sunset peak

under the lens i lend to you,
 i invite you to the landscape of my mind.

but how vexing this feeling is --
  feeling seen and examined --
though i long for it.
i want to be seen.
i want to be understood.
 (it's not an uncommon feeling, is it?)

after years of loaning --
 i am used to returns.
maybe my stories never mattered,
 but i'll tell them anyway,
 if you'll listen.
 we can trade.

but then you asked for the prequels --
 watched the trailers reel --
longed for something too.
could i even dare,
with your stories,
 to co-imagine the sequels?

someone asked for more.
 how unfamiliar.
long ago, a naive self felt this before,
 blinded by my own hopefulness,
 and now: caution.
 skepticism.

too many times i've fallen off the deep end,
 wanting so badly to feel something real.

so let me sit here for a moment..
 and maybe i'll yield
 maybe i'll
 drift.

mokelumne wilderness

when we were together,

you were the salience of a stable calm
in the chaotic winds of change -
moments that made me better.
moments that made you love -
i was the essence of warm sunlight
scattered in an achromatic meadow.

we climbed mountains,
i pushed you further,
you drew me inward.
home was always within.
and we saw that through the leaves
from the forest floor.

we laughed, hugged, joked, loved..
i learned and you learned and we learned.

but it didn't last like we said it would.
we theorized - said forever in passing.
but did we truly believe it?

when i find an old memory, i might feel homesick
and i'm fraught with questions:

could i have tried harder?
could i have yielded more?
could i have loved better?
could i have been more patient?

pointless recursions -
the answer is always the same
(maybe / not enough / we grew apart)
the night changes
and we're only human - only human.
i let the rain fall
and then i look inward
and i touch the newness of a clear sky
from the mountain of my own soul.

we were only almost forever
but we loved, and that was certain.
there was so much good -
so much to remember -
but most of all,
you changed me for good.

because of that
i can look back and say
"that was wonderful.
thank you, old soul,
old friend."

i know that will last.

Give me the wind

I realize how different this is.

How alone I am... 

  not lonely, but surely, alone.

The longer I swallow my own identity,

  the more I feel like no one can ever be "right."

The more grounded I am,

  the harder it is to be swept off my feet.

Also, opening up my heart --

  opening up my life --

  letting someone in,

  knowing someone deeply,

  I'm damn scared.
Somehow that scares me now
  more than it ever has before.

Give me the wind instead,

  the open roads...

Rain Run Therapy

I don't remember the last time I ran in the rain before last night. But I do remember how therapeutic running in the rain is.

Running in the rain... is one version of compassion to myself. 

At times, I'd just close my eyes and feel the coolness of each droplet as my legs turned over on the soft polyurethane. I'd feel the kick of droplets onto my calves and the slick of my Columbia rain jacket. The air was cool and had a beautiful, crisp quality to it.

My mind whispered my running mantra: "Quick. Smooth. Relaxed." again and again. 
My cadence steadied with each instrument of thought.

I am on a track and I know exactly where I am going--into the present. I'm not anywhere else but in the rain, running.

And I know I never want to go back. I look forward towards a better me while remaining present.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we all found compassion for ourselves?

MapMyRun app and GPS kept crashing. I'm not even mad.

Currently Listening: The Killers - All These Things That I've Done

Bits and Pieces (microblog #3)

The words of love that run through my head:

Vulnerable

yet-

Never so real or complete,

safe, special, wanted,

soothing my soul,

be my best: optimism, zest,

washing dishes, fixing beds,

cooking dinner,

together,

make you happy

stuff of mad respect and admiration

competence, ability,

quirkiness, quiet confidence,
amazing, cool,

the perfect combination of nerdy and badass,
honeymoon phase

want to know you even more,

what makes you tick,

what and who made you you

courage, learning,

invincible,

jump into the ocean

fall asleep, holding hands,

warm, comforting,

connection

Whims of Time Travel (microblog #2)

'If you could live each day twice,

Source: Libby Watkins Illustration

The first, take life as it comes,
The second, savor every moment's strums-
Change not a thing.'

'If you could live each present best,
Project the ends ahead by a day,
Prepare for the hurt and optimize the sway-
Change not a thing.'

I only know this: I need a rhythm.
Music can only be played in time,
So the only way to dance is in step-rhyme.
I can't change a thing.

But if a lifelong dream's a crime,
I would choose to be yours, as two outlaws,
Navigating time, a one-way dance without pause.
I won't change a thing.

Kite Flyer (microblog #1)

We are tunneled into looking at moments two, maybe thousands, of steps ahead- and we tether, often, onto moments of the past.

As a result, we fail to notice the moments we have in the palms of our hands. But these are often truer than the past or present ones.

These are the ones where your heart and your mind can meet.

When he and I both looked up at the sky, holding the same strings, it was just that kite and us: that kite was the moment, in the palms of our hands, prancing with the temporal winds and the twilight. 

And just for a twinkling second, my heart and mind seemed to agree on something beautiful.