Childhood's End: The Human Spectacle

Another scifi classic first published in 1953, Childhood's End, traverses concepts like alien invasion, destiny, the supernatural, humanity's purpose, and free will. Clarke's premise begins with the invasion of the Overlords, who are technologically advanced, benevolent and seek to supervise the world in the name of bringing peace and prosperity. They are successful and bring about the golden age for man but their true purpose and appearance remains shrouded in mystery for a handful of generations. Childhood's End examines the result of their invasion and the eventual culmination of their arrival.

I found myself compelled by many of the twists and turns of the plot and the philosophical ruminations on the peaks of technological and social progress. What is religion, what is science, what is art, what is the purpose of struggle and strife? What if we removed war and tribulation and fulfill the base needs of all humanity (by and large eliminating crime, poverty, and hunger)? Then we see humans flourish on earth. With a premise like this, Clarke inevitably probes into humanity's ultimate purpose....

“No utopia can ever give satisfaction to everyone, all the time. As their material conditions improve, men raise their sights and become discontented with power and possessions that once would have seemed beyond their wildest dreams. And even when the external world has granted all it can, there still remain the searchings of the mind and the longings of the heart.” 

On my read-through, the book feels disjointed and not as fleshed out as I would have liked it. However,  Childhood's End successfully stretched the dimensions of my mind, even just a little. The final pages of the book, in particular, leave me with an internal struggle (possible spoilers ahead?):

What is humanity and are we irrelevant in the vast expanse of the universe? Sometimes I read books like these and it's hard, as an individual soul (or am I?), to get on-board with the idea presented here --- that we are meant to merge with a higher power. Yes, something innate within us longs to be part of a collective, a community, and that somehow provides meaning and purpose. At the same time, we are individual and existential... and that somehow allows self-determination and free will. That's a simplistic summary of what I view to be the human paradox, to be sure. Grandiose religion, science, and art all seem to dance around this. As I am, I am stuck in an in-between.

Thought-provoking, imaginative, full of high-concepts, and plot-driven, reading Childhood's End is an embrace of science fiction's roots. Clarke is one of the "big three" of classic science fiction (among Asimov and Heinlein) so it stands to reason that it is a "must read." It is definitely still relevant more than half a century later.

P.S. I should really start my own Goodreads.... but I don't feel very confident in my book reviews because I normally don't put a lot of time or thought into it. Though I will admit I've gotten somewhat better over time, I mostly just spew out a bunch of random thoughts (and spoilers) and leave it as is.

Currently Listening: Kina Grannis - For Now
Currently Reading: Circe (Madeline Miller), The Social Animal: The Hidden Sources of Character, Love, and Achievement (David Brooks)

sunset peak

under the lens i lend to you,
 i invite you to the landscape of my mind.

but how vexing this feeling is --
  feeling seen and examined --
though i long for it.
i want to be seen.
i want to be understood.
 (it's not an uncommon feeling, is it?)

after years of loaning --
 i am used to returns.
maybe my stories never mattered,
 but i'll tell them anyway,
 if you'll listen.
 we can trade.

but then you asked for the prequels --
 watched the trailers reel --
longed for something too.
could i even dare,
with your stories,
 to co-imagine the sequels?

someone asked for more.
 how unfamiliar.
long ago, a naive self felt this before,
 blinded by my own hopefulness,
 and now: caution.
 skepticism.

too many times i've fallen off the deep end,
 wanting so badly to feel something real.

so let me sit here for a moment..
 and maybe i'll yield
 maybe i'll
 drift.

mokelumne wilderness

when we were together,

you were the salience of a stable calm
in the chaotic winds of change -
moments that made me better.
moments that made you love -
i was the essence of warm sunlight
scattered in an achromatic meadow.

we climbed mountains,
i pushed you further,
you drew me inward.
home was always within.
and we saw that through the leaves
from the forest floor.

we laughed, hugged, joked, loved..
i learned and you learned and we learned.

but it didn't last like we said it would.
we theorized - said forever in passing.
but did we truly believe it?

when i find an old memory, i might feel homesick
and i'm fraught with questions:

could i have tried harder?
could i have yielded more?
could i have loved better?
could i have been more patient?

pointless recursions -
the answer is always the same
(maybe / not enough / we grew apart)
the night changes
and we're only human - only human.
i let the rain fall
and then i look inward
and i touch the newness of a clear sky
from the mountain of my own soul.

we were only almost forever
but we loved, and that was certain.
there was so much good -
so much to remember -
but most of all,
you changed me for good.

because of that
i can look back and say
"that was wonderful.
thank you, old soul,
old friend."

i know that will last.

The Three-Body Problem: tyranny, physics, and humanity's place in the universe

As a Star Trek enthusiast (fledgling though I may be), I like space. Naturally, this erupts from a love of science fiction, particularly how our imaginations can be evoked through the fantastic possibilities

of science. After all, "there is no science without fancy and no art without fact" (Vladimir Nabokov).

I've finally finished the 2015 Hugo Award winning novel "The Three-Body Problem" by Liu Cixin (translated by Ken Liu), and it was totally worth the read! I have so much to say... but I'm not the best at book reviews without being spoilery... so as is my usual M.O., I'll just throw out some spaghetti:

Flat Characters but Science- and Plot-Focused 

I will say that character development was not a particular strength of this book. Told in third person, the characters are mainly used as a medium for the alternate realities imagined in this book. However, now that I think about it, this commonly happens in many science-fiction novels. I find a lot of thrill in complex character development but when it comes to sci-fi, if I'm too engaged in the imaginative science, I think that's a win. But it's certainly not for everyone. The Three-Body Problem definitely captured me in many ways: (a) it appealed to my budding interest in history, (b) its science fiction had a strong basis in physics, and in particularly astronomy, and (c) it was a deep dive into what "first contact" with extraterrestrial life would really mean for the fate of humanity.

Historical Setting

The backdrop of the 3BP story begins during the Cultural Revolution in China. I learned quite a lot about the Cultural Revolution in China; it had quite a rounded collection of perspectives, ranging from reactionaries, the Red Guard, and the political elite. A great portion of the book is spent setting up the world and exploring the condition of humanity during this time. After a slow start to reading through the set-up, things (finally) started to get weird: the "fiction" part is an imaginative (and yet tenable) spin on China's race for the search of extraterrestrial intelligence (SETI) at Red Coast Base. Here, the main character, discovers a method of amplifying outgoing and inbound signals and secretly sends the first successful "first contact" message out into the universe.

Human history is indeed filled with horrors and wars and atrocities, and the characters of the book are products of those. Their actions are motivated by formative experiences. The characters are subjected to the tyranny of humanity and it feels outside of their control. It's hard to agree that this is a world where positive experiences greatly outweigh negative ones in the human psyche. In the current political sphere and historically, humans have paid forward fear (the basis of hate and anger and self-preservation) in seemingly limitless amounts. Despite the ideals and smaller experiences of kindnesses experienced by the characters, often the educated elite, they hang on to a cold and cynical ideal. Maybe we don't pay forward kindness or love enough. Maybe ideals are simply not enough (if it were true, communism would actually work.) Just something to think about...

Physics

Having not taken a physics class for several years, I found the physics topics largely educational. Besides the obvious staging of SETI technology, The Three-Body Problem explores in-depth the classical three body problem in physics, with which there currently is no known computational solution. This problem is crucial to world-building for the alien civilization (my favorite visualization is on page 238 of the Tor translated publication) of the closest triple star system to our solar system (Alpha Centauri AB and Proxima Centauri). Imagine a civilization's (the Trisolarans) planet whose orbit was affected by THREE suns -- now that's a thought exercise! -- and Liu Cixin brazenly dives deep into what that might look like.

Other scientific concepts touched on in this book:

• astronomy (obviously)
• special vs general relativity
• artificial intelligence
• computing technology
• dimensional folding

The Fermi Paradox

Ah, a basic tenant of SETI -- the Fermi paradox. The Fermi paradox has four main premises:

• there are billions of stars in the galaxy and many are billions of years older than our solar system
• it is highly probably that some of these stars have Earth-like planets that support intelligent life
• some of these civilizations have developed interstellar travel
• even at the slow pace of currently envisioned interstellar travel, the Milky Way could easily be traversed in a few million years

... so why have we not heard from anyone yet?

Many theories try to answer this question. But the upstanding theory that 3BP alludes to is the dark forest theory. In this theory, we know so little of the civilizations out there and the potential technologies they may possess that it is dangerous to communicate with them. Any contact would risk revealing our location in the galaxy and thus leave us vulnerable to destruction.

3BP also explores, with Asimov-like echoes, the general progression of science and technology towards interstellar exploration. And do we really want that? What does society look like once we've established mastery over subatomic particles or antimatter? We might just blow each other up and there might be nothing left. Indeed, an overwhelming motif of 3BP is that the human civilization is self-destructive and "undeserving" of continuation. Judgment day is coming for Earth - in what form? Alien invasion or our own demise? 3BP asks the question: what do we really mean in the grand scheme of the universe? Can we, as a whole civilization, really be redeemed? Do our actions really matter? Who - are - we?

Conclusions

Ultimately, since the book is the first of a trilogy, it is largely world development. We don't meet the Trisolarans in person but we have communicated with them. 3BP asks us to look up at the sky and imagine the possibility of extraterrestrial life and how it would ultimately change the face of the Earth and how we understand the universe should we make contact with them. It asks us to think about our political climate and how poorly we treat one another, both individually, as larger organizations or countries, and even within the groups we identify with. What ideals are you driven by, if any?

My next question is... should I read the next two books of the trilogy?

I think I've racked my brain enough in this space (hah!)... I've still got a long queue of other books to get through but I'm putting The Dark Forest somewhere on there. :)

Other Interesting Reads:

What Happens if China Makes First Contact?

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2017/12/what-happens-if-china-makes-first-contact/544131/

Next Reads: On Tyranny: Twenty Lessons from the Twentieth Century (Timothy Snyder), A General Theory of Love (Thomas Lewis, M.D. Fair Amini, M.D., Richard Lannon, M.D.)

Bad Blood, a story of the tell-tale start-up

Back in 2014 while studying for my master's degree, I remember touring Silicon Valley for the first time. It was a brand new world to me and I was, for lack of a better term, starry-eyed. Everything about the Bay Area told us to look for new ways to innovate and to make money out of technology or some big idea. It's what got me out of the idea that I wanted to do anything drug-related or something where the impact timeline would be 10+ years down the line.

Four years later, a Wall Street Journal investigative journalist publishes a book titled "Bad Blood: Secrets and Lies in a Silicon Valley Startup." All there is to be said about the book has already been said. In my opinion, it's worth the read if you're in biotech, basic sciences, or even just interested in a startup in the healthcare landscape.

There are so many facets to the story of Theranos. First, it's valuable to understand that the vision of Theranos was one of wanting to change the world and revolutionizing the healthcare industry. The mission was noble. The difference it could make to healthcare and medicine was profound (along the lines of preventative healthcare, drug reaction monitoring, etc.). There was a lot of money to be made. If the technology challenges had actually been overcome in the time that Ms. Holmes led Theranos (it called for advances and innovations in chemistry, microfluidics, scale-up, etc.), it would have truly been the next step to the tricorders of Star Trek. Combine this with the Silicon Valley hype train that the starry-eyed VCs rode in the 2000s and early 2010s. Combine that with Ms. Holmes' captivation with Steve Jobs and the idea of changing the world from a young age.

It's a very cautionary tale. Many profess that Ms. Holmes' was genuine in her desire to make a great technology that would help the world, but that she surrounded herself with the wrong people who encouraged her to cross too many lines, tell too many lies, and cut too many corners. It could have been her youth and the naivety that comes with it. It could have been she was a pathological liar.

In other industry spaces, (software, specifically), you might be able to get away with vaporware. But to continue on without conscience for the souls you affect when your technology affects medical decisions for patients -- it's naive to allow yourself to fall into a reality-distortion bubble. Whatever judgement you want to make on her, she's apparently paid her dues in a settlement (no shares for Theranos, 10 year ban on chairing or directing public companies, and $500,000 penalty) and it's interesting to note that she's now trying to start yet another company [Vanity Fair]. I'm not sure how she didn't get jail time for fraud and endangering the lives of patients...

Some interesting items explored in this book:

• Elizabeth Holmes surrounded herself with higher ups who championed her cause and gave her start-up credence in the eyes of the more naive.
• Elizabeth Holmes had a romantic relationship with her "second in command" Sunny Balwani (20 years her senior).
• The company lied to the military and several federal agencies, including the FDA, CLMS (Clinical Laboratory Management Systems).
• There is an interesting saga of how she suckered Walgreens into partnering with Theranos and spending millions of dollars on renovating their own stores to make wellness centers that accommodated the Theranos devices.
• An oppressive atmosphere was cultivated within Theranos, surrounded by secrecy, paranoia, and constant surveillance of employees.
• Theranos' persistence and bullying in silencing employees and former employees resulted in the SUICIDE of Ian Gibbons.
• John Carreyou (the journalist and author of the book) details his experiences in trying to gather sources for the story. Once news broke to Theranos that The Wall Street Journal was working on the story, Theranos began threatening and bullying those who they believed were Carreyou's sources, both public and confidential. Scary effing stuff.

A slew of other things but some food for thought:

"Hyping your product to get funding while concealing your true progress and hoping that realtiy will eventually catch up to the hype continues to be tolerated in the tech industry. But it's crucial to bear in mind that Theranos wasn't a tech company in the traditional sense. It was first and foremost a health-care company. Its product wasn't software but a medical device that analyzed peoples' blood. As Holms herself liked to point out in media interviews and public appearances at the height of her fame, doctors base 70 percent of their treatment decisions on lab results. They rely on lab equipment to work as advertised. Otherwise, patient health is jeapordized."

"This book, which flowed from my work exposing the Theranos scandal in the pages of the Wall Street Journal, would not have been possible without the help of the confidential sources who spoke to me at great personal peril throughout 2015 and 2016. [...] All were moved to talk to me, despite the legal and career risks they faced, by one overriding concern: protecting the patients who stood to suffer harm from Theranos' faulty blood tests. I will forever be grateful to them for their integrity and their courage. They are the true heroes of this story."

If you're in the healthcare industry and want to make a difference in the space, the industry, or your community, don't forget the reasons you are in it.

Another good read: http://nymag.com/selectall/2017/04/why-silicon-valley-keeps-getting-biotechnology-wrong.html

Currently Reading: The Three-Body Problem (Cixin Liu)

Give me the wind

I realize how different this is.

How alone I am... 

  not lonely, but surely, alone.

The longer I swallow my own identity,

  the more I feel like no one can ever be "right."

The more grounded I am,

  the harder it is to be swept off my feet.

Also, opening up my heart --

  opening up my life --

  letting someone in,

  knowing someone deeply,

  I'm damn scared.
Somehow that scares me now
  more than it ever has before.

Give me the wind instead,

  the open roads...

Race Recap: Giro di SF 2018 - My first crit!

I said I'd never race a crit. But here we are now.

Just some word regurgitation below --

First Criterium Race: Giro di SF

I decided to sign up for this thing on impulse, less than a week before the event. I was feeling confident in my fitness and happy with my bike handling and cornering skills despite the fact I hadn't ridden in a peloton since Lodoga RR. My mental preparation, therefore, for the race was sorely lacking - perhaps for the better.

My training is a different story. Because I'm not a "serious" racer trying to win anything, I take a lot of liberties with training. But I still have goals. I just can't allow myself to take them too seriously. My goal the past two years has always been to become stronger and injury-resistant. In the last two months, I've taken to training with a power meter and approached it in a more structured fashion. VO2 max and threshold intervals have not been a part of my vocabulary since college intramural track - but I threw them in and saw rapid improvements in my bike fitness (in some ways, I also feel my run fitness has benefited but that theory needs to be tested). After just one serious training block, training and riding with a lot of fast men, and some successful PR snagging, and marked improvements in bike handling, I wanted to see where I stacked in the women's fields.

And that's basically what got me to sign up for my first crit. Racing was always something that intrigued me and based on my progress as a cyclist, it was a natural thing for me to feel. I've skirted around bike obsession for two years now. Being on two wheels is fun and training hard and going on recreational rides all increase my fitness and strength as the sole engine of my machines.

Then when I consider racing.... it's basically a chance to demonstrate all of your hard work and passion.

Anyway.... the women's 4/5 field was pretty small with only 12 registered before the race and 16 total on race day, which also gave me a bit of confidence signing up. A smaller field means we're not as packed together in the peloton. The course was notorious for involving train tracks (seen in pics below), a small hill (but hills are nothing to me these days!), and asphalt that needs some serious repavement. But it's my first one and the only one I'd ever witnessed in person last year so I had no frame of reference for what makes a course easy or hard.

The day before the race probably did not go as it should have. No openers were involved hah:

• I went on my first motorcyle ride (pillion), which was incredibly fun but the sport geometry had me a bit sore and I didn't get home until 10PM-ish. Motorcycle rides are deserving of a whole 'nuther blog post, by the way.
• My knee had been bothering me (this is a normal occurrence as I sometimes have inflammation flare-ups when I don't ice or stretch consistently *guilty look*) so I taped her up.
• After getting home, I FINALLY cleaned my drivetrain after 4 weeks of UTTER NEGLECT.... but I derped and I got my finicky SRAM Red rear brake out of alignment and spent an hour trying to get it back to perfect. Total mechanic time was maybe 2.5 hours.
• I went to bed at 1am but couldn't sleep because the adrenaline and nervousness were getting to me! Like "why the heck did I sign up for this, I wish I could back out but I told all my friends about it already...."

RACE DAY:

I got to the venue at 7am to give myself adequate time to register and warm-up and all was going well. Except one series of unfortunate events ensued.

5 minutes before 8AM race start, I felt the call of nature for a number 1, so I quickly went to the restroom and came back rolling with 2 minutes before 8AM. For some damn reason, as I was tossing my arm warmers to my friends so I could roll up to race start ASAP, my bike and I decide to do a front flip. James said I must've feathered my brakes and lost control. So my bike flipped on top of me while I did a ninja roll and said my greetings to a new spot of road rash on my shoulder. Apparently, I popped up right away after my fall and said "I'M OKAY!" It's something my friends back during my Track/XC and Basketball would say was in true Andrea Villaroman fashion so I found it both stupid and hilarious. But I was kind of mad that I undid the 3 hours I spent working on my bike the night before... James and Yao rushed to help me loosen my from brakes after the front wheel went out of true (thankfully, I spent time fixing the rear brake last night and didn't just go for a quick fix so the rear brake was reliable *pats self on back*). We also had to straighten out my stem alignment with a torx screwdriver (thank goodness for Yao's multitool) and throw my chain back on.

The adrenaline was pumping at this point but I was lucky enough that the race started late at 8:15.

I felt really strong and focused the entire race. The weighted average power was 203 for the duration of the race but it was unsurprising that I felt strong since I tested my FTP at 210 two days before. I felt very comfortable being surrounded by bikes and riders and my cornering was on point that day and I had tons of confidence in my tire grip and centripetal motion. Unfortunately, the whole tumble and dry changed my bike's handling in terms of braking and I could no longer have 100% trust in my ability to control speeds in the peloton. So I opted to stay near the front of the pack instead of "conserving" energy. As a result, I found myself the recipient of a $5 preme lap prize (I had no idea what preme laps were before the start of this race... hah..) but I also didn't "conserve" energy for the final lap...

The 30 minutes went by in a flash and when the last lap was called, I really had no idea how to approach it. Again, I was stuck in the front and took the last corner before the straightaway in the front. With no prior experience or dedicated training in sprinting, I think I was too "reactive" in the final bunch sprint. I waited till I saw other people sprinting and by that time it was too late -- 5 other ladies got past me. I missed the podium and finished in 6th place and had SO MUCH still left in the tank. The lack of experience was huge and so was not being familiar with the course or my sprinting abilities. When I looked back at the data, I saw that the last sprint was less than 25 seconds and I could have sprinted out of the corner and showed off my prowess because I know how much I can dish out in that short amount of time. I should not have waited to react. That's NOT WHAT PEOPLE DO. UGH. Oh well... overall, I'm pretty happy because I learned a lot and got the crit nerves out of my system and I'll definitely have a better sense of how to approach these kinds of races in the future.

It was also awesome to have some of my favorite friends there to support me at my first crit. It really took the nervousness away and gave me some peace of mind. Anthony, James, and Kyle all showed up for an 8AM W4/5 race! And Viv was racing the same race (with Yao there as well) so that inspired me to keep a "survival" mindset. Survive I did. And I demonstrated my potential. It's only a matter of time before the Velo Promo Early Bird series. SEE YA THERE.

Takeaways:

• I need to adjust my drops (angle them more downward) so reaching into the drops is more comfortable.
• Arrive 1.5-2 hrs before race start to give ample time to prepare.
• Study the course and know where the potential attacks will be. Know where the sprints will be. Know what your positioning should be if you wanna win. 
• You should always want to win. ;) That's the point of racing.
• I love my friends so much <3.

Unbroken, a reminder to hold on to your moxie

I found "Unbroken: A World War II Story of Survival, Resilience, and Redemption" (by Laura Hillenbrand) under recommendations in a Facebook group for hikers and backpackers and was drawn to the synopsis. Unbroken is a biography of Olympic runner Louis ("Louie") Zamperini, an Italian American who grew up in Southern California. He becomes a B-42 airman for the U.S. during World War II and after a series of successful missions on Super Man, things suddenly go south on his first mission on Green Hornet, which crashes into the Pacific Ocean 850 miles from point of origin. Only 3 men survive the crash and they are soon adrift on two life rafts... The story follows Louie's story of... well, survival, resilience, and redemption throughout World War II and the years that followed.

My Main Takeaway: Rebellion

Normally a reader of fiction, I have never had a big appetite for biographies but, recently, I find a lot of inspiration from real-life stories. For one thing, the characters are (in general) relatable and if they aren't, the characters are normally portrayed in such a way that demonstrates the lengths of human capacities while still bringing a lens of realism to their personalities.

Louie was an incredible athlete and much of that physical prowess carried him to survival. But more than that, his struggles in childhood before WWII forged grit into his soul:

From earliest childhood, Louie had regarded every limitation placed on him as a challenge to his wits, his resourcefulness, and his determination to rebel. The result had been a mutinous youth. As maddening as his exploits had been for his parents and his town, Louie's success in carrying them off had given him the conviction that he could think his way around any boundary. Now, as he was cast into extremity, despair and death became the focus of his defiance. The same attributes that had made him the boy terror of Torrance were keeping him alive in the greatest struggle of his life.

I feel that we all need a little defiance in our lives. Because nothing worth doing in life ever comes easy and we are always met with resistance and voices that tell us "you can't do it." We all need convictions and beliefs and the moxie to follow them. When the boat rocks and we fall overboard -- and get thrown to the sharks -- we get right back on and persevere because we believe in the directions we are headed.

Historical Roots

Having just visited Hawaii, it dawned on me while reading this book that WWII was only 75 years ago. Since then we've been through several conflicts with other nations and an average of 2.33 million military personnel on active duty per years from 1950-2000. "Of this average, 535,000 troops (23 percent of all military personnel) were deployed on foreign soil." That is a massive number! And yet, despite The War on Terror and the Iraq War during my adolescence, war and the suffering inflicted by war still feel so far removed from my experience. War, in my daily life, feels like a phantom notion.

I remember a high school assignment in which I interviewed a family friend who went through a Japanese internment camp during WWII and then peer reviewing an essay from a Caucasian friend (Richard) whose grandfather fought in the Pacific (versus the Japanese) in WWII. Richard's grandfather's experiences with the cruelty of the Japanese people was a stark contrast to the cruelty experienced by the Japanese Americans in internment camps. Ironic, isn't it, how cruelty can be brought out so easily when the stakes of nations are so high? And no matter what way we spin it, we are still living through those repercussions of the past. I live with a vague fear that an impending nuclear war will overturn everything I know, like it did for Louie Zamperini, and yet, it feels so unlikely to happen.

I suppose this is how I always feel after reading or watching war stories. But it's an important feeling to have - because it is a generous reminder of our past and suggests we should learn from the mistakes of generations before us. Still, millennials are just as prone to eerily similar mistakes in a world that constantly puts new twists on the circumstances surrounding it.

4.5 stars out of 5

Unbroken was easy to read through and well-written. I loved the anecdotes and historical context provided. Louie himself and his friends, Russell Allen "Phil" Phillips and William Frederick "Bill" Harris in particular, were fascinating subjects to me. I've been inspired to embrace suffering in whatever form it comes (mild as my suffering may be in comparison to the men in this book) to help forge my character and resilience.

Currently Reading: Bad Blood (John Carreyrou), The Road to Character (David Brooks)

Growth Decisions

ALV v4.1 Patch Notes

Currently Listening: The Killers - All These Things That I've Done
Currently Reading: Training and Racing with a Power Meter

After many false starts and numerous drafts, I'm finally getting back into my blog... for my sake.

This 1-year dry spell is the longest I've ever gone without a single blog post since 2010 and I am okay with that. I want to say that I was focused on trying to live my life but, more than likely, I didn't post very much because there was a general lull in the flux of my life. Not much was changing. Whenever I caught up with people, I would always give a similar answer to the question, "what's up?" "Not much.... work, tri stuff, boyfriend, Marshmallow..." Some of that was an intense focus on triathlon training and trying to be more practical in daily life (being more organized, simplifying my wardrobe, writing checklists, keeping a planner/calendar, NOT losing my phone or keys, etc.). While my external world was finding order and structure, my internal world was shelved away. Which is OK. To be an effective human, practical skills are things I need so it was necessary to shelve away my internal world...

Eventually, however, I ached to return to a deep-seated enthusiasm for life and I wanted my emotional and intellectual life to flourish again. I ached for change externally and internally. I wanted to really, truly commit to the best and happiest version of myself.

So these past few months, I...

• ... made a conscious effort to embrace the best parts of my social life.
• ... asked for a raise and better responsibilities at work (and got it!).
• ... broke up with my boyfriend when I decided that there was no longer any room for growth together.
• ... embraced my love of the outdoors (I went on a solo hiking trip and have many more planned).
• ... made a list of books to read and started reading again.
• ... made a list of things to do before I can allow myself to get into a new relationship. 

It's wild putting things in perspective after all that's happened. Here I am. Single. But not alone or lonely. I have a job where I am allowed to grow and cultivate the skills I want. I have a career ambition that I am finally confident in pursuing. I have a life filled with fulfilling friendships and hobbies. I am more confident, not just in who I am now, but in my ability to reach my potential. I have an intrinsic drive, forged through the fire of a past peppered with struggles, confusion, and tension. I no longer ruminate for too long and I keep things rolling as best as possible at the beck and call of life. When I get knocked over, I know I can get right back up.

It's strange to look back on old posts (both my private/public blog) and compare how I felt about myself back then to how I feel about myself now. After sharing my reasons for my breakup with a close friend, she commented on how proud she was of me -- how I never knew how awesome I was even though I was and how far I've come away from a place of insecurity to a place of confidence... now I know I'm awesome and deserve the right kind of awesome to match it. Happily, I genuinely feel this is true.

To close, the BEST thing I've ever done for myself over the last 8 years was learn how to be more self-compassionate. Self-compassion is SO necessary if you want to grow and share your light with other people. That's the goal of all this right? At least I like to tell myself this: I want to make myself better so I can help others and my community. To share light and love and compassion and everything in between --  that is the real aspiration here.

What's next? SO much more!

(Oh and a happy early 28th birthday to me!)