Growth Decisions

ALV v4.1 Patch Notes

Currently Listening: The Killers - All These Things That I've Done
Currently Reading: Training and Racing with a Power Meter

After many false starts and numerous drafts, I'm finally getting back into my blog... for my sake.

This 1-year dry spell is the longest I've ever gone without a single blog post since 2010 and I am okay with that. I want to say that I was focused on trying to live my life but, more than likely, I didn't post very much because there was a general lull in the flux of my life. Not much was changing. Whenever I caught up with people, I would always give a similar answer to the question, "what's up?" "Not much.... work, tri stuff, boyfriend, Marshmallow..." Some of that was an intense focus on triathlon training and trying to be more practical in daily life (being more organized, simplifying my wardrobe, writing checklists, keeping a planner/calendar, NOT losing my phone or keys, etc.). While my external world was finding order and structure, my internal world was shelved away. Which is OK. To be an effective human, practical skills are things I need so it was necessary to shelve away my internal world...

Eventually, however, I ached to return to a deep-seated enthusiasm for life and I wanted my emotional and intellectual life to flourish again. I ached for change externally and internally. I wanted to really, truly commit to the best and happiest version of myself.

So these past few months, I...

• ... made a conscious effort to embrace the best parts of my social life.
• ... asked for a raise and better responsibilities at work (and got it!).
• ... broke up with my boyfriend when I decided that there was no longer any room for growth together.
• ... embraced my love of the outdoors (I went on a solo hiking trip and have many more planned).
• ... made a list of books to read and started reading again.
• ... made a list of things to do before I can allow myself to get into a new relationship. 

It's wild putting things in perspective after all that's happened. Here I am. Single. But not alone or lonely. I have a job where I am allowed to grow and cultivate the skills I want. I have a career ambition that I am finally confident in pursuing. I have a life filled with fulfilling friendships and hobbies. I am more confident, not just in who I am now, but in my ability to reach my potential. I have an intrinsic drive, forged through the fire of a past peppered with struggles, confusion, and tension. I no longer ruminate for too long and I keep things rolling as best as possible at the beck and call of life. When I get knocked over, I know I can get right back up.

It's strange to look back on old posts (both my private/public blog) and compare how I felt about myself back then to how I feel about myself now. After sharing my reasons for my breakup with a close friend, she commented on how proud she was of me -- how I never knew how awesome I was even though I was and how far I've come away from a place of insecurity to a place of confidence... now I know I'm awesome and deserve the right kind of awesome to match it. Happily, I genuinely feel this is true.

To close, the BEST thing I've ever done for myself over the last 8 years was learn how to be more self-compassionate. Self-compassion is SO necessary if you want to grow and share your light with other people. That's the goal of all this right? At least I like to tell myself this: I want to make myself better so I can help others and my community. To share light and love and compassion and everything in between --  that is the real aspiration here.

What's next? SO much more!

(Oh and a happy early 28th birthday to me!)