Sensory Input

Currently Listening: Michael Jackson!
Currently Reading: Freakonomics (Stephen J. Dubner, Steven D. Levitt)
Queued Reading: The End of Eternity (Isaac Asimov)

Reading: I am quite certain I could probably be better about reading more but oh well. In this world of constant sensory input from social media, friends, and YouTube, I've resorted to the following:

• throwing whatever book I'm reading in my purse to take out during wait periods, while I'm walking, etc.
• reading while I'm on the elliptical or stationary bike
• reading while I'm in a coffee shop

It's weird that I can't just sit down and read in my apartment. Do I just get distracted by my alone-ness? I've no idea.

Also... why are jobs so hard to find?!

Twenty-Four

[UPDATED]

The Tonight Show Cast Party: I'm feeling 22(+2)!
August 9, 2014

A certain fabulous Elaine Su and I hosted a "Tonight Show Cast Party" and used my birthday as an excuse. It was also a hipster party. And a celebrity party. And a bad pun night party. And a lip sync battle party.

First order of business: I have to gush about the gorgeous Elaine who offered to host the party at her apartment. I don't know what I would have done without her! How can someone be so crazy smart and fashionable and pretty and a great baker and a good friend all in one? I HAVE NO IDEA but she is all that and more. She even hosted another party the next day at her apartment for which she was able to make fruit tarts and rose-lychee macarons. Yay for an awesome BioE PhD friend! <3

Okay, now that I've finished gushing.....

Clothespin Name Tags

House rules stated no shoes and you must wear a name tag. Anticipating friends from high school (at least those who happened to be in the Bay Area), from MTM, from M.Eng, and from the BioE PhD program, it was necessary to make sure the ice could instantly be broken.

What better way than to make people have bad punny gag names? This easily gives people something to talk and laugh about. 

Note: The use of clothespins was a creative take I had on hipster name tags. The use of pun names was inspired by a friend's "end of the world" party I attended in Hong Kong.

Among many others, here are some of the names that were used:

- Sarah Bellum (a nerdy science crowd favorite <3)

- Anita Mann

- Anita Job

- Alec Bond (have you met alec bond?)

- Nick Bond (do you know nick bond? io nick bond! - okay, this is a stretch... I tried...)

- Joe King

- It Sake

- Robin Banks

- Mary A. Richman

- Justin Thyme (J.T.)

- Justin Case

Attire: Hipster or Celebrity? I'm confused.

You know, I think I was a tad too ambitious about the theme. Maybe I just wanted to add more appeal by saying you could also dress up as a hipster. Or a celebrity hipster. Or I made it easy on people by telling them to dress smart casual. In any case, I'm not a stickler about themes (though I think being picky about it is necessary in some cases) - I just wanted to see people and have fun.

Note: People love dressing up as hipsters.

 

Lip Sync Battle

(Inspired by Jimmy Fallon's Tonight Show lip sync battles)

I ascribe to the idea that one should strive to:

Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching.

It's overquoted, but I think it speaks to being unabashed about who you are in all your combination of awkwardness, awesomeness, and uniqueness. For me anyway, lip syncing is a way to embrace that.

We implemented this by going around before the first round of actual battle time and asking them what they wanted to lip sync. Then, I added the lyric videos onto a youtube playlist (Round 1). I went first! Then other people (possibly inebriated) went. By popular opinion, Round 2 was implemented after a few minutes of "intermission" - during which more people signed up and re-entered.

I wish I had provided prizes on the spot. But alas - better late than never... here are my selections!

Lip Sync Battle Champions by popular vote/cheer/laughter during the contest (the ones that get bragging rights)

Slim Shady and Justin Thyme aka JT (Phillip and Eric) sealed their victories with a collaboration of The Lonely Island's (ft. Justin Timberlake) "Dick in a Box (Uncensored)"

--- Awards---

[Best Dramatic Balladeer] Mary A. Richman (Greg) takes this with his performances of "Part of Your World" from The Little Mermaid and Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You"

[Best Duo] "Let it Sync In"'s (Britta and Julea) with their sync of Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody"

[Best Syncer] Andrew with his syncs of Rebecca Black's "Friday" and Will Smith's "Getting Jiggy Wit It"

[Best Collaboration] Anisha, Hector, Julea, Britta, and Andrea as the Spice Girls for "Wannabe"

[Most Underperforming] Truman during the Oxnerd sync of Taylor Swift's "22"

[Most Spontaneous] Slim Shady (Phil) gave a hilarious sync of Eminem's "The Real Slim Shady"

[Most Crowd Pleasing] Sasha Grey (Lisa) with her rendition of Miley Cyrus' "Party in the USA" (she actually sang along!)

[Most Sung-Along-To Sync] Tied between Eric's sync of "Call Me Maybe" and Jenny and Eric's "I was forced to do this and ended up doing the whole song" sync of "Let it Go" from Frozen 

[Most Heartwrenching Sync] John's  sync of Sean Kingston's "Beautiful Girls"

[Most Fitting to the Party Theme Sync] Lisa, Han, Truman, and Andrea (Oxnerd sync of Taylor Swift's 22)

Celebrate your success and find humor in your failures. Don't take yourself so seriously. Loosen up and everyone around you will loosen up. Have fun and always show enthusiasm. When all else fails, put on a costume and sing a silly song. - Sam Walton

I Will Survive

Currently Listening: Gloria Gaynor - I Will Surive
Currently Reading: World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War & Freakonomics
Currently Watching: Girl Meets World, The Legend of Korra (Book 3: Change)

On Zombies and Vampires

Since the zombie/vampire concept has transformed into a mainstream fascination, I've decided to jump on the bandwagon. There is so much good material to critically filter out from all Twilights of fiction (an unrealistic love story that holds absolutely no entertainment value save for how terrible it is - but unfortunately, I can't even say it's "so bad it's good" - it's just bad). For example, I read I Am Legend several years ago and, as a chemical/bioengineer, it was intriguing to think of vampirism as a viral infection originally intended as a cure for cancer. I decided to read World War Z upon inspiration from Ann and it has, thus far, been a fascinating work of fiction (I haven't seen the movie). Mostly, I love it because it's sci-fi. And sci-fi is my favorite genre because it combines imagination with the world of science. More than the actual horror/thrill, I enjoy the scientific ideas - viral mechanisms, pathways of infection, and inception. Then, I enjoy the "pseudoscience": the psychology of it all. My favorite excerpt so far from WWZ is on the organ transplant doctor from Brazil.

It's a world of theoretical possibilities, with the threat of apocalyptic endings in an increasingly overpopulated world without boundaries. I once read into a crazy theory that the Mayan civilization faced their apocalyptic end due to a zombie-esque epidemic. Among the arguments was: finding human bite marks on human bones and finding scattered remains from the same bodies, etc. etc. If you Google it, you'd find it interesting but realize that there's not a lot of concrete evidence. But when we have a world, now, that:

• plays with genetics and viruses in the realms of
• agriculture
• biotech
• healthcare
• biological warfare
• has so much traffic between countries and continents
• a growing population
• uncontrolled influence on our external environment leading to unpredictable or accelerated weather patterns (i.e. increasing global temperatures, rising water levels, nuclear fallouts)

How can we not fear a world where a crazy pandemic Prion-like virus sweeps the globe? WE CAN ONLY PREPARE OURSELVES FOR THE WORST.

Week to Week Update

My persistent knee problem is making me a very sad cookie. Physical activity is something that keeps me happy and motivated in life and when I don't have the knees to run a comfortable 5k, I get really ANTSY. Really freaking ANTSY. I can play Ultimate and basketball but not at the level I'd like to compete at. So on Monday, I'm gonna take steps to (finally) set an appointment with a GP to talk about my health. Something I've been avoiding. But since I have a lot of time (being funemployed and all), I might as well take advantage of the time.

Beside that, I feel like I've begun to mentally withdraw from too much social interaction while my general satisfaction with life is dwindling. I have to be there though. Present. Sometimes I just have to force myself... I never regret going out, though. Being able to talk to people and walk away feeling like we'd just had a good exchange makes me feel happy. ALSO - I am really trying to consciously incorporate wit and comedy into my everyday persona. I'm doing this by writing down funny things I think of or hear (using Google Keep on my Android and on Chrome) and then re-using the content in daily life. It's pretty difficult though. I'm pretty sure I operate on a different wavelength than most people (that's why I just can't win at Cards Against Humanity haha). Does it sound silly for me to do this? :o

As life happens, I've gained more experience/insights into the ways of this thing called dating. It's interesting, really. Here I am, this idealist, being brought to several realities - which have more or less been easy for me to ingest. For example, thinking about the long term health and genetics of an individual is actually something people think about... that blows my idealistic mind. Because in my emotionally idealistic world - I would probably not even think about that until after the emotional/romantic connection has been made. And at that point - it would be too late 'cause I'd be in too deep. So it is rational.... and it's something I have to internalize.  As far as dating goes, though, it seems to be transforming into more of a distraction than anything - even when I consciously try to keep it as a separate thing in my life. Maybe because I'm starting to believe that there's more to work on that I previously thought. Andrea version 3.0 still needs release - and there are still several bugs to work out. I still need to install new software, get the latest OS, and ensure I have the best, most effective antivirus, etc. etc. "You have to be the one before you can find the one."

And then I'm going through a weird phase where my subconscious keeps bringing back residual, unresolved thoughts about H. I have these weird dreams of being in the same vicinity and not talking at all and just acting like strangers - sometimes before the dream ends, one or both of us try to reach out but then I wake up. We haven't spoken for more than four months now and it's a sore point to think he was once the person I talked to the most, and now he's just someone from my past that I'm supposed to burn bridges with? Sigh. Just sigh.... it's not me wanting to get back together... it's me being uncomfortable with the fact that we're not friends and I still care about him because he was such a big part of my life. After all that's said and done, even when I know we had changed and distanced ourselves into different people by the time we broke up, I still learned a lot about myself through our relationship and, when the relationship was going well, I aspired towards my ambitions with enthusiasm and conviction. -sadface-

Oh... also... I got a bangcut! Not sure how I feel about it right now but mrehhh! I was going for a very drastic change so it's taking some getting used to.

Musings on the Map

Currently Listening: How to Train Your Dragon OST
Reading Queue: World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War & The Zombie Survival Guide (Max Brooks), Eat, Pray, Love (Elizabeth Gilbert)

1) Personality Typing

The past few months, I've had several conversations about Meyers Briggs Type preferences. Typing personalities is an interesting concept because personalities are fluid. And while some may argue that MBTI is not a useful or validated metric for personality, it seems to be a good guideline. With MBTI alone, you would not be able to account for external factors that affect our propensities such as upbringing, life experiences, culture, and genetics. For me, however, it serves as a good basis for assessing personal strengths and weaknesses and how I can work on personal growth and development.

The four letters as they apply to our types can be described most easily from the MBTI Manual:

Favorite world: Do you prefer to focus on the outer world or on your own inner world? This is called Extraversion (E) or Introversion (I).
Information: Do you prefer to focus on the basic information you take in or do you prefer to interpret and add meaning? This is called Sensing (S) or Intuition (N).
Decisions: When making decisions, do you prefer to first look at logic and consistency or first look at the people and special circumstances? This is called Thinking (T) or Feeling (F).
Structure: In dealing with the outside world, do you prefer to get things decided or do you prefer to stay open to new information and options? This is called Judging (J) or Perceiving (P).

Since I have often had to explain MBTI to others, I've found that extraversion and introversion are often misinterpreted as whether or not one is outgoing and social or quiet and not-quite-as-social. In actuality, extraversion and introversion is generalized to where a person gets their energy--externally or internally. For example, an introvert may not prefer being around too many people at a party because it is more difficult to access their internal world when there is so much going on externally. Additionally, an extrovert would have trouble feeling mentally stimulated when they are alone or in an location that does not seem interesting to them.

MBTI preferences are also interesting for understanding type dynamics in the workplace and in personal relationships. My type, for example, is theoretically a good match with INTJs because of our complementary needs - mentally, emotionally, and psychosocially. I'm discovering more and more that the people I have gravitated towards in my life are INTJs. They are all unique people apart from each other. Most of them I can relate to based on common interests, background, or values but I sometimes won't have much in common with them. However, the common denominator in all my relationships with these people is that they seem to bring order and stability into the way I think, which is usually haphazard, inclined towards non-linearity, and oriented towards the big picture. They challenge me to be a better person while allowing for me to be myself (happy, caring, and people-oriented). I gravitate towards them because I am intrigued by the way they think and operate.

2) Choosing my own adventure (inspired by an INTJ - yay for segues!)

Recently, I was asked what my 5-year plan was. If I could choose my own adventure, where do I see myself in 5 years? That's a good question. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? There are so many possibilities!

My answer at the time was this:
I would be...
... managing research projects in biomaterials with orthopedic applications
... married
... in the process of starting my own rehabilitation clinic focused on new research/technologies. I want to be able to still make an impact by bringing new ideas in from translational medicine!
... considering children (or maybe have one on the way)
... considering further education (possibly physical therapy school?)

Upon further thought, I would add these details: I would be married to someone who is simultaneously my best friend, life teammate, and greatest love of my life. I'd be more knowledgeable, grounded, and very competent at follow-through for new ideas. I'd be able to say I was well-traveled and good at planning trips. I'd know how to code! And finally, I would have paid off all of my student loans and still have a lot of savings.

3) What is the end goal?

Every time someone asks me where I see myself in X amount of years, my mind revisits this little snapshot I once envisioned... with myself as a physical therapist. In this snapshot, I'm helping people recover motor function - be it from neurological disability or injury that required surgical repair. I have encountered a lot of skepticism whenever I mentioned PT to people who understand that I have studied engineering. The general feeling from the skeptics is that if I ever went to PT school, it would be a waste of my engineering education. A few months ago, I was told it was illogical. When I was told that it sounded illogical, I was taken aback for a bit by the criticism. It hurt, actually, and made me sad and unsure of myself.

But I thought about it some more... I don't feel it is illogical to enrich my life with different types of experiences until I get to my 'end goal' (if I had to dream the perfect dream... it would be heading my own PT clinic focused on clinical research and new tech - similar to the Rehabilitation Institute of Chicago). A unique journey and having a lot of experience to draw from is my preferred mode of operation. For example, studying abroad in HK placed me in a position for many lessons on independence, simple living and avoidance of excess, adaptability, sensitivity to other peoples' ways of life, and communication. I know that I could be very good at starting new things, integrating ideas and concepts, and being diplomatic. I could use my developed people skills to manage projects, but through my experiences abroad, I have also found that there are many things I still need to work on such as follow-through, self-discipline, and consistency (these are developed but can always be improved).

Being an engineer is also very different being someone with a patient-centric occupation or a people-oriented job, which I would enjoy. However, it is valuable to be able to take engineering approaches to both managing research projects and leading a rehabilitation clinic's operations.

Knowing that people would be very critical of how seemingly haphazard my path is - the best take away is that I should not jump into new ventures on a whim. I should still know my general direction and ensure that everything I do serves a purpose, either directly or indirectly. And that is why I need to think more about my 5 year snapshot!

I'm still charting the course and enjoying where I'm at now. My goal is to have an interesting life and have an impact on my world/community. That is the value I hope to create for myself.

4) Snapshots from Random Social Happenings! (in no particular order)

7/6 - Skype dinner date with awesome long-time friends! <3

7/20 - National Ice Cream Day at Fenton's!

Good times with beautiful people :)

First time doing nails with 'the girls' =]

7/18 - Triple Rock with these amazingly awesome people!

7/3 - Fourth of July SoCal trip - Roscoe's Chicken & Waffles

7/20 - Ramen Festival SF!

7/9 - Oakland foodventure to Homeroom (mac & cheeses) + Fenton's afterwards

Fantasmic! famished

Currently Listening: Britney Spears - Lucky, Backstreet Boys, basically all the fun karaoke songs

Still Reading: The Picture of Dorian Gray (Oscar Wilde)

At this very moment, I feel that my life is lacking a magical element to it. I know it's unrealistic but sometimes a girl just needs some magic, okay?

My knee is still having troubles. I seriously need to get more exercise. My mind runs circles when I don't go for jogs. Ahhhh guess I'll have to get used to "therapy swims" instead. Also, I embarrassingly lost my knee brace again... Why do I let these things happen?

Man, I wish I had more to write about right now... for now, my thoughts are fairly nonlinear. Dorian Gray makes me think a lot about maturity, life experience, and the contrast between "innocence" and "corruption." Lord Henry is both annoying and intriguing to me - how does one so maliciously enjoy the downfall of innocence? I wonder what Dorian would have been like if he had continued on in life unscathed by vanity and self-indulgence... the lesson of course is that Dorian took life experience to extremes... because he could... and the further you go down the rabbit hole, the more gravitating the spiral becomes. Thoughts for later, I guess.

Just Checking In | Lessons I Learned in College and Grad School

Currently Listening: Nujabes - Luv(sic) parts 1-6

Currently Reading: Meditations (Marcus Aurelius), The Picture of Dorian Gray (Oscar Wilde)

It's so hard to find a gig that lives up to the billing
Trying to find a reason to work, god willing
I admit, my thinking is wishful
Like a star upon a child gazing up to the ceiling
How far do we have to stretch the truth
To fit the lifestyles borrowed and overdue?
We can take it all back to the register
And start all over from the canister
Let's break it all down into pieces of bright
Moments that pass by like a meteorite
Throw on your favorite reel that's good to go
On the analog player watch the people glow
Sit back to the breeze let the memories flow
Comedy tragedy all the highs and lows

Recent Happenings/Endeavors:

• Applying for jobs... deadline for self: end of August
• Slowly returning to athletic activity/training.... I should really see a doctor about my knee...
• Attempting to detach from posting too much on Facebook.... using Yelp and Instagram more
• Reading more, cleaning more, getting my act together...
• Laptop in Geek Squad repair due to hardware issues; using an old family laptop in the meantime

Not too much going on right now, although my days are mostly filled up. I missed the last two blogging Mondays because I've been caught up in graduation, spending time with family and friends, etc.. In the meantime, I've been working on a set of reflections/overall lessons from college and grad school but it's really hard to sum up six years of lessons. I guess I'll post a draft here:

General Lessons

1. Perfectionism is great - but don't let it paralyze you. You can't let the thought of failure or mediocrity deter you from actually DOING something. Go out there and do it to the best of your ability. Maybe in the end, it won't be perfectly to your standard, but it's better than not trying or half-assing it.
2. Stop worrying about making the right decision. Be decisive. Take time to consider your options - realize that all options contain some variety of benefits, struggles, and failures. You'll never TRULY know what is on the other side of the fence; be at peace with that and run with whatever decision you've made.
3. Fake it until you make it.
4. Focus your resources on your strengths; don't spend too much time trying to mitigate your weaknesses.
5. There is nothing wrong with taking the time to manage your appearance/image with diet, exercise, and daily maintenance. It is a vehicle for your soul and spirit! As much as it feels superficial, people will treat you differently based on how you appear to them. Look and feel confident.
6. And on that note, stop caring about what everyone else thinks. Don't run around trying to meet the expectations of others without knowing what you expect from yourself. 
7. Exercise a strong sense of self based on data and facts - not the opinions of others (or your own delusions). There will be times when people make you feel like you're not good enough. Conversely, people may make you feel like you're too good for something. If you have a strong sense of you are - GO FOR IT.
8. A motivator that works for me: "You're better than that. Now go and prove it." 
9. Simplify, simplify, simplify.... but don't oversimplify. Spend money as needed. Minimize excess.

On Relationships with People

1. Surround yourself with people who make/inspire you to be a better person. Give freely to the people you want to keep in your life. Choose wisely. It is also beneficial to be in the company of different types of people - those who think and feel differently from you along with those who resonate with you intellectually and emotionally. 
2. Don't be afraid of getting hurt (emotionally). But don't let others take advantage of you; approach your relationships with caution. 
3. Live in the present of your relationships, not in the past or the future. "The good times you have had together are cherished memories, but they will not sustain a bad relationship [...] Neither will the hope of ending up together one day when you return from abroad, as powerful as that hope may be. [...] The past and the future are nice thoughts, but they are not powerful enough to sustain a relationship that is rotting away. Make your present relationship good, and the other good things will come with it." 
4. Be wary of letting insecurity define your relationships. Insecurity is a cruel and subtle beast that burns voids into your soul. You might try to fill those voids with the external validation of others. However, you are responsible for your own happiness; don't expect others to give you that.
5. Genuine love involves concern for another person's happiness over your own. Sometimes that involves detaching yourself from their life for a period of time. Sometimes it means giving the hard truth. Sometimes it means the best gift you can give is the certainty that you will stand by their side.
6. Being "in love" and "loving someone" are distinct concepts but not mutually exclusive.  
7. Communicate your needs clearly in a relationship.
8. Good relationships with family is easily one of the most important things you learn to maintain.

"Remember"

The past few weeks have been a challenge. And I've been struggling to churn out a post because I've been in a whirlwind of "busy." Still, I think it's important for me to keep blogging so I can check myself periodically so I'll try to make this a weekly, every Monday thing.

A few key updates:

1 - Job hunt. I wish I could say my efforts have been increased but I'm still riding the waves right now and turning in job applications without much investment. I've had a few leads but no final words yet but it doesn't really bother me right now. I have Uber and Lyft in the meantime and I'm capable of living off what I have so far. We'll see where things go. On the plus side, I'm realizing more that I would really like to continue doing research so I can feel proud of any publications I can get. Orthopedics or neuroscience? I guess it depends what I fall into and the project that I end up working on? Both are exciting fields tome.

2 - Injuries and pursuit of hobbies. Having sprained my knee recently and getting somewhat sidelined from any and all physical activity, I've grown restless from the lack of external stimuli. Where it was once basketball, running, and gym, I now tend to obsess over small details in my social life or school life - both incredibly annoying and tedious things to obsess over especially since obsession tends to paralyze me rather than call me to action.

With the distractions of school and sports and heartbreak/heartmake, I haven't really had time to pursue any of my mental, more private hobbies. Examples - reading classic novels, thought-provoking media content, guitar, etc... I can't remember the last time I read a good book... the last one of note was probably Neuromancer. I haven't had time to read anything worth my time. Familiarizing myself with philosophy/theology has been something on the backburner. So I suppose I'm looking forward to getting back into my more "introverted" hobbies once I start working (read: adult) life. Also, I've been meaning to improve my coding skillz. I've heard of a girl who gave herself a new coding project every week so she could improve. I'll keep people updated on that.

“It’s not all bad. Heightened self-consciousness, apartness, an inability to join in, physical shame and self-loathing—they are not all bad. Those devils have been my angels. Without them I would never have disappeared into language, literature, the mind, laughter and all the mad intensities that made and unmade me.” s. fry

3 - An improved family relationship. One thing I've struggled with in my life is coming to terms with bitterness about my past. I don't think that it's a unique struggle. I particularly harbored angry feelings towards being "held back," overprotected, taught to worry and obsess over consequences that haven't happened, and forced to be independent too soon. Of course, a part of that anger is from misplaced blame. Everyone is messed up in their own way from their own pasts. And life is a series of lessons that help you unlearn all the mechanisms you've developed to help you deal with personal traumas.

My parents and I have come a very long way. Since my graduation ceremon(ies), I've turned these questions over in my head constantly: I wonder if distance really makes the heart grow fonder? Or if it was that I let them into my life (slowly) or became Facebook friends (with some filter). Can relationships be slowly mended with a simple, detectable change in perspective and heart from both sides? Is this unique to familial relationships? At what point did we start to trust each other more?

My dad shared something with me when we had lunch at Cheeseboard:

Dad: "You know, it's nice spending time with you. When you're not at home, we don't think about you as often anymore."
Me: "Uh... you don't think about me?"
Dad: "Oh, except when you don't respond to our text messages or phone calls. It's like we don't worry about you anymore."

This is a really big revelation. My dad has always been a HUGE worrier. A worrywart. It was part of what made growing up so difficult for me - and it's what makes "worrying" and "obsession" so paralyzing when I get trapped in it. This tells me that he is indeed a happier person now and that he is beginning to trust me, or, at the very least, his need for absolute control has diminished. I'm incredibly happy that family life is improving. And even more happy for my dad who is becoming someone who is more at peace with himself. <3

4 - Matters of the heart. I hesitate to write about this stuff in my blog because I know that anybody could end up reading this so I apologize for my intentional vagueness.

I don't think I've been my best when it comes to taking care of my heart. I've learned too well how to disguise a locked heart with openness and enthusiasm. Someone once jokingly asked me if I had "intimacy problems" and, not aware that it was a joke, I answered honestly: "Maybe..." From an objective standpoint, yes, it's hard to believe that anybody who'd been emotionally invested in a long-term relationship would not be afraid of "getting too close" to someone. There's always the fear that you will screw up again and repeat the same mistakes. There's always the fear that the other party will abandon you.

Am I over the person associated with my last relationship? Yes, I'd say so. But I don't believe that I'll ever stop seeing the world through some sort of relationship filter anymore. And isn't that what growing up is? Each life experience gives us a new filter to see through. I guess wisdom is carefully choosing which filter you see through at different moments in your life. These days I wonder if I've chosen to see life strictly through some filters as a form of self-punishment.. but that is food for later thought...

Still, I think I've come out stronger. Therapy and school counseling, my awesome friends, tending carefully to my confidence levels, and immersing myself in physical activity have helped. Unfortunately, progress is thrown off by regression very easily. The moment I step out of my comfort zone, I become blindsided and life becomes complicated again. I'm afraid of hurting people, afraid of getting hurt, afraid of... putting myself out there. While on this process towards self-discovery, part of me screams... 'Is getting feelings mixed up really necessary?!?'

Without going into too much detail, the number one feeling I look for in a relationship: someone that invokes respect from me. Even a sort of reverence. I don't think I could ever fully love someone I didn't respect for their qualities (good or bad) and the way the carry themselves in failure and defeat. Second feeling: trust, partnership, epic friendship, teamwork... never feeling alone...

Also: every girl has to have a checklist. Here are a few things on mine.
- morning person
- sporty
- work ethic
- a balanced risk-taker
- ability to communicate
- Disney buff who doesn't think it's ridiculous to rock out to Disney songs (out loud)