Hiatus

I've decided to take a temporary hiatus from public blogging (with the exception of ACL Chronicles). The hiatus could be a month or even longer. 

2015 New Year's Resolution

Continue cultivating a beautiful soul*, worth sharing with others. <3

Love,
--dreyers

*soul = vessel, being, humanity, etc etc

The Old Raja’s Notes on What’s What

(and what it might be reasonable to do about what’s what)

From Island by Aldous Huxley

I
Nobody needs to go anywhere else. We are all, if we only knew it, already there.
If I only knew who in fact I am, I should cease to behave as what I think I am; and if I stopped behaving as what I think I am, I should know who I am.
What in fact I am, if only the Manichee I think I am would allow me to know it, is the reconciliation of yes and no lived out in total acceptance and the blessed experience of Not-Two. 

In religion all words are dirty words. Anyone who gets eloquent about Buddha, or God, or Christ, ought to have his mouth washed out with carbolic soap.
Because his aspiration to perpetuate only the “yes” in every pair of opposites can never, in the nature of things, be realized, the insulated Manichee I think I am condemns himself to endlessly repeated frustration, endlessly repeated conflicts with other aspiring and frustrated Manichees. 

Conflicts and frustrations—the theme of all history and almost all biography. “I show you sorrow,” said the Buddha realistically. But he also showed the ending of sorrow—self-knowledge, total acceptance, the blessed experience of Not-Two. 

II
Knowing who in fact we are results in Good Being, and Good Being results in the most appropriate kind of good doing. But good doing does not of itself result in Good Being. We can be virtuous without knowing who in fact we are. The beings who are merely good are not Good Beings; they are just pillars of society. 

Most pillars are their own Samsons. They hold up, but sooner or later they pull down. There has never been a society in which most good doing was the product of Good Being and therefore constantly appropriate. This does not mean that there will never be such a society or that we in Pala are fools for trying to call it into existence. 

III
The Yogin and the Stoic—two righteous egos who achieve their very considerable results by pretending, systematically, to be somebody else. But it is not by pretending to be somebody else, even somebody supremely good and wise, that we can pass from insulated Manichee-hood to Good Being. 

Good Being is knowing who in fact we are; and in order to know who in fact we are, we must first know, moment by moment, who we think we are and what that bad habit of thought compels us to feel and do. A moment of clear and complete knowledge of what we think we are, but in fact are not, puts a stop, for the moment, to the Manichean charade. If we renew, until they become a continuity, these moments of the knowledge of what we are not, we may find ourselves, all of a sudden, knowing who in fact we are. 

Concentration, abstract thinking, spiritual exercises—systematic exclusions in the realm of thought. Asceticism and hedonism—systematic exclusions in the realms of sensation, feeling and action. But Good Being is in the knowledge of who in fact is in relation to all experiences. So be aware—aware in every context, at all times and whatever, creditable or discreditable, pleasant or unpleasant, you may be doing or suffering. This is the only genuine yoga, the only spiritual exercise worth practicing. 

The more a man knows about individual objects, the more he knows about God. Translating Spinoza’s language into ours, we can say: The more a man knows about himself in relation to every kind of experience, the greater his chance of suddenly, one fine morning, realizing who in fact he is—or rather Who (capital W) in Fact (capital F) “he” (between quotation marks) Is (capital I). 

St. John was right. In a blessedly speechless universe, the Word was not only with God; it was God. As a something to be believed in. God is a projected symbol, a reified name. God = “God.” 

Faith is something very different from belief. Belief is the systematic taking of unanalyzed words much too seriously. Paul’s words, Mohammed’s words, Marx’s words, Hitler’s words—people take them too seriously, and what happens? What happens is the senseless ambivalence of history—sadism versus duty, or (incomparably worse) sadism as duty; devotion counterbalanced by organized paranoia; sisters of charity selflessly tending the victims of their own church’s inquisitors and crusaders. Faith, on the contrary, can never be taken too seriously. For Faith is the empirically justified confidence in our capacity to know who in fact we are, to forget the belief-intoxicated Manichee in Good Being. Give us this day our daily Faith, but deliver us, dear God, from Belief.

Books and Movies of 2014

I challenged myself this year to get back into the swing of reading for leisure and for soaking up new information and ideas. Here are the complete lists of media I consumed over the past year (since I started keeping track in May). I wish I had read more but this was a great start!

Text size and boldness indicates how the book or movie ranks as a favorite or recommended! (Re-read material not included). I think my favorite authors over my lifetime have been: C.S. Lewis, Aldous Huxley, and Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.. Paulo Coelho could make the list... but I think I need to read more than The Alchemist and Eleven Minutes to know for sure. Heh.

Books Finished

Being Digital (Nicholas Negroponte, 1995)
Cat's Cradle (Kurt Vonnegut, 1963)
Deciphering the Cosmic Number (Arthur I. Miller, 2009)
Divergent (Veronica Roth, 2011)
Freakonomics (Stephen J. Dubner, Steven D. Levitt, 2005)
I, Robot (Isaac Asimov, 1950)
Meditations (Marcus Aurelius, 1909)
Mindfulness in Plain English (Bhante Gunarantana, 1992)
The Communist Manifesto (Karl Marx, Freidrich Engels, 1848)
The End of Eternity (Isaac Asimov, 1955)
The Last Question (Isaac Asimov, 1956 short story)
Thinking, Fast and Slow (Daniel Khaneman, 2011)
World War Z: An Oral History... (Max Brooks, 2006)
[re] The Picture of Dorian Gray (Oscar Wilde, 1891)
[re] The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values, and Spiritual Growth (Scott Peck, 1978)

Sci-Fi/Fantasy: 4

Young Adult: 1

Non-fiction: 4

Fiction: 1

Philosophy: 4

Total Books Read: 14 (13)

Movies Watched

Big Hero 6 (2014)
How to Train Your Dragon 2 (2014)
Neighbors (2014)
Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993)
Star Trek: Into Darkness (2013)
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999)
Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones (2002)
Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (2005)
Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope (1977)
Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi (1983)
The Lego Movie (2014)
The Maze Runner 2014)
The Princess Bride (1987)
Zoolander (2001)
[re] Crazy Stupid Love (2011)
[re] How to Train Your Dragon (2010)
[re] Star Trek (2009)

Buenos Propósitos del Año Nuevo

Ahora Leyendo: Island (Alduous Huxley, 1962); TF&S
Ahora Escuchando: Mistletoe (Justine Bieber) <- jajajaja

Ahora es un buen momento para reflexionar sobre el pasado.

Oh boo, it's too hard to think in Spanish right now... my mind's been overactive as I've been trying to distract myself from the discomfort of my knee.

I normally don't condone new year's resolutions/goals but I thought I'd use this post to renew commitments to some of my prior goals:

• Continue learning Spanish! (Duolingo every day, two Spanish posts per month)
• Reduce/control sugar intake and abate that sweet tooth of mine. This is in light of recently learning my dad is diabetic now. I'll need to figure out a reasonable sugar quota based on current intake.
• Continue reading lots of books! Yummm, finally satiating my inner literary geek. Write four short stories by the end of the year. :]
• Continue learning Mandarin songs. (3 more by.. February?)
• Join IM basketball by summer or fall. (Continue physical therapy and improve shooting technique)
• Take up a new physically relaxing hobby. (Archery?)
• Travel! Go to Europe in June! Paris for a Ophthalmology conference... awesome incentive at work.

P.S. not being able to walk sucks... :'(

Un-Taming of the Shrewd [The Reduced Shakespeare Company]

The Complete Works of William Shakespeare (abridged)

It was in an AP English Literature and Composition class at Oxford Academy that I first heard of The Reduced Shakespeare Company, RSC (not to be confused with the Royal Shakespeare Company). We were reading Hamlet and subsequently watched RSC do an abridged version from an online copy of their Complete Works of William Shakespeare (abridged). Needless to say, hilarity ensued and I aspired to see them live--eventually. Because live theater is, well, awesome.

All the Great Works (abridged)

Six years later, I finally saw RSC live at the Laguna Beach Playhouse when they did "All the Great Works [abridged]," a fast-paced dive through nearly one hundred different great works of literature. This show is full of wit and brevity and... class. *snicker*

All the Great Works is structured in an English class whose syllabus covers everything from The Fountainhead to Frankenstein to The Grapes of Wrath to Green Eggs and Ham to War and Peace. I haven't read that last one but apparently I don't need to now. Having read less than half the books in the syllabus (36% to be exact), I still found it funny the entire time. I didn't catch all of the references which makes me realize just how well-read I'm actually not. That's fine by me given the limited spare time I have to improve my literacy. (Admittedly, the average age of the audience members was markedly higher than the ages of Sofia, Noah, Jasper, or I.. perhaps old people have had more time to read...)

And hey, I got an A+ and their autographs on my diploma! :D

It helps that many other references to works such as The Scarlet Letter, Jaws, and The Interpretation of Dreams have been popularized or referenced in a modern form of media that I've encountered. This helped me understand at least half of the book references from the syllabus. I state the obvious here but seminal literature is great because they've permeated throughout society despite the passage of time.

You really don't need to be an English major to enjoy RSC's All the Great Works. They incorporate as much intelligent comedy as they do slapstick. I enjoyed it and was ecstatic to finally see them live. If you appreciate literacy and paid attention in your mandatory high school and college English classes, this will be fun and completely worth it! And maybe you'll feel extremely pretentious buying tickets to a live theater comedy show about books and smart things. *wink*

The Complete History of Comedy (abridged)

The second time I saw RSC was last Saturday (12.13.2014) in "The Complete History of Comedy (abridged)" at the Marin Theater Company.

Again, there were a lot of old people (I didn't notice this until my date pointed it out). Perhaps people in my age demographic don't actively seek out live theater as a form of entertainment. It competes with the likes of television (Netflix) and cinema. I will, despite this, always advocate musicals, theater, and live performance because they are so mentally and sensationally engaging.

Reed, Dom, and Austin let us have a picture with them <3
Instagram-worthy.

Our experience this time was a prime example of that: Marvin and I had the fortuitous misfortune of arriving late to the theater. As is protocol, we had to be guided in at selected 'breaks' to minimize disruption. Disruption is difficult to avoid, however, and since the two of us had front row seats, it was practically inevitable.

"In Chapter 2 of the Art of Comedy.... [pause] two people walk into the front row LATE."

For the next five minutes, the actors heckled us with questions and reproach. We were obliged to introduce ourselves and shake hands with them. We were briefed on what we had missed. And we explained we were late because we were at a "Thanksmas" (Thanksgiving + Christmas Friendsgiving dinner), an explanation met with confusion and chiding. Boy, did the guy sitting next to us have a grand old time laughing at our demarcation.

From then on, our first-name basis relationship with Austin, Reed, and Dom primed us in the precarious position of "running gag" material. Yes, I reveled in the attention. Rewarded for our disregard for punctuality? I think yes. Though we did almost get a pie to the face....

As for the show itself: the framework was extremely clever. RSC guided the audience through a book paralleled to Sun Tzu's "Art of War" (for violence and comedy are often analogous, if not the same) and parodied religious leaders with Rambozo the Clown, the apparent messiah and author of the 'Art of Comedy.' Cultural and historical references are made--but none too out there for it to fall flat if you miss them. The experience is completely educational! It gave me a crudely wholesome appreciation for comedy, laughter, and even music. I'm often impressed with the chemistry these guys have with each other. Even when they are improvising, they will often have synchronous reactions that appears deceptively untamed. They have intelligent dynamic and are adept at all forms of comedy.

A worthwhile two hours of my life, if I do say so myself. I'd say so even if we had been punctual.

ACL Chronicles

Currently Listening: Landslide (in the style of the Dixie Chicks)
Currently Reading: TF&S; Mindfulness in Plain English

Going to do a little something different for this Wednesday post: ACL Chronicles will be updated as the days go by, keeping track of the details of my rehab journey. In classic "Flowers for Algernon" style.

[12.17.2014]

First, the surgery day!

Before my knee becomes
a cantaloupe :[

6:45AM Check-in: Straightforward. I have the medications and the medical history forms pre-filled out. The only medical thing I need to mention, really, is my 2006 knee surgery and the relevant titanium screws. The receptionist asked if I was Filipino and later asked if I knew Tagalog. my response: I am your typical Fil-Am and I am sure you know what that means. to which she fervently nods and says 'yup. I don't know Tagalog either.' I really need to immerse myself in Tagalog somehow.

7:30AM Pre-op: I talk to the nurse, who gets a urine sample from me, and asks me to wear a standard hospital robe with just my underwear on. The nurses all say I look like a young little thing... (but I'm 24!) I put my belongings in a bag and keep my phone on me until the last possible minute. She asks me my name, DOB, and the operation I'm going to have: "left knee arthroscopy with possible (read: probable) ACL reconstruction and meniscal repair". I talk to the anesthesiologist who recommends a "femoral block" which will be a local anesthesia injected into my femoral nerve. It is strong and lasts for up to 24 hours after the surgery. It will help manage pain. I don't remember having that before but he recommends it. And since insurance no longer covers "cold therapy systems" (see Donjoy IceMan Cold Therapy System) for knee surgery patients (I have one from my last surgery but we've lost the AC adapter), I decide to accept his recommendation. I am wary of anesthetics but I don't think there are any other options to help me avoid excruciating pain. He gives me a dose of valium to relax me and tells me it'll feel like two shots of tequila. Eh. Didn't really feel like that as far as I remember. But perhaps I was more friendly? The doctor meets with me to mark me knee. The PA meets with me to tell me what kind of graft I am going to get, the bone screw, and the company that distributes these materials:

Arthrex BioComposite Interference Screw (10 x 28 mm) made of 30% biphasic calcium phosphate and 70% PLDLA, intended to be bioabsorbed into the bone.

Arthrex ACL Tightrope (Tibialis Tendon Posterior Frozen from the Achilles of a donor)

Later, I ask for my medical records and a copy of the serial numbers of these implants. 

I'm slightly amused by the fact that I have part of someone's Achilles heel in my knee.

8:30AM OR: I am wheeled to the OR, half an hour later than scheduled. They sprawl out my arms to make me more comfortable and the anesthesiologist (Dr. Ho) talks me through what he is doing: 'I'm going to inject you with the anesthesia now. It's going to be really strong. Strong enough to put you out in about 5 seconds.' He distracts me with various questions as I tell him that the injection kind of hurts. 'Are your parents from the Philippines? Think about going there.' is the last thing I remember. I remember seeing the time before then: 8:42AM.

10:15AM Post-Op:At around 10:15, I awaken to my dad beside me and the nurse unstrapping me from something. She says 'Welcome to the land of the living. Your surgery went really well.' I ask the nurse a few questions as the brief me on the discharge instructions. She asks if I want something for pain and I say I don't need it because it's a narcotic. They say the center will call me to check up the next day. My dad and I spend about half an hour making small talk until I decide it's time to go. Sandra and a nice nurse named Sonny helps me onto a wheelchair while my dad gets the car. We leave by 11 something AM. I am recommended to not bear any weight on my knee because of the meniscectomy and the biocomposite bone screw. Too much too fast can cause failure of the bone screw to reabsorb, I'm told. The meniscal damage was worse on the medial side (a buckethandle tear) with some damage laterally.

Homeward Bound:

Throughout the day, I feel pretty good about my knee. There is very minimal pain (1/2 out of 10) because of the femoral block. But I am very numb where the femoral region is as well as throughout the leg all the way to the medial side of my ankle. It is a strange feeling and I wonder what kind of pain I'd be in if I hadn't taken the block. I take care of a few work-related things, read, and put ice on top of the ace wrap and bandages (I can't feel anything though...).

My mom finds our old Donjoy Iceman but we are missing the AC adapter and I contemplate ordering a replacement so I can have it around when I go back up north.

Thursday will be the moment of truth...

"Lo que no fue en tu año"

Ahora Escuchando: Thinking Out Loud (Ed Sheeran), Seaside (The Kooks - Boehm Remix)
Ahora Leyendo: Thinking, Fast and Slow; The Isaac Newton School of Driving; Mindfulness in Plain English

"Lo que no fue en tu año, no es tu daño" (tambien: no te hace daño)

Sofía me enseñó esta frase cuando expresé que tengo miedo al amor. Ella dice lo pasado, pasado. Y es verdad. Pero, como que expresé en mi carta anterior, el miedo es un rival muy fuerte.

El miedo es un rival muy fuerte.

He amado y perdido en el pasado. Tambien, he amado sin una razón lógica .

Tal vez yo estaba cegada.
Tal vez yo no puedo recordar con claridad.
Tal vez yo quería que el concepto de amor más que el intercambio de amor.

Diferenciar entre amor, capricho y deseo no es una cosa fácil.

Todos tenemos unos pasados.
Todos tenemos bagajes emocionales.
Pero, todos estamos tratando de vivir la vida.
Y todos estamos tratando de encontrar algo real.

Pues, no debemos ser demasiado desconfiando o miedo.
Tener estas cosas es más probable que resulte en fracaso.

Por otra parte, la autenticidad y el valor son maravilloso y sanador.
Sólo podemos ser valiente.
Y, tal vez, es vale la pena el riesgo.

Headlock

Currently Listening: Let Go (Frou Frou)
[Still] Reading: Thinking, Fast and Slow; The Isaac Newton School of Driving
Recommended Reading: Mindfulness in Plain English (Bhante Gunaratana, 1992), The Machine Stops (E.M. Forster, 1909 short story)

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

The most annoyingly epic 38-point #Scrabble play. #ZEN

Human relationships are a wonderful way of pushing your own boundaries and learning about yourself. In my most recent lesson, I realized that not only do I spend a a LOT of time thinking about random things, I have also locked myself in my head. My mind is a safe zone. I protect myself from losing the illusion of control I get from remaining in my head and outside of the sensational world. I am self-conscious. Not really about how I look, no. But about the physical manifestations of my soul... (does that sound weird or make any sense at all?)

In moderation, self-consciousness and deliberation are excellent constructs. They are tools for personal growth and development. Without self-awareness, I would not have this blog. Without deliberation, I would not be focused enough to work towards the person I'd like to become.

I can avoid an overall stasis and yet I cannot avoid paralysis in situations where it is essential to be in the moment. You see, I have this idea in my head that when I finally find the ability to "let go" and lose my inhibitions, I'll be able to dance and sing and feel things around me--truly live in the moment. I can't remember a time I ever felt truly lost "in the music" or "the rhythm" or even in nature. For example, I went to Rave of Thrones, my first [semi]rave, this week in SF and while I enjoyed myself, I recall myself caged in thoughts of what other people thought of me, my appearance, my inexperience... all because it was new to me and outside of my comfort zone. Why can't I just step out of my shell and embrace the vulnerability?

Everyone struggles with this. This entire "Life Cartogprahy" blog basically documents my efforts to deconstruct and restructure my world, find balance, and live life with conviction and managed inhibition.

Yes, I've been cultivating confidence all this time but the epiphany here is the existence of this headlock. Understanding my mental framework is the first step. Andrea "Unlocked" will take time; baby steps, baby steps.

Someone recommended mindful meditation as a way of processing my existing states. I prefer therapeutic jogs, but after knee surgery, I might need to turn to meditation to stay sane.

Mmmm... let's get it on, 2015.

Musings on Science and Psychology

[Belated Post]



Disclaimer: I am not a physicist and I apologize for skimming over the scientific concepts presented in this post! The ideas presented here might be used to generate interesting conversations about science and philosophy but the ideas are by no means comprehensive. I don't have time to go too deep into the details!

While I concede I had a fascinating romp through the history of atomic physics and psychology, I don't recommend reading Deciphering the Cosmic Number for leisure.... It was a chore reading through the heavy physics of the book. I probably would have enjoyed it a lot more if I was concurrently studying (quantum) mechanics since it goes through Wolfgang Pauli's scientific life in depth - but for me, this book took a lot of brainpower and focus to read. The most enjoyable moments for me were when I read about the science from a historical context. We take for granted how much we know now about atomic physics and don't realize how much there is still yet to know.

Overall, this book is a synthetic piece on the lives of Wolfgang Pauli (physicist) and Carl Jung (psycho-analyst), who are in their time premiere experts of their respective fields. They come together and, essentially, muse on the mysteries of the universe. Many of these musings were represented through geometric figures, archaic symbols, and numerology. A large portion of the book focused on dream interpretation and imagery and, by extension, the mystique of consciousness and life. Interesting stuff.

You can read an excellent review about the the book and its writing style here.

What exactly is the cosmic number according to Jung and Pauli? There was a very long debate in the book between the number 3 and the number 4. Both of which represents different types of spiritual completeness.

Number 3: Represented by the Holy Trinity in Christianity and appears multiple times in biblical stories. The triangle is a representation of strength and stability and Pythagorean properties are unique in geometry. In popular culture, three is often considered an important iterative number (e.g. "third time's the charm" and the Wiccan rule of three). Our physical world is known as three dimensional.

Number 4: Pauli believed strongly that the number four was the 'next level' three. While there did exist the Holy Trinity, the addition of a fourth (probably the human spirit or some other representation) made wholeness and completion. Jung believed that there are four major archetypes within the human psyche. In Pauli's field of work, atomic physics, the fourth quantum number was necessary in understanding electrons and quantum mechanics. Originally, the theory encompassed three but was not unified before the introduction of the fourth quantum number (electron spin, ms). Our world's fourth dimension, time, is quintessential in our understanding of the perceived universe.

Reasonably, these numbers would have special meaning from a mystical perspective.

But in the end, according to Pauli, what was the real cosmic number?

The fine structure constant. Or, to remember it better, the square inverse of 137.03597.

The fine structure constant is a dimensionless quantity derived from many fundamental physical constants such as elementary charge, speed of light, and the Planck constant. It is also known as the "coupling constant" or alpha, and is used to explain the mysterious electromagnetic force that governs interaction between electrons and photons (elementary particles and light). The constant was determined while the Bohr model was the cornerstone of atomic physics in 1916. At this time, everyone knew that Bohr's model could not explain the splitting of spectral lines in H2 molecules. Thus, the introduction of this number was pivotal.

From a numerological perspective, the number is very mysterious. It finds itself related to the golden ratio and is theorized to be the value for stable matter, and thus the number that makes "life" possible.

I presume that physicists and psychologists seeking to reconcile science and consciousness would be fascinated with the idea of a constant that describes life on a fundamental level. An extension of this is the possibility of objective beauty and unity in life that springs out of the chaos and increasing entropy of the universe. (am I getting too poetic here?)

Pauli's famous quote is this: 'When I die, the first thing I shall consider asking the devil is -- What is the meaning of the fine structure constant?'

Perhaps the meaning of the fine structure constant was the answer to Asimov's The Last Question: 'Can entropy be reversed?'

Antiquated Anecdotes

Currently Reading: Thinking, Fast and Slow (Daniel Khaneman, 2011), The Isaac Newton School of Driving: Physics and Your Car (Barry Parker, 2003)
Finished Reading: The Communist Manifesto (Karl Marx, Freidrich Engels, 1848, audiobook/paperback), The Last Question (Isaac Asimov, 1956, short story), Divergent (Veronica Roth, 2011)
Currently Listening: Dancin' in the Moonlight (King Harvest), Beautiful People (Sam Ock)

Blurbs from the past two weeks.:

1. I have decided to change my weekly blog post day from Monday to Wednesday. Monday was very difficult for me to keep apace with!
    
2. I will be getting knee surgery (ACL Reconstruction) for Christmas. I got my knee imaged by MRI and saw an orthopedist. I need the surgery, though. Apparently there was no ACL to be found (PCL intact; ACL was completely torn...) and there was significant meniscus damage. Totally knew this would be the case, though. I have been struggling with my left knee for quite some time. I will need all of the moral support I can get from my friends and family. It didn't scare me at first but now I'm rather nervous about it, especially when I consider if I should get an allograft vs an autograft. My approach to knee surgery now is a lot different than my reaction to surgery in high school. Now, it's more like "Challenge accepted."
     
3. Spent Thanksgiving with the family. We had Thanksgiving lunch together and saw Big Hero 6. BH6 was a very memorable and funny movie. (Ba da da da da. I cannot deactive until you say you are satisfied with your care.) I also spent a few hours (distributed over 3 days) working on my first art project in years, thanks to the mentorship of my youngest sister (a high school senior). She has been applying to colleges and art school.
    
4. The art project was a gift for a very special guy. ;) I sometimes like to think we are the bananagrams dream team.
    
5. Been busy reading. I downloaded the audiobook for The Communist Manifesto so I could listen to it on my way back up to Northern California. The word "antiquate" and its variations were oft used. I like that word. Also, the manifesto is quite intense but a worthwhile political read. I was never really into politics but I realize now that the backbone of politics is philosophy. And philosophy is interesting. (Thanks, Tiffany, for lending me the paperback copy.)
    
6. Got in touch with old friends during my the Thanksgiving break! (Albert, Jimmy, Ann, Tiffany, Jayce, etc.) Most notably, an old high school flame. It was nice reconnecting; we have done so sporadically over the years.
    
7. Went to a murder mystery birthday party! (Ann!) 'Twas awesome. She did a terrific job organizing the party and getting people to go with the role play, involving steampunk wardrobe and time travel.
    
8. Went indoor rock climbing for the first time with Marvs and my upper body is INCREDIBLY SORE. But the sense of accomplishment you get from it is so much fun! It is such a functional/useful workout. I had so much fun that I purchased a Groupon for lessons/day passes at Bridges Rock Gym in El Cerrito and will go with Eric this Saturday! I might continue pursuing this hobby after knee surgery. (After the hip hop dance classes? haha... too many things I want to do in life...)
    
9. Notes to Self: Scrabble, Hiking, Just Dance, CAH charades
    
10. I have shifted very far from my happy baseline. I am more than happy these days... I have "so much zest" and I am inspired. This shift probably has very much to do with blurb #5. Somehow this person makes me simultaneously confident and vulnerable; strong and weak; hopeful and anxious.... Some kind of madness, I tell you! Madness!

That's it for now!

Libros Antes del Fin de Año

Ahora Escuchando: Madness (Muse), Explorers (Muse)
Ahora Leyendo: Divergent (Veronica Roth, 2011)

1. Divergent (Veronica Roth, 2011)
2. Cat's Cradle (Kurt Vonnegut, 1963)
3. Thinking, Fast and Slow (Daniel Kahneman, 2011)
4. Snow Crash (Neal Stephenson, 1992) or Babel-17 (Samuel R. Delaney, 1996)
5. Insurgent (Veronica Roth, 2012)
6. Allegiant (Veronica Roth, 2012)

Aquí está una lista de libros para que yo no me olvido. Es muy larga ahora. ¡Necesito leer mas! Mi objectivo es leer estos antes del año 2015. Muy ambiciosa... Casi un libro por semana.

Espero tener tiempo porque tengo muchas cosas nuevas que estudiar para el trabajo. Pero, me siento como que puedo completar.

Me siento como que puedo hacer cualquier cosa - que todo es posible. Me siento de esta manera muchas más, por alguna  razón indescriptible, cuando estoy con un cierto hombre que me gusta mucho. Soy tan feliz... casi demasiado feliz. Tengo miedo de ser demasiada emocionada. Pero, esta vez siento que ser valiente es vale la pena.

Que cómico. Por alguna razón, estoy más dispuesta a escribir sobre mi vida amorosa en español...

Digital Health Commons

Are larger health institutions and hospitals capable of supporting a digital health commons?

Last Thursday, I attended a Stanford Medicine X meetup with Teresa "On Peer-to-Peer Healthcare and Human Centered Design." The speaker, Sean Ahrens, a down-to-earth guy that spoke to the audience on a beanbag chair, beer in hand, spoke on how public good can be created with the advent of an online community that allows truly shared health data (a digital health commons).

Sean talked about his website, Crohnology, which serves patients diagnosed with Crohn's disease, a chronic condition with no cure. Inflammation can occur anywhere within the digestive system, taking a huge toll on a patient's quality of life. Sean developed a website in many ways reminiscent of sites like Livestrong and Weight Watchers because it builds a community where people can talk about their health progress, share information, and motivate each other. However, the site also serves a broader public good: it accumulates health data that contributes to research for, at the very least, quality of life management. If you want to think with a little more grandeur, it may one day help researchers find a cure for Crohn's. I was most impressed with the intuitiveness of patient journals - they report on how they are feeling in their journal on a scale of 0 to 100. This perceived health would then be charted against the diet, medications, supplements, and lifestyle changes they report to manage their disease. Patients can look at their own data over time and see how that compares with other people who have Crohn's.

Ultimately, the goal is to build a "Patient-Powered Research Network." Sean shared his struggles with creating Crohnology - he journeyed from trying to make a business out of his patient-powered research network to realizing that monetizing the site didn't align with his personal values. But if there is no return on investment, funding and support for the site is extremely difficult to find. Currently, Crohnology is kept alive with the help of the Patient-Centered Outcomes Research Institute (PCORI).

Key issues for this type of platform include:
1. Funding: How do you keep true to your philanthropic goals without selling yourself out? The website needs to be supported monetarily.
2. Open Access: How do you maintain open access and protect privacy?
3. Integration: Can data be shared between other information sources? For example, health data from Fitbit?

I thought that the challenges presented here were particularly interesting because the idea of "patient powered" research seems erroneous. Scientists would be skeptical in the validity of this research because of the sheer amount of subjectivity and myriad confounding variables (McKenna 2011). However, more and more, patient-reported outcomes (PROs) are becoming a valid research model - because a patient's happiness, outlook, and support group correlates with survival (Kyte 2013). I would argue that the more data they can obtain over a specific population, the more we could try to deduce and intrepret. Traditionally, we look at PROs with questionnaires that calculate an outcome measure on a scale or a score so it is less subjective and mores scientific. 

The key to creating a digital health commons, however, is giving patients the tools and the guidelines for them to look at their health objectively. In Crohnology's case, the system--a perceived health rating scale alongside other tools for recording objective data and the potential to add in data from other sources like wearable devices--is simple enough for patients to understand and comprehensive enough for self-awareness development.

In thinking about some of the problems Sean was dealing with, I thought about the potential of the VisionTree platform my team is working on implementing with Dr. Damato and Dr. Dunn. The cloud-based platform stores clinical information from existing EHR and creates a portal for patients to log in and answer questionnaires--thus creating a central space for data analytics to take place between PROs and clinical outcomes. Our main goal, ergo, is to enable research in PROs, based on validated psychometric and psychosocial measures. But a platform for patients to simply log in and fill in questionnaires seems too limited in scope.

What if we built in a forum or an analogous health data commons within VisionTree? UCSF patients could have a single portal where they learn about their disease and look at their medical records and images, fill in questionnaires for the hospital's own research, and provide a personal account of their own outcomes, thoughts, and feelings. Provided a patient was willing to volunteer their anonymous personal data via informed consent, they could freely participate in the data commons and learn about how other anonymous patients are dealing with their issues. Patients could then build a community within VisionTree that doctors could also see - enabling unprecedented feedback and understanding of their patients.

However, I foresee plenty of things wrong with this idea.

1. Institutional protection of data and lack of open access to other people outside of the community may conflict with the values of a truly "shared" community. This could create an "Uber" of the health industry.
2. Privacy concerns are always present. Although a patient signs informed consent, it does not mean they will always know how to manage their anonymity on the internet. This is an inherent "internet of things" problem.
3. A radically different relationship between doctors and patients could develop as patients will naturally discuss their misgivings about the care they receive from the healthcare institutions. This could have a negative impact on the economic incentive of the institution enabling a Data Commons within the platform. Antagonism may be inherent in this kind of community. On the other hand, this would encourage hospitals and providers to become more patient-centric.
4. A lot of developer work and maintenance is required. A large commission would be needed to develop a platform and maintain it. As mentioned, funding is very difficult to obtain because, in general, the return on investment for obtaining patient-reported outcomes data is uncertain. The trade-off, of course, is the sheer amount of subjective data we could obtain in conjunction with the objective data collected in the clinics, including medical images, tumor sizes, genetic factors, visual acuity, etc. But thinking of the kinds of questions we could answer from a research funding standpoint is a whole new ballpark.

So is this a feasible idea? Is it better to leave digital health commons to more separate entities, subject to altruistic funding? Or would institutions be willing to take on the potential challenges associated with hosting a platform?

I don't really know much about the landscape from a clinical or logistics standpoint - I am mostly, out of curiosity, laying out my thoughts and wanted to bounce it off of someone.

References:
1. Stanford Medicine X <https://medicinex.stanford.edu>
2. Crohnology <https://crohnology.com/>
3. Patient-Centered Outcomes Research Institute <http://www.pcori.org/about-us>
4. Measuring patient-reported outcomes: moving beyond misplaced common sense to hard science. Opinion. McKenna, Stephen. doi:10.1186/1741-7015-9-86 <http://www.biomedcentral.com/1741-7015/9/86>
5. Patient-reported outcomes helped predict survival in multiple myeloma using partial least squares analysis. Kyte, Derek. doi:10.0001/jama.2013.277222 <http://jama.jamanetwork.com/article.aspx?articleid=1741830>
6. VisionTree Software, Inc. <http://www.visiontree.com/>

New Projects, New Pivots

Currently Listening: Assassin's Tango (John Powell)
Currently Reading: I, Robot

View from my Wednesday office!

Yesterday, I got hired for another project at UCSF in the Department of Physiological Nursing, involving a pivot in my specialization. I always just assumed health tech and databases were just a side interest - something I'd continue knowing a bit about because of my degree (Master of Translational Medicine) and tech savvy. However, it turns out, employers were always most intrigued with the computing skills and education on my CV (C++, SQL, MATLAB, etc). Of course I had to study all of this for my engineering degree and I'm by no means any expert nor am I very good/fluent but I'd never been very passionate about healthcare IT anyway. Its impact felt more indirect compared to the patient interaction I was seeking in clinical research. However, I'm sort of falling into it as a natural progression. Healthcare IT is prevalent across all aspects of medicine and, in my case, clinical research is supplanted by data and there is certainly a lot of it.

I started out at UCSF in a team that is implementing a new cloud-based platform. It would act as both a patient data registry and a portal for patients to log in, learn about their disease (mostly ocular melanoma or retinablastoma), and answer questionnaires that would enable research in PROMs (patient-reported outcome measures). From a technical standpoint, it hasn't been that difficult working with the tech vendor since they are doing all the development work. My job has mainly been to coordinate everything, from patient recruitment to platform evaluation to mapping data input between our existing EHRs (electronic health records) and the new platform. It has allowed me the freedom to practice a little bit of project management and people skills, working between the different facets of translational medicine (industry, academia, clinics, patients), while remaining patient-driven and focused on creating integrated care in Ocular Oncology practice.

The new group I will work with in late December already has an existing SQL database in a later stage of development. They have a lot of data that is dynamic - such as that found in physiological monitoring systems like EKGs or pulse oximetry. This complex data needs to be pooled, analyzed, and interpreted, which is where the PI was hoping to create a role for me. The group is working on very interesting problems in critical care and neurology, which I think will help me in my long winded path towards neurological rehabilitation. :D This project's a lot more technical and very challenging, in a different way from my position in the ophthalmology department. However, I'm excited to refine a skillset that will obviously come in very handy in the future.  The Bay Area is still a growing hub for digital technology; I'm even going to a networking event tomorrow on digital health technology!

Cheers to the future! Research is fun!

Bonito

Currently Listening: Sunshine (Flight Facilities ft Reggie Watts), All For The Taking (Meanwhile OST)
Currently Reading: I, Robot (Isaac Asimov, 1950)

Tratando de investigar un par de buenas canciones en español para estudiar y encontré un buen sitio (A Quick Guide..). Necesito tratar algunos más porque no me gusta el ritmo de algunos de ellos. Oído "Bonito" y "Tortura" cuando estudié español en la escuela secundaria. Bonito es una canción tan divertido, así que estoy empezando con eso. La canción habla de la belleza que se pueden encontrar en la vida y que, en general, lo bueno supera a lo malo. Mi frase favorita es "Que bonito que te va cuando te va bonito" (how beautiful things can be, when you let them be beautiful). Buena canción para un día de lluvia :)

Yo también considerando la posibilidad de leer (una vez más) un libro favorito - "El Alquimista" en español. Pero podría tratar de hace demasiado, muy temprano. ¡Se me sigue olvidando a jugar Duolingo! Ugh. Necesito un rutina ... Tratando estudiar español es difícil.

Aquí están algunos modismos fresco para el estudio: 15 Common Idioms For Sounding Like a Native.

En el trabajo a UCSF, existe la posibilidad voy a trabajar en un segundo proyecto - muy interesado en trabajar con un médico que está interesado en los datos fisiológicos y interfaz de la máquina cerebro. Podría ser muy impresionante trabajar con él. Además, la perspectiva de un ingreso adicional es agradable.

Mi vida está bien en este momento. Estoy muy ocupada con mi trabajo y la vida social y mi vida es gratificante, mas o menos. Me quedo con las dos partes (aunque mi calidad de sueño no es muy buena). Es difícil, a veces, para mantenerse en contacto y ser el mejor amiga que puedo ser. Pero me siento muy bendecida porque mis amigos son muy empáticos. Además, se siente muy bonito que hay un hombre en mi vida, que también está muy ocupado - pero tratamos de hacer que el tiempo para ver el uno al otro. Él es impresionante .. Sentio el "barrer de mis pies" empazando a ocurrir ... Gah !! SENTIMIENTOS ..:3

Journalism

Currently Listening: Bonito (Jarabe de Palo), Ai Wo Bie Zou (Chang Chen-Yue)

I wish I was better at reporting things and telling stories. When I was at the Exploratorium yesterday

with Teresa, we followed Paul Salazar's stargazing tour (using his amazing green laser pointer oft used by astronomists). He spoke about the stars so eloquently and so passionately, it made me realize how lackluster my expertise is in various areas of my life.

Therefore, I've made it my goal to start writing in this bog in a more journalistic fashion. It is difficult to blog about real topics outside of my emotions/thoughts/goals. There are only so many posts that I can write about that are relevant to my goals and career before it gets tiresome.

Being more of a journalist will help me articulate what I know better and force me to research in more detail the things I would like to be an expert in. Maybe one day I can apply to write for Synapse, UCSF's newspaper!

I'll start with a list of things I'll have to force myself to write about:

• Health tech, Cloud computing (What is it? How are we leaning that direction?)
• Health tech, Economic impact (Does health tech save the healtchare industry money or is it just another bleed?)
• Various meteor showers each year (What are the best ones to watch? Where should you go? How to prepare?)
• Ultimate fris culture (Why can't it be a pro sport?)
• Rehabilitation engineering (What is it? Why is it important?)
• Eye cancer, an orphan disease (What types exist? How rare is it? Why does it occur?)

Miss Galaxy's First Concert

Currently Listening: Mastermind, Do You Remember (Deltron 3030)

Last night, I was at the San Francisco Mezzanine for a concert titled "Scratch and Surf" featuring

You know what's great?
Rocking a crazy wig because you can.

Deltron 3030. They are an alternative hip hop group comprised of "Del the Funky Homosapien", "Dan the Automator", and "Kid Koala." Interestingly enough, it was the first music concert I'd ever been to (aside from orchestral shows, etc) and it also happened to be a fundraiser for "Surf For Life." The Surf For Life staff projected a surfing video promoting their charitable activities and mission before the main event, which was pretty cool. I'm glad my first concert was a charity event. (I also wish I knew how to surf...)

I suppose not many people know that I'm a bit of a hipster when it comes to hip hop... I had a phase back in the day where I listened to a lot of 'underground' stuff because of Samurai Champloo/Nujabes. So I guess my 'eclectic' taste in music has led me to a lot of great beats and Deltron 3030 is no exception. I just like to get funky funky funky

One thing I looked forward to at the concert was the opportunity to enjoy live music--really enjoy it. Having never been to a concert, I'd only heard of what a fun experience it is to be immersed in the music. With rap/hip hop concerts, especially, everything is very lyric and rhyme-centric surrounded by good beats and sound creation. Golden Age, the opening performance, was very good at getting the crowd involved and getting creative with his songs. Do Dat and Malicious Lee performed many lyrically powerful songs.

When Deltron 3030 finally came on, we were well-primed for what was in store. Lyrically, Del's rhymes were always on point, futuristic, and intelligent. Del didn't have the sort of stage presence of Golden Age but he makes up for it with his skill, which is key (definitely key!). The surrounding talent, Dan the Automator, who was basically drunk on the Giants' World Series championship, brought a lot of life and humor to the concert. His automator is also really bemusing. (We gotta have champaigne on stage. Let's go Giants!) And finally, they took a scratch break to highlight Kid Koala - sickkkkkk DJ. One of my favorite parts... for various reasons.

Anyways, at the end of the concert (after Deltron's encore performances of "Do You Remember" and "Clint Eastwood (Gorillaz)"), my new friends told me that, for my first concert ever, the bar has been set very high for future concerts. For one thing, the venue was not very crowded (I presume because the Giants world series was on and because they are more alternative/underground) and, overall, the venue was just really nice. Also, I had good company. My ears were ringing afterwards but I was so glad for the spontaneous invite.

 Bottom line: best. concert. experience. ever.

Meep thanks to this dangerous guy for inviting me <3

Favorites:

1. Kid Koala's scratch interlude :)
2. Gorillaz - Clint Eastwood (Deltron 3030 cover)
3. Deltron 3030 - Positive Contact

4. Deltron 3030 - Do You Remember

5. Golden Age (Do Dat & Malicious Lee) - Growth

6. Deltron 3030 - 3030

It was so hard to find the songs from Golden Age since they are relatively unknown. But I found a link to their bandcamp.com!

Sentimientos

Día numero uno de Duolingo: "No estoy borracha, sólo intoxicado por ti."

Casi no te conozco, pero me caes bien. Te vi en una fiesta y encontré tus ojos. No sé si tu se sentía el mismo pero yo quería conocerte mejor. Estoy frustrada porque tengo estos sentimientos. Esperando que me gustaría. Leo tus acciones. Malintrepreto tus acciones. Prefiero seguir confundida a tener la certeza de que no te gusto. Quiero hablar con usted más, pero yo no quiero asustarte. Usted es inteligente, motivado, y tienes el buen gusto musical - la combinación perfecta de "nerdy" y "badass." ¿Por qué eres tan perfecto?

Le sigh.

New Content

Currently Listening: http://www.noonpacific.com/

"When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves."

It's been a very transitional past couple of weeks so I've been holding off on my weekly blogging goal. It's taken quite an effort to climb out of my funk. Life has gone from starting a new job to adjusting to the social implications of said job to restarting hobbies.

Recently, I conversed with a friend who rightly said that it takes more effort to "make things happen" when you start working. As a result, I've come up with a set of goals (and their respective sub-goals) to focus on for the next few months.

1. Reach a working fluency in Spanish. 

• Hold a conversation with Sofia entirely in Spanish by February (maybe visit her in Mexico City this winter break)
• Write every other blog post in Spanish (I will probably end up writing it in English, then using Google Translate extensively to translate it haha)
• Reach a Duolingo 100 day streak
• Learn to sing 5 new Spanish songs

2. Take up Mandarin again.

• Learn to sing 5 new Chinese songs by the end of February (one song per month)

3. Start swimming for fitness.

• Obtain a UCSF gym membership by November
• Be able to swim 10 laps without stopping

4. SEE AN ORTHOPEDIST.

• Set an appointment, get MRI, get a diagnosis. Seriously. Stop putting it off.

5. Become a sci-fi geek.

• Read 10 new books from the NPR "Your Picks: Top 100 Science-Fiction, Fantasy Books" (2 new books every month)
• Watch the old Star Trek series!

6. Reach Silver on League of Legends. (HAHA yes, I did just make that an official goal.)

These should keep me busy for a while! :)

Check out this awesome view from my office on Wednesday afternoons!

My friend is subletting a place on Panoramic Hill. And the view is also amazing...

Tried to go see NASA with Stellina. But we failed to get past all the parking traffic. :( Had a fun time hanging out with South Bay friends, though! Yay!

Mothers & Fathers

My mom's birthday passed last week but I didn't get to see her because she went home to the Philippines. On the day she was supposed to celebrate being brought into this world by her own mother, my mom had to take time off to deal with the loss of her mother, my grandma. She was already in her 90s, which is an age most people are lucky to reach, and had many of the health issues associated with senility. In some capacity, my mom was prepared for the loss as part of the circle of life. But still. My mom has spent more than 25 years in the USA, returning to the Philippines only on occasion.

In addition, the father of a friend/sister to me passed away. He was middle-aged - so it definitely felt more of a life cut too short. My friend was very close to her father and she was very much inspired by him - which, coupled with hard work, talent, and a bit of luck, culminated in the success she's had in her career thus far. She was in New York when she heard the news.

An overarching theme surrounding death has always been a sense of "lost time." My mom was in the USA when she heard the news of her last living parent. My friend was on the opposite coast. I never really realized how profound of an impact it had to not be present during a loved one's last dying breath. It's as if any chance you could have had for closure is stolen away from you; no matter how "prepared" you think you are, it's still all too sudden and all too much. The only comfort you really have is the last time you saw him or her; and even that can be a distant memory if you don't make sure to treasure it.

We never really treasure our time with our parents. We spend the first quarter of our life living in dependence of them and taking it for granted because that's all we've ever known. Eventually we become independent and we begin to live our own lives - find a significant other, more friends... We expect them to be there when we eventually have children of our own because they've told us all our lives "When you have kids..." or "I'll take care of your kids for you..." So I guess the cliche holds true. We should really try and treat every moment as if it's our last.

Path to my First Job

During my job search, I'd heard descriptions such as green, inexperienced, eager, enthusiastic. I'm young with limited industrial experience, coming from a loosely connected educational path. From community college to chemical engineering with a minor in bioengineering to translational medicine to clinical research? And I also studied in Hong Kong for three years? It's certainly no straight shot career path.

All in all, I've learned a lot from each step of the way.


Community College

When I was a high school senior, my parents' combined income suddenly hit zero, and suddenly a four-year college seemed impractical when financial aid offices thought I was still from a lower middle class family. So I decided to go to community college; there, I learned a bit about supporting myself and aiming for the stars. I was the smart cookie but my perspective broadened. Smart people are everywhere; it's life circumstances that differentiate us on the societal scale.

It's not about the cards you've been dealt, it's how you play your hand.


Bachelor of Engineering

After my 2-year stint in community college, I went to Hong Kong with a scholarship and pursued my B.Eng in Chemical and Bioproduct Engineering.

Fun fact: Chemical engineering is not math, physics, and chemistry combined, at least where I studied it. It's actually a whole beast of its own, playing with more open than closed systems, heavy computational power, and chemical manufacturing processes. If you want to make millions in the oil/chemicals industry, then study this. If not, I'd investigate the program more to see if it's really what you want... If I had wanted math, physics, and chemistry combined, I should have pursued biophysics. Then I would have fulfilled my desire to dive into theory.

However, engineering did teach me many invaluable things. For example:

• Approach a problem through a systems framework by piecing together specifications, known and unknown variables, relationships (equations), and goals. 
• Always look to innovate and optimize processes/products - this is the ultimate job of the engineer.
• I learned how to work in a team and manage relationships with supervisors and teammates.
• Make smart decisions from a business perspective. Are products easily integrated into current markets or processes? Or, do you intend to be a disruptive technology - in which case, how will you go about transforming existing trends so that your technology or product is adopted?
• Think outside of the box. Or draw a bigger box. (Life is an open system, after all!)

Hong Kong, needless to say, overwhelmed me with lessons on independence, adaptation, time
management, and interpersonal skills. I always felt like I was behind the curve, so to speak. But I worked hard to overcome many of my weaknesses. Undergraduate education was a very exploratory part of my life - where I was unknowingly trying to discover who I was, what I was good at, and what kept me motivated. I had a keen interest and ability in almost everything I did but when things became difficult, be it schoolwork, financial, or social, I would fall out and fail to follow through.

During this time, I was also in a long distance relationship with a nice guy back home. That relationship kept me grounded and also kept me ambitious at the same time. He validated me and my dreams and it was awesome but at some point we, cliche as it is, somehow got too comfortable and that suppressed personal growth on both our parts.


Master's Degree

After getting my B.Eng and leaving HK with limited success, I entered a selective master's program, which I felt would teach me everything I needed to know to enter the professional world of biotech and translational medicine.

I came in with a few goals in mind. I was going to connect the dots of my seemingly disjointed career path and, therefore, find what I really wanted in my next career steps.

Professionally, some career-related observations I made were the following:

• I loved working with people
• I enjoyed challenge and cross-functional projects, which is what is appealing about research
• I like working on many projects and thrive in the start-up phase of projects
• I want a career in healthcare and biomedical innovation

In the end, I knew I wanted to begin my career in clinical research. And pursue a doctorate after five years.


A Crash Course in Personal Growth

Midway through my master's, my boyfriend and I broke up. And, I'll be Captain Obvious here, but my life really seemed to change from that point.

For years while I was in a relationship, I had been comfortable. My main problem had been that my attention was constantly focused outward... on my significant other... on the validation received and not received from my S.O. or friends or family... on outward signs of achievement. That is like building your house on sand. Yes, in many ways, I had always been pushing myself outside of my comfort zone but my attention was not focused on myself: inward for strength and change.

I approached life after the breakup not hating or blaming my boyfriend for breaking up with me - I loved him, and out of love, I was forced to examine myself. I realized that I was severely lacking in emotional maturity and still acted on traumas accrued from my childhood and former friendships/relationships. I had a strong desire to change for the better so that the best possible outcome could be achieved and I ended up going to counseling/therapy (a free service provided to Cal students).

Through counseling, I developed my own process for gaining the surety and confidence that I needed:

1. Admit I am way too self-critical, to a paralyzing extent
2. Practice self-compassion
3. Identify my own value and love myself (self-understanding)
4. Love others
5. Re-evaluate and ensure my inner values match my actions
6. Pursue change or improvement where necessary
7. Repeat steps where necessary

The important thing about "lifelong learning" is that you develop a habit for change - extending out to career goals as well as personal goals. We should be content with our lives without being comfortable. We should be happy with our lives without losing hunger.

The Hunt

"Don't forget to be awesome." That is a good slogan - not because it is easy but because it is hard. Being awesome requires constant vigilance. (Hank from vlogbrothers)

The past few months during "The Hunt" put everything I learned to the test. The lessons went from playing my hand right to engineering problem solving and persistence circling back to my ideas for a career to confidence. It was stressful. There was uncertainty and fear. There were moments where I wanted to take steps backward or give up. There were moments where I doubted my optimism would last me... I was financially at my wit's end.

But here I am now. I've got all this education, training, and now, confidence. I know who I am, what I want, and how to attain it.

And at this juncture in life, I'm proud to say that I've accepted a job offer as a Clinical Research Coordinator at UCSF in the Department of Ophthalmology, Ocular Oncology.

I am officially the new kid on the block.

(Official "Career" labeled post will be made once I get the official letter and start date.)

The First Job Offer!

Currently Listening: I Wanna Dance With Somebody, How Will I Know (Whitney Houston)
Movies Watched: Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993)

Note to Self: NEVER drink anything caffeinated after 10am.

After 2.5 months, I finally got a job offer! For a position (clinical research coordinator) that I think will be very rewarding during my early stage career path. And I'd be managing a project that would be very interesting, with huge clinical implications for the UCSF system. The position starts out part time while the major grants are being written but is expected to expand to full time soon.

During the job hunt, I've been blessed with experiencing the highs and lows, the blunders and achievements, of "the search." And now that I'm in phase III, I feel very blessed to have gone through this. It was stressful (it still is) but now that there's something on the table, a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. The stressors related to being poor now appear to have an end.

My interviewer, who was the doctor I would work under, offered me this job on the spot. It was only the first interview, so I was pretty blindsided by the offer. However, I did feel very valued because of that and both he and the second interviewer graciously acknowledged that I would need time to make my decision. He also seems like an amazing person to work with - a visionary, a great mentor, and is extremely well-respected.

Right now I still have some decision-making to do because I'm still waiting to hear back from another department - I will write about the decision process in a later post once I officially move forward with something. To help with the process, I've been speaking to people whose opinions I value and a former teammate of mine told me to rank the things I personally look for in a first job. Then I can evaluate each opportunity based on what's important to me. So here goes.

Ranking essential aspects of a potential first job:

1) Experience: My number one goal is to gain transferable project management skills involving different kinds of people (clinicians, patients, academics, industry). This means further developing organizational and planning skills as well as consistent follow-through and execution. Secondary to that, I'd like to refine my interpersonal and presentation skills, be able to write grants, co-author or author a few publications, and become very well-versed in clinical research development (protocol, IRB, regulatory affairs, etc.). I would also like something to "show off" - something tangible that I can be very proud of.

2) Compensation: I've got bills to pay and my mouth to feed and things to save up for! But I'm not looking to make bank yet. I'm just looking to survive, pay back my student loans, live comfortably, and have enough to help out my siblings and parents.

3) Mentorship: I would like to find others whose career path or personality I can model myself after, who are as equally invested in my career as I am in supporting theirs. Whether it's vision, influence, or competency, mentorship would take me very far in terms of personal and professional development.

4) Alignment with scientific interests: I obviously have been pursuing fitness and sports for a very long time and I would really love to work in a field that has neurological applications - specifically, movement disorders and neurological rehabilitation. However, my past experience is most relevant to biomaterials and pharma/oncology.

Stay tuned!