Headlock

Currently Listening: Let Go (Frou Frou)
[Still] Reading: Thinking, Fast and Slow; The Isaac Newton School of Driving
Recommended Reading: Mindfulness in Plain English (Bhante Gunaratana, 1992), The Machine Stops (E.M. Forster, 1909 short story)

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

The most annoyingly epic 38-point #Scrabble play. #ZEN

Human relationships are a wonderful way of pushing your own boundaries and learning about yourself. In my most recent lesson, I realized that not only do I spend a a LOT of time thinking about random things, I have also locked myself in my head. My mind is a safe zone. I protect myself from losing the illusion of control I get from remaining in my head and outside of the sensational world. I am self-conscious. Not really about how I look, no. But about the physical manifestations of my soul... (does that sound weird or make any sense at all?)

In moderation, self-consciousness and deliberation are excellent constructs. They are tools for personal growth and development. Without self-awareness, I would not have this blog. Without deliberation, I would not be focused enough to work towards the person I'd like to become.

I can avoid an overall stasis and yet I cannot avoid paralysis in situations where it is essential to be in the moment. You see, I have this idea in my head that when I finally find the ability to "let go" and lose my inhibitions, I'll be able to dance and sing and feel things around me--truly live in the moment. I can't remember a time I ever felt truly lost "in the music" or "the rhythm" or even in nature. For example, I went to Rave of Thrones, my first [semi]rave, this week in SF and while I enjoyed myself, I recall myself caged in thoughts of what other people thought of me, my appearance, my inexperience... all because it was new to me and outside of my comfort zone. Why can't I just step out of my shell and embrace the vulnerability?

Everyone struggles with this. This entire "Life Cartogprahy" blog basically documents my efforts to deconstruct and restructure my world, find balance, and live life with conviction and managed inhibition.

Yes, I've been cultivating confidence all this time but the epiphany here is the existence of this headlock. Understanding my mental framework is the first step. Andrea "Unlocked" will take time; baby steps, baby steps.

Someone recommended mindful meditation as a way of processing my existing states. I prefer therapeutic jogs, but after knee surgery, I might need to turn to meditation to stay sane.

Mmmm... let's get it on, 2015.