February Rambles

Currently Listening: Uptown Funk (Bruno Mars)

Rambles:

Bay Area weather is so weird. One day it's cold, the next it's super hot... This week I finally joined a gym with my co-worker (trying out the UCSF gym for now). I can't wait to get started on the treadmill/station and start jogging and return to my former activity levels... which I hope will help with productivity as well. I feel so backlogged with work...

Soooo... get down on it!

It's been a happy life so far. There's a sort of tension/stress that I'm beginning to appreciate.

First thing: it's difficult to articulate, but these days I often wish I was more... refined(?). Or rhythmic, I guess. I wish that my reflexes were more controlled in a free way. I've been more deliberate about it recently, but I think that such control and judiciousness(?) is not a natural analogue to my openness and amiable nature. Sigh.

Oh, maybe the word I'm looking for is "disciplined." I'm not disciplined enough! Must train myself more and not get discouraged... rahhh!

A word on being happy: "maybe you're not used to being happy," a friend told me when I told her my thoughts on my current state of affairs (exciting but stressful and tedious worklife, a seemingly healthy relationship with a great guy, finding [not enough!] time to pursue hobbies and interests outside of work, etc.).  It happens like this all the time, especially in the love department: I start to make some progress in life and then I regress because while I was enamored by the thought of progress, the actual becoming is not something I am used to. It sounds weird because I know a lot of people perceive me as an achiever and an A-type personality. The truth is, I've always felt a psychological block between what I can be and what I am.

Yeah, you know, I probably suffer from "Imposter Syndrome."

Anyways, a part of it is also being in the Bay Area and coming from a relatively less privileged life. I've always felt very blessed to be at the point in life I am at now but it's difficult to turn my cheek to the contrast in Bay Area transplants and natives. Perhaps this is the part of the "assimilation" process that is the hardest. I don't really want to assimilate to the Bay Area but at the same time, the culture is enticing. The pretense doesn't seem so bad so long as I stay grounded, right?

Quit with the comparisons! I've got the cards in my hand and I'd better not feel apologetic for being rough around the edges. It'll take me longer, sure, but I need not feel shame for that. I've made something out of a challenging hand and I continue to play the game with the big kids. So... there's that.

Also, I believe in generational progress! (yay!)