Rebuilding

Currently Listening: Weak (Daphne Khoo), If I Told You (Stephen Lynch, The Wedding Singer)

I just watched the most recent Wong Fu Productions video "After Us."



And because of Wong Fu, this is going to be one of those posts where I reflect on my past. Since I'm trying to move on, I've been limiting how often I let myself look back. But as usual, Wong Fu depicts a relatable storyline. This one resembles the struggle I went through the first half of this year: the path to recovery.

And you start to see life... without him.... at this point it's not even about finding another person to love, it's about finding who you are as a person - as a human. It's only when you don't have to consider anyone else that you can focus on your life - creating the best possible version of yourself.

Earlier this month, I struggled with the notion that you had to be single to really work on being a better person - couldn't you still love another person while still working on yourself? I'm still not convinced one way or the other. I think it's possible to let love in and still learn to focus on both your own and their own personal growth and development. But in the context of my situation at the time, it was better to stop dating or pursuing a relationship. I've been funemployed and I still don't know where life is going to take me in the next few months.

Single-dom in my 20s has given me the freedom to really evaluate myself and what I believe in. Single-dom let me look critically on what dating actually is to people my age. At the outset, it seems like dating is hooking up and flings and fun. It's all very casual. I can't honestly see how people can be physically intimate with others without having a comfortable level of love and trust on both sides.

Personally, I can only ever really fall in love with someone I've known for some time. I need to establish a level of trust with them. I need to have some idea of who they are, what makes them tick, what makes them happy... And it goes vice versa, too. No matter how much a stranger seems to like me, I would be hesitant to trust their feelings because they don't know me and how I am around the people I care about. I guess I just don't fit into today's dating culture... and I guess you could say I don't believe in love at first sight/meeting.

And that's why, after a few weeks of getting back on talking terms with my ex (because I wanted to be friends again), I realized how difficult it truly is for me to trust someone so deeply and open up again to a brand new person. My ex and I had essentially been best friends over the course of our relationship and then were cut off from each other for several months. I had forgotten what it felt like to have someone in your life that knew you so well. He had said something to me during our break up: "Maybe I'll be able to open up to someone again someday..." I don't think I quite understood what he meant until just now. Now I realize how difficult it is. It's ironic because the more I realize how difficult it is to open up to someone, the more I crave it... I want so badly to have someone to connect with, to care about and love - someone I can take care of when they're sick or sad or stressed. Someone I can motivate on their journey towards a better self. And vice versa. I want that life partner - that teammate - that "forever love" I hold hands with - someone whose hugs and kisses actually mean something...

But then the more I crave that connection... the more I question myself. Because for all I am in the present, I still have so much outside of a relationship (and family and kids) that I'm striving for. First, that new job. Second, helping my family. Third, making a difference in the world...  But just because I'm striving for the best possible version of myself doesn't mean that I'm not comfortable with myself and can't love another person. I think? I guess it's just a matter of time right now.... I'm ready to prove to [myself] that [I] can live on.

I'm generally a happy and optimistic person now and I think I've got a pretty good handle on my "silly switch." I'm joyful by default but sometimes fall back on a more pensive mood - which has been my mood as of late.

Ugh, Wong Fu, why must you make me feel the feels?

"Your journey has molded you for your greater good, and it was exactly what it needed to be. Don't think that you've lost time. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. And now is right on time."  - Asha Tyson