The Reserved Extrovert

I've been going to therapy.

And I know that there's a weird stigma to that - that people who go to therapy aren't resilient enough or sane enough to go through life transitions on their own. Like, somehow, people are going to be self aware on their own. I used to perceive it that way. But as someone who is generally self-aware, counselling has been very helpful with inner clarity. It's one thing to have your friends listen to you - but it's another thing to have a psychologist listen to you. You sort of feel like you burden your friends but for a psychologist, it's their job to let you be selfish and teach you how to take care of yourself in a healthy way.

As of late, I've been in a good mood and happy with my life so my last session, I was afraid we wouldn't have anything to talk about. I told her that I'd come originally because of my personal issues - such as anger and insecurity. We'd worked on the insecurity and I am building confidence but I hadn't experienced any anger triggers for a long time so I had no idea how to address it. Without going into too much detail on what we subsequently talked about: basically, dealing with emotions becomes a two-sided coin. I play hot potato with my emotions--holding on for a little bit but never internalizing them so they can be processed. I bear responsibility. I want to be self-sacrificing, I'm unwilling to hurt other people, and I try to please others. I am sometimes too nice. Then when I reach a tipping point (my threshold is incidentally quite high), I externalize anger and disappointment. To my demise.

Related to this, I used to struggle with identifying myself as either an "outgoing introvert" or a "reserved extrovert." And I've realized that I am very much an extroverted person who, due to circumstance and experience, became very reserved. But my natural, happy self lives in an external world where I give to others freely. It is when I am guarded, distrusting, and insecure that I hold back and restrain myself in my own world and retreat to anger.

These days, though, I've been building such wonderful friendships. I feel like my better self is starting to dominate again.

Random quote:

"I’ve become skeptical of the unwritten rule that just because a boy and girl appear in the same feature, a romance must ensue. Rather, I want to portray a slightly different relationship, one where they two mutually inspire each other to live– if I’ m able to, then perhaps I’ll be closer to portraying a true expression of love." (Hayao Miyazaki)