCE KBBQ session with Cal friends! Also, Angela's finally in the Bay Area!

Do I even have to repeat how much I love my spicy cilantro family? Dinner or drinks with my favorite BioE PhD students always makes my week. 

I recently began a hasthag on my Instagram #advenutreswithmyunicorn... basically a representation of my inner desire to have a bit of  magic in my life - and maybe one day meet and fall in love with my unicorn - that crazy special, irreplaceable man that's gonna be my best friend and lover and complements me perfectly with his strengths and weaknesses. The one that is committed to personal growth and the growth of love and a relationship. And the one that wants to change the world with me ;). I believe he's out there.. somewhere. Maybe I've yet to meet him, maybe I already know him. Hey, a girl can dream, right? I would have to fight the inner cynic to keep that childlike sense of wonder. And still more importantly, I still need to overcome fears of getting too close to someone, getting hurt, or hurting someone again.  In the meantime, I'm content with where I'm at and will pursue my career and make myself a better person!

Miscellaneous

When it rains, it pours. Weird car situation right now. Shower drain clogged and not working. :(

Tomorrow, I have a bunch of phone calls to make with recruiters. I hope that goes well!

I have an interview on Wednesday at UCSF for a clinical research position dealing with neurosurgery. I'm excited for it and also a bit anxious (could be another reason I can't sleep). This would be a dream job for sure! When I answered the phone call to set up the interview, it helped that I am VERY interested and fascinated with both neurology and clinical research - which basically meant I was able to say all the right things on the spot!

The same day before my Wednesday interview, I'm having lunch at Facebook HQ with an awesome friend who works there. (Anurag)

I have an MRI appointment and an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon about my left knee. Finally, after several years of putting it off, I'll find out what's wrong with it exactly.

Cheers, all! Hopefully I will have good news about my job situation next week!

State of the Grace

After moving at 100 mph, I'm finally feeling the fatigue setting in. It's like the last leg of an 800 meter race - legs are feeling like jelly. My knees are physically beginning to wear out (which is strange). I'm starting to feel imbalanced. Life has been telling me to slow down and I expect a crash/slump soon. Brace for impact!

Since things are best explained in graphs, here's where I think I am and where I think I will be:

I'm hoping that I can dampen oscillation quickly to a stable state of being.

Thus far, most of my job prospects look like they will be at UCSF but we shall see. I've been thinking about what field of medicine I'd like to make the most impact in and since my ultimate goal is to be in or run a rehabilitation clinic in 10 or so years, it was between orthopaedics and neurology. I had a friend point out to me that the two were vastly different fields and I had to agree. Though I've got the general direction, I should probably choose something to focus on for right now.  On the hunt, I will focus on jobs in the field of neuroscience. Somehow I see myself most fulfilled helping patients with neurological disabilities. And plus, I will probably need to pick up more coding skills to continue research in that field. I've been planning on picking up more coding skillz as a side hobby.

In the meantime:
- Recently, I was introduced to "Duolingo," a great language learning app - so, getting back to speed with Spanish in my spare time - it has a really great functionality where you earn points and compete against friends to make sure you keep up to speed. Motivation. (:
- Reading more! Finally taking the time to read all of the Harry Potter books, a commission received from Teresa.
- I'm almost obsessively looking at dogs/puppies at nearby shelters... even though I can't responsibly get a dog until I have a certain job =[
- Masters thesis due in one week
- Strategic management presentation this Wednesday & report following soon after
- BERKELEY COMMENCEMENT & B2B IN LESS THAN THREE WEEKS!
- Official last day of the MTM program is June 27th! I can't believe how fast time has flown!

23

Phew, time is moving quickly. What is there to blog about?

Oh yes, the list of things that makes me happy...

1) Friends
2) An active lifestyle (running, sports, anything that will tire my body out basically)
3) Meeting new people and learning from them what they have to offer (a.k.a. travel!)
4) Feeling like I made a difference in someone's life

I can't think of much else right now.

Life's been so busy, but good. And I'm nearing the end of my program! Why is time moving so fast? I feel like I barely got comfortable with all my new friends and lifestyle. But it's time to grow, guys. It's always time to grow.

What makes you happy?

What if you boiled down all of the things you think will make you "happy"? Would there be a universal theme to them? I think I'm going to come up with a list of things and see.