Tahoe with the BEASTs

Do you think I'm cool yet?

Tahoe was probably the best experience I've had all year... though I did spend ungodly amounts of money on this ski/snowboarding trip.

Emotionally, this was a huge step for me. There was hardly any service (curses T-mobile!) at the cabin and I was learning to detach myself from my old life. I was focused on bonding with the people closest to me and improving on the snowboard.

By the end of the day, I had fallen more times than I could count but I never felt discouraged. I kind of see it at rather analogous with life and taking on new challenges in general. Snowboarding has a pretty steep learning curve but apparently there's supposed to be a "magical moment" where "linking turns" just clicks. I'm going to get it next time around. My goal is to buy a season pass when I'm in Chicago and make that my hobby! I shall conquer my fear!!!

On the way home from the trip, I chatted with the other BioE students about futures and what put us on our paths in life - how our 20s are really for self-discovery and change and chasing after dreams. It was such a reminder of the person I once was about two years ago. Maybe about a year ago, I entered a bad place -  I was so comfortable with the way life was and I was scared about my future that I clung too hard to the certain things in my life. In a sense, I was lost without knowing I was lost.

Everything changed two months ago. I was starting to make my way into a better place and then... I lost something really special to me. It was a kicker for me. I had to make myself a better person and wake up because I could end up losing out on important things again in the future.

Interestingly, my friend caught me when I said "I suck at this game" (Cards Against Humanity). He told me, "Why do you say that? You shouldn't say that, don't put yourself down." I looked at him incredulously since I had never mentioned to him how hard I was trying to fight my self-depreciation habits and laughed nervously saying "you seem so serious..." He was a bit hard to read but he said , "No, but I am! You shouldn't put yourself down. What matters is you have fun while you play with us." I know it was just a game - but the truth was, putting myself down in little things is exactly what makes it so easy to put myself down for bigger things.

I finally feel like I'm making progress towards a happy place. I started making baby steps one direction--it was painful and uncertain--and while I was walking towards there, I kept looking back, thinking that there was some way I could fix it and run back. At every step it felt like I was going nowhere and at times I would take a step back. But there was no point in all of that. So after cycling through the 5 stages of grief ten bajillion times, I just couldn't look back anymore. I guess I sort of looked at Tahoe, where I was with my good friends and at a place where I would be relatively disconnected from social media and the world at large, to kickstart my way to a better me. And the truth was - I was able to live my life happily and perfectly okay with myself.

I think I'm starting to come to terms with the uncertainty of the future and that I'm okay with maintaining that sliver of hope in the meanwhile. It's my choice, I guess, and I'm okay with that. Now I need to make sure that I won't be disappointed in the end. I think that I'll be okay if nothing happens and if one day I find that all is lost. I am okay and at peace with the idea that we are merely "open to the possibilities" and if there is nothing, then okay. The only way I can find this peace is if I truly start to love myself and, plain and simple, just be awesome.

Active Lifestyles!

The Color Run was a huge success! I am so happy that I decide to go and help out organizing it. It was so great spending time with some amazing people and bonding over the strangeness that is throwing colored cornstarch all over each other. That's pretty weird. It's kind of weird because the best thing about the run... was probably the pictures. Anything else was secondary. Throwing cornstarch? I mean, that's cool and all, and breathing it in was an excellent bonding experience, but nothing beats the ridiculousness of how we all looked. Hah. Here are some of my favorite pictures from the experience:

Next up, Tahoe! I am absolutely excited for this weekend that I can't seem to contain it. I bought a really awesome jacket that I am basically in love with. I also bought snow pants. Expensive but I guess it's worth the investment since I plan on living it up and having fun for once in my life once I get a job. The Northface jacket was originally $280 and was marked down to $195.63 in the store minus an extra 25% off because it was a clearance item and an extra 10% (total 35%) because there was a pen marking found inside. That amounted to about $139 once tax was factored in. Truth be told, I will probably be purchasing a new snowboarding/winter jacket at some point in the future because it isn't IDEAL for the slopes nor does the length suffice for extremely frigid temperatures (or so I've heard that you need longer jackets for best warmth for your dollar) but I chose this because it was stylish and beautiful! And I can wear it in Chicago for those very reasons. *glee*

Finally, I've been training for Bay to Breakers! I can now run 3 miles straight and feel like it's not that difficult of a work out... I remember a few months ago it was almost impossible for me to do one mile. I'm slowly working my way towards 7 miles but MAN. It's tough. But I'm excited. And I need to start researching how to make an outfit that's representative of my graduation attire (since I'm doing the Berkeley commencement on the same day).

The job hunt keeps leading me in circles but I've sent so many resumes, I don't even know any more. I have a feeling my best bet for finding a job in Chicago is going to be throwing myself into my volunteer job at the CRC. Chicago seems to be hiring tons of clinical research coordinators and I don't mind doing this kind of work because it is well on the interface between medical science and the clinics. In the meantime, I would study more and develop skills such as programming on the side so I can eventually make my transition back to SoCal much easier.

Alright - gotta close now! I have a vaccinology midterm tomorrow!

March Madness!

Thank you, life, for teaching me what the term "March madness" means.

I kid. I don't mean NCAA March madness. But this week has just been plain crazy. [An aside on basketball: I went to another nail biting Cal game vs Colorado (I seem to have a penchant for going to really close, exciting games. My first NBA game was OKC @ Warriors and my first Pac-12 game was Arizona @ Cal.) to secure the 4th seed in the Pac-12 tournament! Cal will face off with Colorado again to try and make it to the NCAA. I hope they make it! That would really cap off a great year at Cal for me.]

Emotional events aside, I realized that I suddenly have a lot to do. Kinda stressful. Kinda cortisol-ful...There has been a lot of lab. Almost everyday with a new side project my company is working on. But I'm happy to work hard since we might get a publication out of it. So that's exciting! Our other capstone work is kind of on hold since we're waiting on some regulatory approval.

Then there's my new volunteer job, which I am dedicating a full day to tomorrow. Yikes! And I will probably stay longer because traffic is going to be stupid across the Bay Bridge. 8:30am - 7pm in San Francisco...

Then there's my classes: I have a pretty interesting project for strategic management (I just had a midterm today) but it's a lot of work, a lot of site visits, a lot of interviews, and a lot of research. The class has a lot of interesting readings but readings are still readings. And I have a lot to study for with a midterm coming up in Vaccinology next week (freaking out about that one). There's also a final report for one of my classes that just ended at UCSF. And then there's this really annoyingly tedious-yet-still useful-so-fine-I'll-do-it engineering leadership class with weekly case readings and homework assignments.

The plus side of all this craziness is a "work hard, play hard" scenario. I've been going to the gym a lot and several of my friends have noticed that I've lost a lot of weight and slimmed down. That's exciting and good for my confidence. It's nice that people can see the results of my hard work at the gym and self-discipline in my eating habits. I also just think it's the way I carry myself now... but anyways.

The Color Run is this Saturday and I am pumped! Just bought some cool wayfarer sunglasses on Amazon to fit our "Mighty Morphin Powder Rangers" theme and our friend PJ bought some white sweatbands. It's gonna be awwwshum! Still have to buy knee high white socks and, as per usual, a disposable water-proof camera!

The weekend after is Tahoe with Spicy Cilantro and the other BioE PhDs! I haven't gone snowboarding since 2012 when I went with Hieu, so this should be interesting. I hope my knee can hold up but I'm pretty confident I'm gonna get the hang of the board this time- as long as I don't injure myself (knock on wood).

Shortly after Tahoe, I'll head down to SoCal to finally spend time with the family. And maybe watch some Reduced Shakespeare (if I can afford it, that is...).

Updates on all this stuff later! With all this business, I haven't had time to start on the puzzle I bought for my "free time." Hah..

New Volunteer Job

The Phase I Clinical Trials clinic at UCSF Mt. Zion has an amazing group of people and I'll be volunteering there for the rest of the semester! Unfortunately, the first week of volunteering consists of cooping myself up in my own cubicle doing new employee/safety training. But I know that I love the people and they are all crazy intelligent in both interpersonal and logical ways. It seems this workplace strikes a nice balance between being casual and being very serious about their jobs--not to mention with new investigational drugs, there is so much potential to actually make a difference. I can't wait to see where this takes me - my supervisor is really letting me have the freedom to make something out of it.

A lot of new changes in my life are occurring--mostly internally, but externally as well. By thinking positively and stopping myself when I am being self-critical, I carry more confidence. With more confidence, it feels like people talk to me more and seek my company. I think I was always scared in the past to externalize who I am. I never really embraced my own qualities - good or bad. And then life slapped me in the face and told me that I was wasting energy on self-criticism and beating myself up for things that I clearly just imagined in my head - it's just a really bad use of mental and emotional resource and has repercussions that could fill you with regret for the rest of your life. Fight club, anybody?

Gonna end this academic year with greatness! And hopefully blog more.... but you know, gotta live my life.

Color Run, Tahoe, Bay to Breakers, Cal Day, and much more to come!

23

Phew, time is moving quickly. What is there to blog about?

Oh yes, the list of things that makes me happy...

1) Friends
2) An active lifestyle (running, sports, anything that will tire my body out basically)
3) Meeting new people and learning from them what they have to offer (a.k.a. travel!)
4) Feeling like I made a difference in someone's life

I can't think of much else right now.

Life's been so busy, but good. And I'm nearing the end of my program! Why is time moving so fast? I feel like I barely got comfortable with all my new friends and lifestyle. But it's time to grow, guys. It's always time to grow.

What makes you happy?

What if you boiled down all of the things you think will make you "happy"? Would there be a universal theme to them? I think I'm going to come up with a list of things and see.

Sorry, I've been MIA.

Okay, it's time to bite the bullet, forget the writer's block, and finally update my blog. I feel like there hasn't really been much to talk about since I've been taking a pretty minimalist approach to life. But I think this will be a good place to keep track of my goals and current life ideologies.

1) "Spending less" is becoming a big part of my life in Berkeley. It was a big part in Hong Kong, too, but it's more significant now because I don't have income from tutoring part-time and because I now have student loans looming beyond the horizon. Luckily, I've become more and more minimalist (something I've taken away from living abroad and having to live a more mobile lifestyle) and it isn't that difficult to decide that I can't afford one thing if it means sacrificing another. (A trip home versus a new dress, for example.)

2) Decisiveness. I think this is the most important thing I am learning, especially as it applies to my job search and my future. I had a conversation with an old friend who conveyed to me:

• One way to success is to choose a path and stick with it--don't get so tangled up in the things that everyone else tells you.
• You can always create your own happiness.
• You'll never know if the other paths you could have taken were better.

Stop Worrying About Making the Right Decision

In my opinion, those idea-isms by themselves are enough to bring you your own definition of success.

In the past, I never really saw decisiveness as a good quality. I was afraid that you would miss something by being too tunnel-visioned or blindsided by one thing. However, I think I confused decisiveness with stubbornness. Decisiveness contains elements of adaptation and diligence while stubbornness contains elements of resistance and persistence. Decisiveness is understanding the time you should take considering your options. Decisiveness is realizing that all your options will contain all sorts of benefits, struggles, and failures. Decisiveness is knowing that you'll never truly know what was on the other side of the fence and being at peace with that.


3) People. When I said "create your own happinesss," the major condition was that you surround yourself with people that you love and that make you a better person. The focus on ambition and career these days is such a smokescreen for the stuff you are really supposed to care about. Money and personal achievement surely go a long way on Maslow's heirarchy but in the end, assuming you weren't blinded by the selfish pursuit of glory and things, wasn't that climb all about making money to improve the quality of life of your loved ones/potential spouses/future children?

• I try a little harder (really, I'm kind of terrible at this stuff) to be closer to my parents because I know that one day they might not be there for me. I lament all the times I might've been mean to them and I emotionally try to work through all of the grudges I may have developed over the years. I motivate my job search by seeing a future where I can afford to replace my dad's cell phone when it breaks or buy my mom a ticket to visit family in Philippines or help make payments on the house.
• More and more I am trying to keep in contact with friends I trust and care about--even if they're all the way in Chicago, Boston, back at home, or two cities away. I am by no means perfect and I still fail when it comes to responding to text/FB messages or reaching out to old friends. But I'm not going to give up. Contrary to what I've been led to believe, keeping important people in your life really takes effort. Especially at this stage of personal and community development. There are so many people I care about!

I truly apologize if I've been MIA from your lives and if you've felt sad/bitter about it. Maybe it's too excessive to reach out when I don't really need to but then again would that mean you become just a "convenient friend"? My hope is that no one would feel that way. When you think of me as a friend, I'd hope for it to mean shared memories, a sense of belonging, and a readily available ear in times of distress or joy. I really hope you know that you're still important to me even as time moves on.