State of the Grace

After moving at 100 mph, I'm finally feeling the fatigue setting in. It's like the last leg of an 800 meter race - legs are feeling like jelly. My knees are physically beginning to wear out (which is strange). I'm starting to feel imbalanced. Life has been telling me to slow down and I expect a crash/slump soon. Brace for impact!

Since things are best explained in graphs, here's where I think I am and where I think I will be:

I'm hoping that I can dampen oscillation quickly to a stable state of being.

Thus far, most of my job prospects look like they will be at UCSF but we shall see. I've been thinking about what field of medicine I'd like to make the most impact in and since my ultimate goal is to be in or run a rehabilitation clinic in 10 or so years, it was between orthopaedics and neurology. I had a friend point out to me that the two were vastly different fields and I had to agree. Though I've got the general direction, I should probably choose something to focus on for right now.  On the hunt, I will focus on jobs in the field of neuroscience. Somehow I see myself most fulfilled helping patients with neurological disabilities. And plus, I will probably need to pick up more coding skills to continue research in that field. I've been planning on picking up more coding skillz as a side hobby.

In the meantime:
- Recently, I was introduced to "Duolingo," a great language learning app - so, getting back to speed with Spanish in my spare time - it has a really great functionality where you earn points and compete against friends to make sure you keep up to speed. Motivation. (:
- Reading more! Finally taking the time to read all of the Harry Potter books, a commission received from Teresa.
- I'm almost obsessively looking at dogs/puppies at nearby shelters... even though I can't responsibly get a dog until I have a certain job =[
- Masters thesis due in one week
- Strategic management presentation this Wednesday & report following soon after
- BERKELEY COMMENCEMENT & B2B IN LESS THAN THREE WEEKS!
- Official last day of the MTM program is June 27th! I can't believe how fast time has flown!

The Reserved Extrovert

I've been going to therapy.

And I know that there's a weird stigma to that - that people who go to therapy aren't resilient enough or sane enough to go through life transitions on their own. Like, somehow, people are going to be self aware on their own. I used to perceive it that way. But as someone who is generally self-aware, counselling has been very helpful with inner clarity. It's one thing to have your friends listen to you - but it's another thing to have a psychologist listen to you. You sort of feel like you burden your friends but for a psychologist, it's their job to let you be selfish and teach you how to take care of yourself in a healthy way.

As of late, I've been in a good mood and happy with my life so my last session, I was afraid we wouldn't have anything to talk about. I told her that I'd come originally because of my personal issues - such as anger and insecurity. We'd worked on the insecurity and I am building confidence but I hadn't experienced any anger triggers for a long time so I had no idea how to address it. Without going into too much detail on what we subsequently talked about: basically, dealing with emotions becomes a two-sided coin. I play hot potato with my emotions--holding on for a little bit but never internalizing them so they can be processed. I bear responsibility. I want to be self-sacrificing, I'm unwilling to hurt other people, and I try to please others. I am sometimes too nice. Then when I reach a tipping point (my threshold is incidentally quite high), I externalize anger and disappointment. To my demise.

Related to this, I used to struggle with identifying myself as either an "outgoing introvert" or a "reserved extrovert." And I've realized that I am very much an extroverted person who, due to circumstance and experience, became very reserved. But my natural, happy self lives in an external world where I give to others freely. It is when I am guarded, distrusting, and insecure that I hold back and restrain myself in my own world and retreat to anger.

These days, though, I've been building such wonderful friendships. I feel like my better self is starting to dominate again.

Random quote:

"I’ve become skeptical of the unwritten rule that just because a boy and girl appear in the same feature, a romance must ensue. Rather, I want to portray a slightly different relationship, one where they two mutually inspire each other to live– if I’ m able to, then perhaps I’ll be closer to portraying a true expression of love." (Hayao Miyazaki)

Borrowed Words and Reason

Ironically, I wrote this simple song in 2009 when my ex and I were still in the "mutual interest" phase. He re-inspired my love for guitar/music at the time. Maybe I should re-record it. Or start writing songs again. Or something else creative. I've been wanting to get into slam poetry...

A Time to Let Go

what does my horoscope say today?

trust your instincts, watch your step, follow your heart

there's gotta be a better answer

to the typhoon that just hit my heart

Is it time to let go?

Is it time to let shadows be shadows?

To everything there is a season

let the starfire run and trace

a map leading me home

why do i bother to get their advice?

forget what they say, go for it, give it some time

they're not looking for a remedy

just an answer to their lackluster rhyme

i'm at the crossroads of a new beginning

say so long to star-crossed fate

this is inkheart, this is the voyage of the dawn

Is it time to let go?

Is it time to let shadows be shadows?

To everything there is a season

and while the world sleeps...

this is borrowed words and reason.

Times Have Changed

I tend to over-analyze situations and spend the bulk of my time trapped in thought. Sometimes I can express what I want to say, other times things come out haphazardly.

What I've realized over the past week or so is that I am so much more open to life than I ever have been before. And maybe that's just a function of time and place, but I think it's really more perspective than anything else.

I went to several events since my last post including the San Francisco Ballet (Maelstrom, Caprice, and Rite of Spring), Cal Day, a site visit at a start up where I met the CEO, Milt McColl, a former NFL player and M.D. from Stanford Med School, a friend's birthday hangout, brunch at a nice place, Captain America movie, and a jog to The Marina. There is more to be planned over the next 5 weeks so at least my life isn't boring... but I'm sometimes left to wonder if I'm filling up my life with new things and experiences because I'm trying to fill a void and I haven't grieved properly. It's entirely possible but I think, based on my emotional states and how I feel about my ex (bordering a hurt but happy nostalgia) whenever I need to describe the past or the present, I am doing well for myself. Someone said I seem to have moved on quickly. I don't think that's the case. Rather, I grasped the situation more deeply and was self-aware enough to embrace the pain and accept the situation as it was. It also helped that I went to Cal's free counseling/therapy. haha

I am extremely blessed to be surrounded by so many intelligent, good people right now. The trio: TSA, my colleague/wingwoman/partner in crime, my spicy cilantro basketball friends (aka the PhD students), my advisors, and a growing pool of friends/colleagues who I consider "amazing coffee dates." Seems a little offhanded to describe the latter that way - but I mean exactly that: I love having conversations with them and exchanging parts of ourselves and if time and circumstance allowed, we would probably be besties or broskis.

 

Back to the public view for my blog, not that anyone reads this... as a long-time friend of mine put it: it would help make my writing more meaningful knowing there is a potential audience out there. If I keep it private, my blog sort of becomes a blob of thoughts and personal reflections - meaningful in its own right, but reserved for my more private journals.

I know that in this blog, I talk about myself obsessively as I use this as a space for self-reflection and whatnot. Circumstantially, this is where I am at in life and someday soon I will be able to turn my reflections elsewhere - towards world issues and my passions - but for now, bear with me. :)

This photo shows a little brainstorming I did back on February 18th when I was still struggling with my emotional states. I really think I've come a long way.

Silver Linings Playbook

Life is pretty amazing when you start having a little more self-compassion. It's kind of crazy that the more you start to love yourself, the more your heart opens up to loving and appreciating others. It feels different and so much more liberating compared to the old days when I constantly compared myself to other people. Social comparisons are the worst. Seriously.

Being single for the first time in more than four years, I realize that there is so much about myself that I don't know - or, at the very least, that I've lost sight of.

Cliche as it is, I don't need a guy to complete me. I never consciously thought "I feel incomplete without him" but I must have acted like it - having been in a relationship for so long. I realized a while ago that I constantly looked for validation of who I was because I just couldn't believe or embrace the idea that I was awesome just the way I was and that I had the power to define happiness and play the cards in my hand. I am an interesting person all by myself and I deserve the self-love that I've deprived myself of. Again, I wish I had realized all this sooner - but it is better late than never and I am happy that the lesson has been harsh enough for me to really process it. I feel like experience is a harsh teacher - but the best, in my case, anyways.

I've thought a lot about what I want in a life partner over the past few days. I would want someone I can view as a "teammate" - someone who can make the plays independently but that I'd also trust wholeheartedly "on the court" with me. I would want an outdoorsy kind of person who also makes time to relax and be a homebody. He has to be reasonably sociable. He would have to have a solid, close-knit group of friends - supportive, goal-oriented, and respectful individuals. I also need intellectual stimulus accompanied by a love for the simple joys in life, so I would need someone who could provide those things. I need someone I can share mutual respect with...

I sometimes wonder if my previous relationship really provided all of those things. I like to believe it did but maybe I was so blinded by my commitment and faithfulness to that one person that I really never saw the relationship at face value. Sigh... maybe. It sucks to think that I could have been so naive about it. But I guess I don't regret loving him. He was a great friend. I just... gotta make room for the next great love of my life at some point in the future.

On that topic, I'm not sure if I still want to move to Chicago. I guess wherever life takes me at this point...

Happenings since the last update:

• Saw some long time friends over spring break for Julie's birthday! Seeing them again made me sooo happy and made me remember a lot of great (albeit dramatic) times in my life. I guess the thing that made me happy was knowing that I'll always have a part of my life to treasure and look back on accompanied by people who still matter and will always matter to me. Friends forever <3

• Finally saw The Reduced Shakespeare Company!!! "All the Great Books" was a great compilation of some of the classics but it also covered plenty of popular culture - the humor was great. I would definitely recommend (wish I could write a better review, but alas, I need to get back to working on a presentation soon).

• Visited Hazel in Vacaville! It was like meeting an old friend for the first time.... again, going back to opening up your heart, loving yourself, and loving other people. It might actually be the first time we ever hung out one on one. We Skyped with Julie and Marjan and had a great time catching up and actually talking (since we didn't get the chance to during Julie's bday party).

• Went out for drinks with the first years. This was really the first time I went out to unwind from a long week and enjoyed myself with good people. I think I'm a bit of a light drinker though... all I had was a Cloud 9 from Beta Lounge and a glass of beer (dried cider.... ummm not that great, I don't think I'll ever be a beer person).

• Homemade hummus with my two best friends in MTM!

And a fantastic morning today... even though I felt a bit depressed after seeing a few things on Facebook about a certain someone. I realize that life is full of silver linings. It's about perspective. Life is good. And I feel beautiful today.

Cheers,
Andrea

"Fake it until you make it"

I watched this video a while ago:



It stuck with me.