Rebuilding

Currently Listening: Weak (Daphne Khoo), If I Told You (Stephen Lynch, The Wedding Singer)

I just watched the most recent Wong Fu Productions video "After Us."



And because of Wong Fu, this is going to be one of those posts where I reflect on my past. Since I'm trying to move on, I've been limiting how often I let myself look back. But as usual, Wong Fu depicts a relatable storyline. This one resembles the struggle I went through the first half of this year: the path to recovery.

And you start to see life... without him.... at this point it's not even about finding another person to love, it's about finding who you are as a person - as a human. It's only when you don't have to consider anyone else that you can focus on your life - creating the best possible version of yourself.

Earlier this month, I struggled with the notion that you had to be single to really work on being a better person - couldn't you still love another person while still working on yourself? I'm still not convinced one way or the other. I think it's possible to let love in and still learn to focus on both your own and their own personal growth and development. But in the context of my situation at the time, it was better to stop dating or pursuing a relationship. I've been funemployed and I still don't know where life is going to take me in the next few months.

Single-dom in my 20s has given me the freedom to really evaluate myself and what I believe in. Single-dom let me look critically on what dating actually is to people my age. At the outset, it seems like dating is hooking up and flings and fun. It's all very casual. I can't honestly see how people can be physically intimate with others without having a comfortable level of love and trust on both sides.

Personally, I can only ever really fall in love with someone I've known for some time. I need to establish a level of trust with them. I need to have some idea of who they are, what makes them tick, what makes them happy... And it goes vice versa, too. No matter how much a stranger seems to like me, I would be hesitant to trust their feelings because they don't know me and how I am around the people I care about. I guess I just don't fit into today's dating culture... and I guess you could say I don't believe in love at first sight/meeting.

And that's why, after a few weeks of getting back on talking terms with my ex (because I wanted to be friends again), I realized how difficult it truly is for me to trust someone so deeply and open up again to a brand new person. My ex and I had essentially been best friends over the course of our relationship and then were cut off from each other for several months. I had forgotten what it felt like to have someone in your life that knew you so well. He had said something to me during our break up: "Maybe I'll be able to open up to someone again someday..." I don't think I quite understood what he meant until just now. Now I realize how difficult it is. It's ironic because the more I realize how difficult it is to open up to someone, the more I crave it... I want so badly to have someone to connect with, to care about and love - someone I can take care of when they're sick or sad or stressed. Someone I can motivate on their journey towards a better self. And vice versa. I want that life partner - that teammate - that "forever love" I hold hands with - someone whose hugs and kisses actually mean something...

But then the more I crave that connection... the more I question myself. Because for all I am in the present, I still have so much outside of a relationship (and family and kids) that I'm striving for. First, that new job. Second, helping my family. Third, making a difference in the world...  But just because I'm striving for the best possible version of myself doesn't mean that I'm not comfortable with myself and can't love another person. I think? I guess it's just a matter of time right now.... I'm ready to prove to [myself] that [I] can live on.

I'm generally a happy and optimistic person now and I think I've got a pretty good handle on my "silly switch." I'm joyful by default but sometimes fall back on a more pensive mood - which has been my mood as of late.

Ugh, Wong Fu, why must you make me feel the feels?

"Your journey has molded you for your greater good, and it was exactly what it needed to be. Don't think that you've lost time. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. And now is right on time."  - Asha Tyson

Treacherous (Coffee, Friendship, and Unicorns)

Currently Listening: Treacherous (Taylor Swift)
Currently Reading: way too many job descriptions and Huffington Post articles
Movies Watched: Crazy Stupid Love (2011)

Note to Self: Coffee hiatus leads to increased caffeine sensitivity when consumed. I drank coffee around 10am and can't fall asleep and it's 2am right now...

Unfortunately I have nothing to write about for my Monday post so here are just a few updates:

It was my MTM sister's birthday last week! We surprised her with cupcakes and good company on her actual birthday (Thur 8/21) with a fail on my part for getting "24" candles instead of "23" -___-. And then we went out bowling on Saturday and hit up a karaoke bar afterwards - which was cool, because I sang in public on stage for the first time in my life! I jammed to "I won't say (I'm in love)." It's amazing how much more free and confident I feel these days. And a lot of that has to do with the amazing friendship/siblinghood I have with this girl, who was there for me in one of my darkest hours. I really respect/admire her! :) <3

Ah, nothing beats a good ol' AYCE KBBQ session with Cal friends! Also, Angela's finally in the Bay Area!

Do I even have to repeat how much I love my spicy cilantro family? Dinner or drinks with my favorite BioE PhD students always makes my week. 

I recently began a hasthag on my Instagram #advenutreswithmyunicorn... basically a representation of my inner desire to have a bit of  magic in my life - and maybe one day meet and fall in love with my unicorn - that crazy special, irreplaceable man that's gonna be my best friend and lover and complements me perfectly with his strengths and weaknesses. The one that is committed to personal growth and the growth of love and a relationship. And the one that wants to change the world with me ;). I believe he's out there.. somewhere. Maybe I've yet to meet him, maybe I already know him. Hey, a girl can dream, right? I would have to fight the inner cynic to keep that childlike sense of wonder. And still more importantly, I still need to overcome fears of getting too close to someone, getting hurt, or hurting someone again.  In the meantime, I'm content with where I'm at and will pursue my career and make myself a better person!

Miscellaneous

When it rains, it pours. Weird car situation right now. Shower drain clogged and not working. :(

Tomorrow, I have a bunch of phone calls to make with recruiters. I hope that goes well!

I have an interview on Wednesday at UCSF for a clinical research position dealing with neurosurgery. I'm excited for it and also a bit anxious (could be another reason I can't sleep). This would be a dream job for sure! When I answered the phone call to set up the interview, it helped that I am VERY interested and fascinated with both neurology and clinical research - which basically meant I was able to say all the right things on the spot!

The same day before my Wednesday interview, I'm having lunch at Facebook HQ with an awesome friend who works there. (Anurag)

I have an MRI appointment and an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon about my left knee. Finally, after several years of putting it off, I'll find out what's wrong with it exactly.

Cheers, all! Hopefully I will have good news about my job situation next week!

How job hunting is simultaneously a soul-crushing and soul-discovering experience

Currently Listening: Turn the Beat Around (Gloria Estefan)
Currently Reading: The End of Eternity (Isaac Asimov, 1955, Audiobook)
Movies Watched: Pursuit of Happyness (2006)

So I'm on the job hunt, right?

The first job is always the hardest to land especially when you've been in academia your entire life. It was my mistake to not have interned anywhere in industry before, little did I know. And now, sitting on a pile of student debt (from my master's program alone), I am fighting to get my foot in the door. And it can't just be any door... it has to be one that can lead me to where I see myself in 5 years, else it take much longer to get there.

Job hunting requires a certain kind of mindset, it seems. It's sort of like dating except more brutal.

Self-Discovery: You should know what you want - or have a really good idea of what you want. I want to be a lot of things. I want to know a lot of things. I like to leave my options open. But what I've learned, at least for this first job hunt, is I need to be very good at one thing and I need to clearly state what I want (for me, I chose clinical research or regulatory affairs). And if it wasn't obvious, people who are very focused and have zeroed in on exactly what they want to do are very attractive for very exact positions. They are able to state, matter-of-factly, who they are and how that is backed up and how that relates to what they want. As time goes by, it's been a process of really understanding what it is I need and want from a career as well as what I can bring to whatever role I'm trying to fill. (Man, this really does sound like dating...) The constant editing and rewording I am doing for my resume and CV is an evolution process. And I'm liking where this is going. Nothing's changing; I'm just starting to understand what's important and how to say it. (Then again, how do you not sound like every other dating LinkedIn profile?) Job searching is image crafting at it's finest. You gotta build your own personal brand right?

Soul-Crushing: #TeamSingle. Over the past month, I've gone through periods of extreme motivation and upbeat optimism... with occasional but treacherous bouts of dismay and insecurity. Questions mull through my head: "How does everyone around me already have a great and awesome job? Why am I so behind? Why does it take me so much longer to find a job?" And then there's waiting on responses after interviews. And then getting rejected or redirected. Or getting an offer and then figuring out you actually don't really want that. Hmmm. People have told me to enjoy this period of being single joblessness - the only time in young 20s, really, where I have blocks of time to devote to my family and friends and other hobbies. This is true, yes, but man... that student debt. Not to mention that sense of responsibility I feel as the oldest child. Thankfully, my family is a short 6 hour drive away in SoCal and I've been able to spend time with them. The clock is ticking. I think my emotional states regarding joblessness have become more even-keeled though. Nothing phases me and I'm still rather optimistic about everything. I'm visualizing it all in my head.

It's taking a lot of effort. It took a lot of work to get the degrees and the experience and qualifications I have on my resume/CV but it's not like that means a job will just fall into my hands. It takes a lot of persistence to keep the applications, phone conversations, and followups going - so slowly but surely, I get on the phone with more people and begin more and more email threads. Dead ends can be discouraging but thus is life! It also takes a lot of hard work to prepare yourself for the unexpected. I learned from a friend of mine to always be prepared for an impromptu interview (he got to the final round for Google because he was always prepared!).

Remaining positive takes a lot of resilience and self-assuredness. Being confident but keeping it honest is a big balancing act in this phase of life. In the end, though, I'm really glad I get to experience "The Hunt" - it feels like an essential part of my personal and career growth.

Well, that's my 3AM spiel. I couldn't sleep. But now I ought to...

Are you out of your Vulcan mind?

Currently Listening: Reunited (Peaches & Herbs), Where Do Broken Hearts Go? (Whitney Houston), I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Whitney Houston)
Currently Reading: The End of Eternity (Isaac Asimov, 1955), The Road Less Traveled (Scott Peck, audio book)
Movies Watched: Hitch (2005), Star Trek (2009), Star Trek: Into Darkness (2013), Star Wars: A New Hope (1977), The Empire Strikes Back (1980), Return of the Jedi (1983)

Mr. Spock. The mind of the Enterprise. The fearless genius who ensures a calm force of intelligence guides their every mission. But look deeper and you will see an outsider who does not belong, a man of two worlds. This tears him apart, the constant battle between what he thinks and what he feels. What does he do? Does he follow his head, embracing logic and the path of reason? Or does he follow his heart, knowing the emotions he cannot control may destroy him? I will help him decide...

What is it with me and complex villains/characters...?

Taking a break in SoCal. I finally got to watch the original Star Wars trilogy! Yess! I liked Return of the Jedi best, especially the moment where Anakin Skywalker saves his son <3.

The Star Wars trilogy does an excellent job of illustrating clear tensions between two opposing sides of a "force" but I have a slight issue. It's clear that the antagonists stand on the dark side and the protagonists stand on the light side. Perhaps I've been spoiled by the edgy complex villains of today's movie industry but Star Wars was not complex at all - not on the surface anyway. There was nothing beside the idea of 'power' and giving into anger that gave me any indication that Luke would give in to the temptation of the dark side. Which is great. He is the archetypal hero - relatable and the paragon of virtue I'd aspire towards. Luke has an unwavering devotion to his friends (which solidifies his place on the side of 'good').

The most compelling characters, on the other hand, were Darth Vader and Han Solo. I see myself drawn to personalities of this nature all the time (for example, Zuko from Avatar: The Last Airbender and Zero from Code Geass). Maybe I just love onions. I know I'm not the only one. It is Darth Vader, not his son, who really makes the trilogy what it was. Does he have good in him or not? Will he save Luke from being killed or not? To be or not to be? That is the question.

I think that characters with a compelling inner conflict are more likely to define a movie's greatness. It keeps audiences interested and makes the characters real. Because if there's anything we've learned, nothing is black and white in this world. It's almost like flirting with my psyche.

Controlling your own destiny...

Another theme I enjoyed in Star Wars is the idea of our 'destiny.' Throughout the series, Obi-wan along with Yoda and Palpatine along with Darth Vader tried to influence Luke's "destiny." Luke's presence in the universe is obviously influential - there is no denying that. And so the fact that the two opposing sides would use "destiny" as a reason to join speaks to how powerfully this world feels about it. A philosophical or spiritual device, yes, and something kids can understand. Obviously, I don't ascribe wholly to the idea. We are as in control of our actions as we are of our inaction. We are the sum of our reactions to our external circumstances. Interesting food for thought here.

The Alliance or Starfleet?

Overall, I think I enjoy Star Trek over Star Wars. It's not fair to compare apples and oranges, especially since I watched the Star Trek reboot and not the old movies or the series (a dilemma of accessibility but I'll get around to it). Star Trek has a richer science fiction and thus a more interesting world by comparison.

Also, I'm in love with Spock. The half-Vulcan backstory and conflict between 'logic' and 'irrationality' gets me EVERY TIME. Yes, it is now my goal to become a trekkie. I'm late to the party, but whatevs. Mwahahaha! More on this in future posts. When I get around to it.

Favorite Quotes

(Star Wars)
"The force is strong with this one." - Darth Vader
"I have you now." - Darth Vader
"It is your destiny."
"You are unwise to lower your defenses!" - Darth Vader
"Never tell me the odds!" - Han
"Do or do not. There is no try!" - Yoda

(Star Trek)
"If you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable must be the truth." - Spock
"Live long and prosper." (come on, who doesn't love this quote?) - Spock
"Are you out of your Vulcan mind?!" - Bones

Nyota Uhura: At that volcano, you didn't give a thought to us. What it would do to me if you died, Spock. You didn't feel anything. You didn't care. And I'm not the only one who's upset with you. The Captain is, too.

James T. Kirk: No, no, no. Don't drag me into this. She is right.

Spock: Your suggestion that I do not care about dying is incorrect. A sentient being's optimal chance at maximizing their utility is a long and prosperous life.

Nyota Uhura: Great.

James T. Kirk: Not exactly a love song, Spock.

Spock: You misunderstand. It is true I chose not to feel anything upon realizing my own life was ending. As Admiral Pike was dying, I joined with his consciousness and experienced what he felt at the moment of his passing. Anger. Confusion. Loneliness. Fear. I had experiences those feelings before, multiplied exponentially on the day my planet was destroyed. Such a feeling is something I choose never to experience again. Nyota, you mistake my my choice to feel as a reflection of my not caring. Well, I assure you, the truth is precisely the opposite.

Making rational decisions is difficult. But necessary. It often takes discipline to act on what you know to be for the best... understanding the consequences... sometimes, all there's left is just being happy with what was and is.

Sensory Input

Currently Listening: Michael Jackson!
Currently Reading: Freakonomics (Stephen J. Dubner, Steven D. Levitt)
Queued Reading: The End of Eternity (Isaac Asimov)

Reading: I am quite certain I could probably be better about reading more but oh well. In this world of constant sensory input from social media, friends, and YouTube, I've resorted to the following:

• throwing whatever book I'm reading in my purse to take out during wait periods, while I'm walking, etc.
• reading while I'm on the elliptical or stationary bike
• reading while I'm in a coffee shop

It's weird that I can't just sit down and read in my apartment. Do I just get distracted by my alone-ness? I've no idea.

Also... why are jobs so hard to find?!

Twenty-Four

[UPDATED]

The Tonight Show Cast Party: I'm feeling 22(+2)!
August 9, 2014

A certain fabulous Elaine Su and I hosted a "Tonight Show Cast Party" and used my birthday as an excuse. It was also a hipster party. And a celebrity party. And a bad pun night party. And a lip sync battle party.

First order of business: I have to gush about the gorgeous Elaine who offered to host the party at her apartment. I don't know what I would have done without her! How can someone be so crazy smart and fashionable and pretty and a great baker and a good friend all in one? I HAVE NO IDEA but she is all that and more. She even hosted another party the next day at her apartment for which she was able to make fruit tarts and rose-lychee macarons. Yay for an awesome BioE PhD friend! <3

Okay, now that I've finished gushing.....

Clothespin Name Tags

House rules stated no shoes and you must wear a name tag. Anticipating friends from high school (at least those who happened to be in the Bay Area), from MTM, from M.Eng, and from the BioE PhD program, it was necessary to make sure the ice could instantly be broken.

What better way than to make people have bad punny gag names? This easily gives people something to talk and laugh about. 

Note: The use of clothespins was a creative take I had on hipster name tags. The use of pun names was inspired by a friend's "end of the world" party I attended in Hong Kong.

Among many others, here are some of the names that were used:

- Sarah Bellum (a nerdy science crowd favorite <3)

- Anita Mann

- Anita Job

- Alec Bond (have you met alec bond?)

- Nick Bond (do you know nick bond? io nick bond! - okay, this is a stretch... I tried...)

- Joe King

- It Sake

- Robin Banks

- Mary A. Richman

- Justin Thyme (J.T.)

- Justin Case

Attire: Hipster or Celebrity? I'm confused.

You know, I think I was a tad too ambitious about the theme. Maybe I just wanted to add more appeal by saying you could also dress up as a hipster. Or a celebrity hipster. Or I made it easy on people by telling them to dress smart casual. In any case, I'm not a stickler about themes (though I think being picky about it is necessary in some cases) - I just wanted to see people and have fun.

Note: People love dressing up as hipsters.

 

Lip Sync Battle

(Inspired by Jimmy Fallon's Tonight Show lip sync battles)

I ascribe to the idea that one should strive to:

Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching.

It's overquoted, but I think it speaks to being unabashed about who you are in all your combination of awkwardness, awesomeness, and uniqueness. For me anyway, lip syncing is a way to embrace that.

We implemented this by going around before the first round of actual battle time and asking them what they wanted to lip sync. Then, I added the lyric videos onto a youtube playlist (Round 1). I went first! Then other people (possibly inebriated) went. By popular opinion, Round 2 was implemented after a few minutes of "intermission" - during which more people signed up and re-entered.

I wish I had provided prizes on the spot. But alas - better late than never... here are my selections!

Lip Sync Battle Champions by popular vote/cheer/laughter during the contest (the ones that get bragging rights)

Slim Shady and Justin Thyme aka JT (Phillip and Eric) sealed their victories with a collaboration of The Lonely Island's (ft. Justin Timberlake) "Dick in a Box (Uncensored)"

--- Awards---

[Best Dramatic Balladeer] Mary A. Richman (Greg) takes this with his performances of "Part of Your World" from The Little Mermaid and Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You"

[Best Duo] "Let it Sync In"'s (Britta and Julea) with their sync of Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody"

[Best Syncer] Andrew with his syncs of Rebecca Black's "Friday" and Will Smith's "Getting Jiggy Wit It"

[Best Collaboration] Anisha, Hector, Julea, Britta, and Andrea as the Spice Girls for "Wannabe"

[Most Underperforming] Truman during the Oxnerd sync of Taylor Swift's "22"

[Most Spontaneous] Slim Shady (Phil) gave a hilarious sync of Eminem's "The Real Slim Shady"

[Most Crowd Pleasing] Sasha Grey (Lisa) with her rendition of Miley Cyrus' "Party in the USA" (she actually sang along!)

[Most Sung-Along-To Sync] Tied between Eric's sync of "Call Me Maybe" and Jenny and Eric's "I was forced to do this and ended up doing the whole song" sync of "Let it Go" from Frozen 

[Most Heartwrenching Sync] John's  sync of Sean Kingston's "Beautiful Girls"

[Most Fitting to the Party Theme Sync] Lisa, Han, Truman, and Andrea (Oxnerd sync of Taylor Swift's 22)

Celebrate your success and find humor in your failures. Don't take yourself so seriously. Loosen up and everyone around you will loosen up. Have fun and always show enthusiasm. When all else fails, put on a costume and sing a silly song. - Sam Walton