Nerdfighter

I secretly (or not so secretly) watch the vlogbrothers. A lot. By far, my favorite video contains these awesome words from Hank Green:

"A slogan of nerdfighteria these past seven years has been Don't Forget To Be Awesome, and that is a good slogan, not because it is easy, but because it is hard. Being awesome requires constant vigilance, and you will slip up, whether because of ignorance or because of selfishness or because of outright malice, or because you're drunk. But you have a choice, after you've done something crappy, you can transform into one of two things. Either you can regain your awesome through actual apology, or you can become a fartbag."

"Being awesome requires constant vigilance" is probably the phrase that plays most frequently in my head as it applies to... everything in life. Being awesome is hard and sometimes I just want to be a potato but then I realize that I'm only 25 and by golly I've got a plethora of quests to complete and the possibilities are still endless and the day will come when I will slay a dragon or something. Some weeks it takes me a lot longer to realize this and sometimes it's instantaneous. Either way, I must apologize to myself and forgive myself for not being awesome. And fight on.

Happy Feet

It's been too long since my last post, so I'm just going to churn one out.

I've been thinking a lot about how my relationship with running has changed over the years. And I wonder if it's what most former sprinters/jumpers like myself go through. Sprints and jumps were signals of power. My college intramural long jump was 4m07 (13ft4" while in high school I could jump a solid 14ft). 400m was at 70''99 (in high school, I bested 67''). At HKUST, I placed first in both events at an interdepartmental meet so even though I'll never be Alyson Felix who ran 49''89 at the Beijing 2015 World Championship, I have a small piece of my history to be proud of.

As running short distance races becomes less realistic and taxing on the body, I've slowly converted to longer distances. From the beginning, I took a track athlete's mentality to long distance running. I look at pace as a performance metric. I push myself on long runs and in every active thing that I do.

And that "tough as nails" attitude has merit to it. But it's taken me eight years to realize that this has also led to my many injuries at a great cost: knee surgeries, depression, body dysmorphia, tendon and ligament strains, shin splints, negatively comparing myself with others, etc.

Does placing first (or bettering someone you're mentally in a competition with) always matter? No. I will never be Shelly-Ann Fraser-Pryce. However, I can learn a lot from top athletes when it comes to attitude and perseverance. (Side note on Fraser-Pryce: this 100m Jamaican national record holder is 5'0'', runs a killer 10.7'', and has a million dollar smile and a beautiful personality!)

Mardy Fish had an insightful article on a recent Player's Tribune which, essentially, highlighted that there will always be someone better than you:

My dissatisfaction with the status quo — that had been so helpful when there were 20 players ranked in front of me — crossed over into something more stressful, and then destructive, I think, when that number became reduced to seven.

The idea that I wasn’t good enough was a powerful one — it drove me, at an age when many players’ careers are winding down, to these amazing heights. But it also became a difficult switch to turn off. I was, objectively, doing great. And looking back, I wish I had been able to tell myself that. But doing great wasn’t something that my frame of mind back then had time to process. All I could focus on was doing better. It was a double-edged sword. 

Fish, Fraser-Pryce, and Felix are all athletes I look up to. They're winners, but more importantly, they recognize that being the top dog is not everything in life. Filling your life with non-material meaning and purpose--that's what matters. And in your journey of self-improvement, do it on your own terms, find joy in the process, and fill it with love. I've always believed in "unselfish" self-improvement; making yourself a better person should be to the benefit of your community and your loved ones.

Flash forward to my current self. I'm running 12-16 miles per week. Other amazing distance runners are running 40-50 miles or more. But it's just unrealistic for me to put in any more than what I do now as I'm still recovering from surgery. I haven't re-adapted myself to the mechanical stress those distances put on the body. So when the dastardly Shin Splints wafted on the horizon as I first got back into training, I slammed the breaks and decidedly eased back into it with more discipline.

And that brings me to my favorite new element of training: the easy, long run. I used to dread this element of training (fire trails at Berkeley!) but that was because I was running them too quickly. In order to train an aerobic base, you have to run farther, slower. And, as a sprinter, that never made sense to me. "Tough as nails" and "pushing your limit" and "past the lactate threshold" were a sprinter's bread and butter. We're always thinking "faster" and, very often we're thinking: "fastest."

But do you enjoy the scenery when you're running faster? Can you smell the air? Greet a passing jogger with "good evening" or "hello"? Smile and wave at the little kid that waves at you?

Most recent 6+ mile run (Ocean Beach -> Land's End Trail -> Golden Gate Park)

Since I somehow tricked Marvin into doing the Berkeley Half Relay with me, I've coerced him to doing long runs with me too. To my bafflement, he'd never run more than four miles before and now we're running 6+ miles together (ranging between 9:30-10:00 pace). On these long runs, I'm always emphasizing conversational pace. And while running slow can be boring and 1+ hours of just running can feel like a waste of time, I also enjoy the company and the mini-conversations we hold. I'm happier when I run and try to enjoy my surroundings--not to mention, the Bay Area is B-E-A-U-TIFUL. And we've also quickly begun to see the effects the long run has on our faster, moderate-paced runs. Marvin was able to run a sub-8 paced 3 miler while I've begun to hover at 8:10-15.

With 100 miles logged on my Adizeros, there's still a few weeks of training to go... but I might just be a believer in the easy, long run now. I feel that the theories are solid:

• It increases aerobic capacity by stimulating capillary development
• It increases speed/energy production by stimulating mitochondrial development
• It increases aerobic energy availability by increasing myoglobin content in muscle fibers

I believe that this is really about stress adaptation and growth. As a sprinter, I've never really had a "base aerobic fitness" since my body tends to favor anaerobic activity. But with enough consistent adaptation, maybe a half marathon is in my future, after all?

I still have a soft spot for short-distance interval training though. See ya on the track. ;)

Recently Read: The Martian (Andy Weir, 2011)
Currently Reading: Zen in the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance (Robert M. Pirsig, 1974)
Currently Listening: Rivers (Thomas Jack - Hugel Remix)

Things to Do Before I Turn 30!

My 25th birthday recently passed. When I was 21 I made a things to do before I turn 25/26 list and still have a ways to go. So I'll just dump everything in my To Do Before 30 list:

From my 25/26 List:

• Read through the Bible cover to cover at least 3 times. one time.
• Go on a cycling trip across a different country (2-4 weeks).
• Learn Tagalog to a limited working proficiency. Converse with my parents in Taglish.
• Finish a half-marathon for a good cause.

Moar!

• Take my parents on a vacation. Preferably another country. Philippines or Europe.
• Adopt my own dog, implying adequate financial responsibility.
• Finish paying off my car.
• Volunteer for 1-2 months in any of the following countries: India, Nepal, or rural China.
• Learn Mandarin to a limited working proficiency.
• Learn Spanish to a limited working proficiency.
• Learn archery, buy my own archery set, and get really good at it. (<- I really want this to be my zen hobby)
• Write a short sci-fi novella.

Five years doesn't seem long enough to complete these goals.... but it's always nice to have a goal in sight. ;)

Is that all?

faith

noun

1. confidence or trust in a person or thing
2. belief that is not based on proof
3. belief in God or the doctrines or the teachings of religion
4. belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit, etc.
...

The list goes on.

Faith, by the second definition cited here, is irrational. But why do we as humans seem to need it? Has it not been a double-edge sword to human progress?

Faith is often used in science. Some in the scientific community have faith that interstellar space travel will be possible. Some in the scientific community have faith that we will discover cheap, safe, and effective ways to harness renewable energy. The timeline is unknown, sure, but science works towards these goals. However, our current physical models do not support such beliefs. Interstellar travel isn't even theoretically possible right now. Our knowledge of physics is limited. And yet, we have these flashes of brilliance: gravity, string theory, the God particle (Higgs-boson)... that provide glimpses of a world not our own.

Without faith in our own curiosity and search for expansion, would we yield to our limitations?

It's a simple concept, isn't it? Faith?

Faith is used in the absence of knowledge and certainty. Without a belief in whatever thing you want to believe in, we relent to the view of our limited certainties. Inspiration dies.

You can have faith in anything, really- enough to seek out the fruition of that belief. God, renewable energy, interstellar space travel, the soul, etc.

That which you manifest is before you.

Life as we know it is mysterious and I don't believe that this is it.
Keep going, do your best, reach forward into the unknown, and have faith.

Currently Watching: Star Trek: Voyager (Season 4, I'm so obsessed with this show!)

Manifest Destiny (The Art of Racing in the Rain)

Soul food.

That's how I would describe Garth Stein's The Art of Racing in the Rain.

You know that feeling you get after eating warm gourmet mac and cheese or a delicious plate of tachos post-margarita buzz? That feeling. Is. Nice. In the moment: altogether schmaltzy, satisfying, and complete.

This dog book was everything I was looking for when I thought to myself: I need something that doesn't make me hate myself.

That is a weird thought for someone to have (or completely normal but we all just don't want to admit it) but understand where I'm coming from. I recently turned 25 and experienced another episode of an otherwise dormant quarter life crisis (QLC)--a problem in which feelings of insecurity and inadequacy and social comparison all intensify.

To this end, I'd considered putting in time for books like The Defining Decade or 20-Something 20-Everything. quotable self-help books a few of my friends have referenced. But self-help books are even more cheesy than fiction.... and they never seem to tell me something I feel like I don't already know. I like my schmaltz woven into a story. One that makes me bawl, preferably.

Garth's book gives a nod to books like Tuesdays with Morrie or The Alchemist. It's the kind of book that makes me stop and appreciate the struggles I've gone through and the people I've met along the way. And. It encourages me to keep going.

“The sun rises every day. What is to love? Lock the sun in a box. Force the sun to overcome adversity in order to rise. Then we will cheer! I will often admire beautiful sunrise, but I will never consider the sun a champion for having risen.” 

Yes, I cried. I cried not because Enzo the dog died (not a spoiler) but because the dog's point of view is honest and raw and... as one would expect, loyal (man's best friend, after all). It makes the plot wonderfully "human."

The plot is driven by a simple story, not quite original but not so unoriginal as to be cliche. It is about his master's struggles and his personal battle. And his struggles made me so sad but life's difficulties just help you shine brighter. The fact that Denny, Enzo's human, was a racecar driver provided powerful life analogies.

In racecar driving, you must shed your ego to be truly successful. You have to see yourself as part of the universe, part of the track. In racecar driving, "La macchina va dove vanno gli occhi." "The car goes where the eyes go."

"That which you manifest is before you." - One of the main lessons Enzo learns from his master is this mantra. The power of visualization is truly underestimated. When I was in elementary school, we had a daily message we'd say after the pledge, which ended with the phrase "self-fulfilling prophecy." It was positive. We would graduate from high school in 2008 and graduate from college in 2012. But I learned sooner or later that self-fulfilling prophecies applied to negative things as well.

Strangely, this mantra is also about being fully engaged with your present, and not letting the fear of crashing control your vision. You must see the wall, the turn, the rain as part of the racetrack, as part of the collective of elements you must brave. Every composition of fiber and chemicals exists and that existence is hardly alterable. There is no point in dwelling too long on a single object that is not on the road which you must travel.

Not coincidentally, the book resonated with the mantra I've had for the past week: Free Yourself.

Free yourself from hate, envy, 

self-judgement, 

the burn of negativity, 

the confines of fear.

Fight for the choice to 

free yourself.

Give yourself the freedom of love, joy, 

self-compassion, 

to notice the little moments

and savor the breathtaking ones.

My choice is bound to 

these freedoms.

Currently Listening: Waterfalls (Bag Raiders)

Currently Reading: The Art of Racing in the Rain (Garth Stein, 2008)

Why I Feel Average

I'm feeling a bottleneck of emotions right now so here's a break from my usual program to pour out some thoughts. Pardon the authenticity...

One of my driving modes in life is to always share kindness and compassion with and for other people. And when I fail, I will accept all that life has to teach me about kindness and compassion, even when it reveals the ugly side of my egocentricity. I'm not trying to be a saint or anything, I just strongly believe that this world is better forged in love. Maybe I watched too much Disney and other movies as a kid... because, honestly,

"I want to see the world with eyes unclouded by hate." 

Maybe it's cheesy and maybe there are few people in this world that genuinely believe in the "power of love/friendship," as trite as the idea is in movies and popular media. Maybe I just feel more than the average person. Maybe I'm just naive and I've been brainwashed to want to "change the world/my community." Maybe it's all just empty emotion paralyzing me. I can't change the world with just a feeling... and sometimes I feel like these feelings aren't genuine, either. Because it's so difficult to trust the cheesiness of it all.

Maybe, after all, I'm just an average woman.

I'm especially tormented by my averageness when I feel envious, jealous, insecure, or irrational. Illustrate this with my most recent struggles with poverty mentality, body image, an overwhelming need to be validated by my loved one(s), and, most debilitating, a repressed tendency for social comparisons followed by a hidden obsession with social media stalking.

I've grown a lot over the past decade... but I still struggle and I still waste energy and mental bandwidth over these. The best example is this (and this is taking a lot of vulnerability to write): I've never been one to be jealous over exes but when she's a big part of your boyfriend's past, it's hard not to run into her ghosts, like when the world's smallness leads you to meet his high school friends, one of whom you met your boyfriend through. It's somewhat validating to hear that M and I are better matched but, even when this feeds my need for validation, I cringe at the hint of self-satisfaction I get. The only way I can cope with this is by telling myself how much I care about M and that, no matter who the ex was, what she looked like, how different they were, how different we are, she was a huge part of his life. She helped shape his personality, his viewpoints, his weirdness. I love him for those things and ergo, whoever she was, I'm thankful for her and she must be an awesome person to have been a part of his life for so long. I think this is a wonderful and very human way to see such a situation. And, when I have setbacks, this thought often moves me forward. With it, I've made a lot of progress.

Similar coping thoughts keep me forward in other aspects of my life. My body image has improved over the years but I still feel extremely insecure about my muscular and fuller build and body fat percentage. Now that I'm back to full activity, I have no excuses for myself. If I had any self-respect and real self-compassion, I would do what it takes to feel fitter and healthier instead of moping. I've learned to love my muscles and my curves but I'm angry about the body fat. So I wake up in the morning at 6:30 and hit the hills at 7am and most of the time, I really don't want to but by the end, I feel alive again.

It's that feeling of being alive, that feeling of self-respect, that rewards me along the journey. I just need to tackle my "averageness" with determination and wake up each day and...

"DO IT!!" *unh*

I've been unproductive in the past, paralyzed at my most emotional moments. And at those times, I've wished I wasn't so damn emotional. I find that while emotions can be an excellent driving force for action, it definitely seems easier to make yourself devoid of emotion completely. It's less painful, less vulnerable. Emotions as a driving fuel is like trying to harness solar or hydro- power--it can be limitless, renewable, powerful... but they're highly dependent on the weather and difficult to store. Fossil fuels (reason?), in the meantime, are so much more reliable until you learn how to utilize and manage your emotions properly.

Maybe humanity can't really ever let go of emotions because emotions succeed at making you feel alive whereas pure reason would make you feel robotic. It infuses life into what you do. It makes you more compassionate and kind, to yourself and to others. It makes you feel "human," whatever that means.

And if that's average, maybe we all need to be a little bit average...

Recently Watched: Inside Out (2015)
Currently Listening: About You (Fine Print)
Currently Reading: Consider the Lobster: And Other Essays (David Foster Wallace, 2005)

Fine Print - About You

Pride is something we all hide behind. Maybe life teaches what is justified. 
I must confess the past is not behind me yet.
Bring down my name--it only serves to slow me down. 

You know I felt like love was never gonna claim me, every fall was fraught with the sense of going under. But when I think about you babe, it all goes away, the skies have been blue lately (the weather's changing here)... when I think about you babe, when I think about you...

Turning tides is something that is slowly done but deep inside there's nothing we can't overcome. 
Then there are some days when nothing seems to go my way. And all my mistakes: loud as burning thunder. 

And it felt like love was never gonna claim me and it felt so hard to keep from going under.  But when I think about you babe, it all goes away, the skies have been blue lately (the weather's changing here).... when I think about you babe, when I think about you.

Life Updates: Full-Time at UCSF

I no longer have two jobs!

I'm at the Department of Physiological Nursing full time now, under a professor whose name is homonymous with Dr. Who. My main responsibilities include data science (data acquisition, data analysis, data interpretation, database management), project management (running operations for our SuperAlarm project at superalarm4patients.com), and research (my own research project- integrating medications into our SuperAlarm algorithm).

It's very stimulating being here full time as it is fully collaborative within this lab. The School of Nursing and the School of Medicine seem to have very different cultures. Where SON is much more team-oriented, collaborative, and social, SOM seems much more standalone and consists of little islands of research. SOM is still collaborative, but not as intensively as it is where I currently work. In physiological nursing, everyone gets a taste of everyone else's projects and, while being serious about patient care and our expertise, we always try to cultivate teamwork in both social and professional ways.

I really liked my job at Ophthalmology and had the opportunity to travel to Europe thanks to Dr. Damato. The most exciting part about that job was being a part of a technological movement towards patient-centered care. We worked to bring patient-reported outcomes to Ocular Oncology, made headway in creating a database for clinical outcomes in ocular oncology, and integrated that database into our existing EMR (Epic). There are still avenues to return if I want to stick to a career in health IT.

While health IT will always be essential knowledge, a long career in it is not my "Big Dream."

Luckily, one thing I'm starting to love about UCSF (or at least the group I'm with) is that you're allowed to dream and you can make it happen. I'm working my way up to it