Being single for the first time in more than four years, I realize that there is so much about myself that I don't know - or, at the very least, that I've lost sight of.
Cliche as it is, I don't need a guy to complete me. I never consciously thought "I feel incomplete without him" but I must have acted like it - having been in a relationship for so long. I realized a while ago that I constantly looked for validation of who I was because I just couldn't believe or embrace the idea that I was awesome just the way I was and that I had the power to define happiness and play the cards in my hand. I am an interesting person all by myself and I deserve the self-love that I've deprived myself of. Again, I wish I had realized all this sooner - but it is better late than never and I am happy that the lesson has been harsh enough for me to really process it. I feel like experience is a harsh teacher - but the best, in my case, anyways.
I've thought a lot about what I want in a life partner over the past few days. I would want someone I can view as a "teammate" - someone who can make the plays independently but that I'd also trust wholeheartedly "on the court" with me. I would want an outdoorsy kind of person who also makes time to relax and be a homebody. He has to be reasonably sociable. He would have to have a solid, close-knit group of friends - supportive, goal-oriented, and respectful individuals. I also need intellectual stimulus accompanied by a love for the simple joys in life, so I would need someone who could provide those things. I need someone I can share mutual respect with...
I sometimes wonder if my previous relationship really provided all of those things. I like to believe it did but maybe I was so blinded by my commitment and faithfulness to that one person that I really never saw the relationship at face value. Sigh... maybe. It sucks to think that I could have been so naive about it. But I guess I don't regret loving him. He was a great friend. I just... gotta make room for the next great love of my life at some point in the future.
On that topic, I'm not sure if I still want to move to Chicago. I guess wherever life takes me at this point...
Happenings since the last update:
- Saw some long time friends over spring break for Julie's birthday! Seeing them again made me sooo happy and made me remember a lot of great (albeit dramatic) times in my life. I guess the thing that made me happy was knowing that I'll always have a part of my life to treasure and look back on accompanied by people who still matter and will always matter to me. Friends forever <3
- Finally saw The Reduced Shakespeare Company!!! "All the Great Books" was a great compilation of some of the classics but it also covered plenty of popular culture - the humor was great. I would definitely recommend (wish I could write a better review, but alas, I need to get back to working on a presentation soon).
- Visited Hazel in Vacaville! It was like meeting an old friend for the first time.... again, going back to opening up your heart, loving yourself, and loving other people. It might actually be the first time we ever hung out one on one. We Skyped with Julie and Marjan and had a great time catching up and actually talking (since we didn't get the chance to during Julie's bday party).
- Went out for drinks with the first years. This was really the first time I went out to unwind from a long week and enjoyed myself with good people. I think I'm a bit of a light drinker though... all I had was a Cloud 9 from Beta Lounge and a glass of beer (dried cider.... ummm not that great, I don't think I'll ever be a beer person).
- Homemade hummus with my two best friends in MTM!
And a fantastic morning today... even though I felt a bit depressed after seeing a few things on Facebook about a certain someone. I realize that life is full of silver linings. It's about perspective. Life is good. And I feel beautiful today.
Cheers,
Andrea
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