Path to my First Job

During my job search, I'd heard descriptions such as green, inexperienced, eager, enthusiastic. I'm young with limited industrial experience, coming from a loosely connected educational path. From community college to chemical engineering with a minor in bioengineering to translational medicine to clinical research? And I also studied in Hong Kong for three years? It's certainly no straight shot career path.

All in all, I've learned a lot from each step of the way.


Community College

When I was a high school senior, my parents' combined income suddenly hit zero, and suddenly a four-year college seemed impractical when financial aid offices thought I was still from a lower middle class family. So I decided to go to community college; there, I learned a bit about supporting myself and aiming for the stars. I was the smart cookie but my perspective broadened. Smart people are everywhere; it's life circumstances that differentiate us on the societal scale.

It's not about the cards you've been dealt, it's how you play your hand.


Bachelor of Engineering

After my 2-year stint in community college, I went to Hong Kong with a scholarship and pursued my B.Eng in Chemical and Bioproduct Engineering.

Fun fact: Chemical engineering is not math, physics, and chemistry combined, at least where I studied it. It's actually a whole beast of its own, playing with more open than closed systems, heavy computational power, and chemical manufacturing processes. If you want to make millions in the oil/chemicals industry, then study this. If not, I'd investigate the program more to see if it's really what you want... If I had wanted math, physics, and chemistry combined, I should have pursued biophysics. Then I would have fulfilled my desire to dive into theory.

However, engineering did teach me many invaluable things. For example:

• Approach a problem through a systems framework by piecing together specifications, known and unknown variables, relationships (equations), and goals. 
• Always look to innovate and optimize processes/products - this is the ultimate job of the engineer.
• I learned how to work in a team and manage relationships with supervisors and teammates.
• Make smart decisions from a business perspective. Are products easily integrated into current markets or processes? Or, do you intend to be a disruptive technology - in which case, how will you go about transforming existing trends so that your technology or product is adopted?
• Think outside of the box. Or draw a bigger box. (Life is an open system, after all!)

Hong Kong, needless to say, overwhelmed me with lessons on independence, adaptation, time
management, and interpersonal skills. I always felt like I was behind the curve, so to speak. But I worked hard to overcome many of my weaknesses. Undergraduate education was a very exploratory part of my life - where I was unknowingly trying to discover who I was, what I was good at, and what kept me motivated. I had a keen interest and ability in almost everything I did but when things became difficult, be it schoolwork, financial, or social, I would fall out and fail to follow through.

During this time, I was also in a long distance relationship with a nice guy back home. That relationship kept me grounded and also kept me ambitious at the same time. He validated me and my dreams and it was awesome but at some point we, cliche as it is, somehow got too comfortable and that suppressed personal growth on both our parts.


Master's Degree

After getting my B.Eng and leaving HK with limited success, I entered a selective master's program, which I felt would teach me everything I needed to know to enter the professional world of biotech and translational medicine.

I came in with a few goals in mind. I was going to connect the dots of my seemingly disjointed career path and, therefore, find what I really wanted in my next career steps.

Professionally, some career-related observations I made were the following:

• I loved working with people
• I enjoyed challenge and cross-functional projects, which is what is appealing about research
• I like working on many projects and thrive in the start-up phase of projects
• I want a career in healthcare and biomedical innovation

In the end, I knew I wanted to begin my career in clinical research. And pursue a doctorate after five years.


A Crash Course in Personal Growth

Midway through my master's, my boyfriend and I broke up. And, I'll be Captain Obvious here, but my life really seemed to change from that point.

For years while I was in a relationship, I had been comfortable. My main problem had been that my attention was constantly focused outward... on my significant other... on the validation received and not received from my S.O. or friends or family... on outward signs of achievement. That is like building your house on sand. Yes, in many ways, I had always been pushing myself outside of my comfort zone but my attention was not focused on myself: inward for strength and change.

I approached life after the breakup not hating or blaming my boyfriend for breaking up with me - I loved him, and out of love, I was forced to examine myself. I realized that I was severely lacking in emotional maturity and still acted on traumas accrued from my childhood and former friendships/relationships. I had a strong desire to change for the better so that the best possible outcome could be achieved and I ended up going to counseling/therapy (a free service provided to Cal students).

Through counseling, I developed my own process for gaining the surety and confidence that I needed:

1. Admit I am way too self-critical, to a paralyzing extent
2. Practice self-compassion
3. Identify my own value and love myself (self-understanding)
4. Love others
5. Re-evaluate and ensure my inner values match my actions
6. Pursue change or improvement where necessary
7. Repeat steps where necessary

The important thing about "lifelong learning" is that you develop a habit for change - extending out to career goals as well as personal goals. We should be content with our lives without being comfortable. We should be happy with our lives without losing hunger.

The Hunt

"Don't forget to be awesome." That is a good slogan - not because it is easy but because it is hard. Being awesome requires constant vigilance. (Hank from vlogbrothers)

The past few months during "The Hunt" put everything I learned to the test. The lessons went from playing my hand right to engineering problem solving and persistence circling back to my ideas for a career to confidence. It was stressful. There was uncertainty and fear. There were moments where I wanted to take steps backward or give up. There were moments where I doubted my optimism would last me... I was financially at my wit's end.

But here I am now. I've got all this education, training, and now, confidence. I know who I am, what I want, and how to attain it.

And at this juncture in life, I'm proud to say that I've accepted a job offer as a Clinical Research Coordinator at UCSF in the Department of Ophthalmology, Ocular Oncology.

I am officially the new kid on the block.

(Official "Career" labeled post will be made once I get the official letter and start date.)

The First Job Offer!

Currently Listening: I Wanna Dance With Somebody, How Will I Know (Whitney Houston)
Movies Watched: Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993)

Note to Self: NEVER drink anything caffeinated after 10am.

After 2.5 months, I finally got a job offer! For a position (clinical research coordinator) that I think will be very rewarding during my early stage career path. And I'd be managing a project that would be very interesting, with huge clinical implications for the UCSF system. The position starts out part time while the major grants are being written but is expected to expand to full time soon.

During the job hunt, I've been blessed with experiencing the highs and lows, the blunders and achievements, of "the search." And now that I'm in phase III, I feel very blessed to have gone through this. It was stressful (it still is) but now that there's something on the table, a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. The stressors related to being poor now appear to have an end.

My interviewer, who was the doctor I would work under, offered me this job on the spot. It was only the first interview, so I was pretty blindsided by the offer. However, I did feel very valued because of that and both he and the second interviewer graciously acknowledged that I would need time to make my decision. He also seems like an amazing person to work with - a visionary, a great mentor, and is extremely well-respected.

Right now I still have some decision-making to do because I'm still waiting to hear back from another department - I will write about the decision process in a later post once I officially move forward with something. To help with the process, I've been speaking to people whose opinions I value and a former teammate of mine told me to rank the things I personally look for in a first job. Then I can evaluate each opportunity based on what's important to me. So here goes.

Ranking essential aspects of a potential first job:

1) Experience: My number one goal is to gain transferable project management skills involving different kinds of people (clinicians, patients, academics, industry). This means further developing organizational and planning skills as well as consistent follow-through and execution. Secondary to that, I'd like to refine my interpersonal and presentation skills, be able to write grants, co-author or author a few publications, and become very well-versed in clinical research development (protocol, IRB, regulatory affairs, etc.). I would also like something to "show off" - something tangible that I can be very proud of.

2) Compensation: I've got bills to pay and my mouth to feed and things to save up for! But I'm not looking to make bank yet. I'm just looking to survive, pay back my student loans, live comfortably, and have enough to help out my siblings and parents.

3) Mentorship: I would like to find others whose career path or personality I can model myself after, who are as equally invested in my career as I am in supporting theirs. Whether it's vision, influence, or competency, mentorship would take me very far in terms of personal and professional development.

4) Alignment with scientific interests: I obviously have been pursuing fitness and sports for a very long time and I would really love to work in a field that has neurological applications - specifically, movement disorders and neurological rehabilitation. However, my past experience is most relevant to biomaterials and pharma/oncology.

Stay tuned!

Soul Groove (It's a Waltz!)

Currently Listening: Motown: The Musical, Original Broadway Cast Recordings
Food: http://www.yelp.com/biz/soul-groove-san-francisco

MOTOWN WAS SO GOOD.

I don't know what it is about Motown music that always makes me want to get up and boogie. I love love love music from the old days. So when I heard Motown was coming to town, I had to go. I just had to.

My expectations were managed by the reviews I read on Motown; how it's exhausting, and long, and lacking in storyline (I don't agree), but the music speaks for itself.

The first half of Motown has a lot of exposition - almost too much... such that I was left wondering when intermission was. It was very drawn out. I think, generally, one goes into an autobiographical musical not knowing what to expect anyway - especially when it's about the 25 year history of a music production company. How do you even do that in a linear manner? Also, there is so much music that came out of Motown, that people are going to want their favorite songs serviced.

The second half, though, had so much emotion and I loved it and I knew what to expect. I especially loved the Reach Out and Touch (Somebody's Hand) number, which involved [unsurprisingly talented] audience interaction, and really showed off the stage presence of Allison Semmes, who played Diana Ross. That was the moment I realized Diana Ross meant it when she asserts "You say it, I can do it" to Mr. Gordon. In other words, she owns it.

The actor who played young Michael Jackson, Leon Outlaw Jr. was SO ADORABLE that I would almost squeal and jump up from my seat whenever he took the stage to begin a musical number. Everything from "I Want You Back" to "ABC" to "The Love You Save" to "I'll Be There" was perfect - his facial expressions, his joy, his talent shined in this performance.

Jarran Muse (Marvin Gaye) also gave an emotional performance of Mercy, Mercy Me, which I loved in this musical (unplugged) better than the original studio recording.

And of course, anything with Stevie Wonder made me laugh. Perfect touch of comedy.

I think that Motown gets away with a lacking storyline because the audience it attracts is probably very intimate with the music, grew up with it, and therefore knows the musical's historical context. Still, I think, as someone who grew up during the tail end of the Motown era, the musical balanced service to the music and to the story plot. If you pay attention to the nuances and stage direction thrown in, it's pretty easy to infer historical context and the ideas they were hurtling past. It is called... "Motown: The Musical" after all. And if you come for the music and the entertainment, that's what you'll get!

I will say that Motown: The Musical definitely had the potential to delve deeper into many higher-level ideas - like how Motown helped blur the lines of racial segregation, the musical significance of Motown during Dr. MLK's assassination, the value of pursuing your dream and not giving up. They just chose to emphasize romance and I was definitely left unsatisfied because the romantic ending felt ambiguous and incomplete. Did they get back together? Are they just friends now and has he been left to accept that? What is the emotional significance here? After 2.75 hours, I'd forgotten the initial dialogue at the beginning of the musical so I didn't know what it was that led him to come back for the 25th Anniversary Celebration... Then again, it makes sense that they would focus on the romance - it was a big part of Berry Gordon's life and is also the only storyline that spans the entire history of Motown.

Bottom line: The music was awesome and it was exactly what I wanted. 9.5/10

P.S. I definitely recommend going up to the pit band during intermission at Orpheum Theatre and talking to the talented guys that work there. They are super friendly! Please tell them that they are doing an awesome job. We found out that they actually don't get to see the production at all.... :(

Top 10 Musical Numbers:

1. Mercy Mercy Me (Marvin Gaye)
2. Can I Close the Door  (Motown: The Musical original)
3. Do You Love Me (The Contours)
4. I'll Be There (Jackson 5)
5. I Want You Back/ABC/The Love You Save medley (Jackson 5)
6. Reach Out and Touch (Diana Ross)
7. Happy Birthday/Signed, Sealed, Delivered (Stevie Wonder)
8. War (Edwin Starr)
9. Dancing in the Street (Martha & The Vandellas)
10. Baby Love/Where Did Our Love Go/Stop! in the Name of Love (The Supremes)

Phases of The Hunt

Currently Listening: Believe (Cher), Hips Don't Lie (Shakira), Fearless (Taylor Swift)
Currently Reading: Deciphering the Cosmic Number: The Strange Friendship of Wolfgang Pauli and Carl Jung (Arthur I. Miller)
Movies Watched: Star Wars Prequel Trilogy (Yep, all three.)

As I mentioned in a previous post, job hunting has been very enlightening. Learning how to package and market myself has been key to everything. As much as I thought I knew how to do this already, I've realized that I actually wasn't that great at it. I'd gone to numerous personal branding talks and career talks but none that were very specific to me. In addition, I didn't know squat about what potential employers were looking for. And for this reason, I really wish the MTM program had provided more career development support, but at the same time it was really my responsibility - so I'm undecided at the moment on what can actually be done to improve things (perhaps stronger alumni relations?).

Many people have noted that job searching is like a full-time job in itself - a sentiment I would agree with. I've adapted the phases of the hunt from this post on TheLadders.com.

Phase I: Preparation

First Attempts and Refining my Career Objectives
a.k.a. Bumbling Around in the Dark

+ Look at countless job descriptions and try to understand how you fit in
+ Submit a few resumes and CVs
+ Get limited responses
+ Revise resume/CV
+ Revise lame cover letter for a more kick-ass cover letter
+ Accumulate different versions of resumes and cover letters for different job descriptions
+ Revise your "elevator pitch" and career narrative

Phase II: Search

Articulation and Practice

+ A handful of in-person and phone interviews are under your belt now
+ Understand which jobs align with your goals and which are great fits for you
+ Submit more job applications - there's a rhythm to this now and you're able to churn out more applications because you've had so much practice
+ Revisions to cover letter and resume/CV are just touch-ups
+ Meet recruiters and develop positive relationships with them
+ Get feedback from recruiters - this part is pivotal
+ Encounter and have prepared responses for common interview questions
+ Write out STAR responses and practice delivery
+ Capable of articulating what you want, who you are, and what you've done
+ If you're persistent, then towards the end of this phase, regular interviews and resume queries are made on a week by week basis
+ Continue to network and get to know other people! (For example, I went to a Bay Area Geek Girl event hosted by Zendesk)

Phase III: Close

(I'm still in early stages so this description is not very complete)

+ Regular interviews and resume queries continue
+ Continue job applications and don't bank on any one job
+ Give 110% for every job lead
+ Interviewing comes more easily now
+ You are confident in who you are and know how to convey your enthusiasm and qualifications better than before, though this is in constant development
+ Preparation for interviews is key, including articulating out loud and written responses
+ Follow-up with interviews is even more key
+ Frame your responses to interviewers as if you have something to contribute!

+ Hopefully more than one offer pops up within the same time frames - then you can choose something!

I write this because I just got off the phone from an interview that I thought went pretty well. There have been so many leads as of late and I think I'm in the later stages of phase II and early phase III - so I really hope something leads somewhere! The [awesome] recruiter I am working with from Aerotek for another job has been especially helpful in helping me understand where I stand among hiring managers. As someone who is young with a master's degree but limited industry experience, what I have going for me is my enthusiasm and ability to learn on the job and I would need to convince hiring managers that I can bring something meaningful to the company and get up to speed quickly.

It's been a little disconcerting not hearing anything from my "dream job" as of yet but I'm keeping at it! All the while, the only ways I've kept sane during this time period have been to keep hanging out with friends, read more books, practice my Spanish, and re-familiarize myself with coding language.

Side note: Wow, weekly blogging has somehow been very helpful with internally organizing my thoughts. Forcing myself to write is a useful ! =D Future posts need to be written on (1) my recent trip to Crater Lake National Park and the Oregon Caves for Labor Day and (2) my thoughts on the Star Wars prequel. I also need to find some way to watch the old Star Trek TV series.... Hrrrm.

Rebuilding

Currently Listening: Weak (Daphne Khoo), If I Told You (Stephen Lynch, The Wedding Singer)

I just watched the most recent Wong Fu Productions video "After Us."



And because of Wong Fu, this is going to be one of those posts where I reflect on my past. Since I'm trying to move on, I've been limiting how often I let myself look back. But as usual, Wong Fu depicts a relatable storyline. This one resembles the struggle I went through the first half of this year: the path to recovery.

And you start to see life... without him.... at this point it's not even about finding another person to love, it's about finding who you are as a person - as a human. It's only when you don't have to consider anyone else that you can focus on your life - creating the best possible version of yourself.

Earlier this month, I struggled with the notion that you had to be single to really work on being a better person - couldn't you still love another person while still working on yourself? I'm still not convinced one way or the other. I think it's possible to let love in and still learn to focus on both your own and their own personal growth and development. But in the context of my situation at the time, it was better to stop dating or pursuing a relationship. I've been funemployed and I still don't know where life is going to take me in the next few months.

Single-dom in my 20s has given me the freedom to really evaluate myself and what I believe in. Single-dom let me look critically on what dating actually is to people my age. At the outset, it seems like dating is hooking up and flings and fun. It's all very casual. I can't honestly see how people can be physically intimate with others without having a comfortable level of love and trust on both sides.

Personally, I can only ever really fall in love with someone I've known for some time. I need to establish a level of trust with them. I need to have some idea of who they are, what makes them tick, what makes them happy... And it goes vice versa, too. No matter how much a stranger seems to like me, I would be hesitant to trust their feelings because they don't know me and how I am around the people I care about. I guess I just don't fit into today's dating culture... and I guess you could say I don't believe in love at first sight/meeting.

And that's why, after a few weeks of getting back on talking terms with my ex (because I wanted to be friends again), I realized how difficult it truly is for me to trust someone so deeply and open up again to a brand new person. My ex and I had essentially been best friends over the course of our relationship and then were cut off from each other for several months. I had forgotten what it felt like to have someone in your life that knew you so well. He had said something to me during our break up: "Maybe I'll be able to open up to someone again someday..." I don't think I quite understood what he meant until just now. Now I realize how difficult it is. It's ironic because the more I realize how difficult it is to open up to someone, the more I crave it... I want so badly to have someone to connect with, to care about and love - someone I can take care of when they're sick or sad or stressed. Someone I can motivate on their journey towards a better self. And vice versa. I want that life partner - that teammate - that "forever love" I hold hands with - someone whose hugs and kisses actually mean something...

But then the more I crave that connection... the more I question myself. Because for all I am in the present, I still have so much outside of a relationship (and family and kids) that I'm striving for. First, that new job. Second, helping my family. Third, making a difference in the world...  But just because I'm striving for the best possible version of myself doesn't mean that I'm not comfortable with myself and can't love another person. I think? I guess it's just a matter of time right now.... I'm ready to prove to [myself] that [I] can live on.

I'm generally a happy and optimistic person now and I think I've got a pretty good handle on my "silly switch." I'm joyful by default but sometimes fall back on a more pensive mood - which has been my mood as of late.

Ugh, Wong Fu, why must you make me feel the feels?

"Your journey has molded you for your greater good, and it was exactly what it needed to be. Don't think that you've lost time. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. And now is right on time."  - Asha Tyson

Treacherous (Coffee, Friendship, and Unicorns)

Currently Listening: Treacherous (Taylor Swift)
Currently Reading: way too many job descriptions and Huffington Post articles
Movies Watched: Crazy Stupid Love (2011)

Note to Self: Coffee hiatus leads to increased caffeine sensitivity when consumed. I drank coffee around 10am and can't fall asleep and it's 2am right now...

Unfortunately I have nothing to write about for my Monday post so here are just a few updates:

It was my MTM sister's birthday last week! We surprised her with cupcakes and good company on her actual birthday (Thur 8/21) with a fail on my part for getting "24" candles instead of "23" -___-. And then we went out bowling on Saturday and hit up a karaoke bar afterwards - which was cool, because I sang in public on stage for the first time in my life! I jammed to "I won't say (I'm in love)." It's amazing how much more free and confident I feel these days. And a lot of that has to do with the amazing friendship/siblinghood I have with this girl, who was there for me in one of my darkest hours. I really respect/admire her! :) <3

Ah, nothing beats a good ol' AYCE KBBQ session with Cal friends! Also, Angela's finally in the Bay Area!

Do I even have to repeat how much I love my spicy cilantro family? Dinner or drinks with my favorite BioE PhD students always makes my week. 

I recently began a hasthag on my Instagram #advenutreswithmyunicorn... basically a representation of my inner desire to have a bit of  magic in my life - and maybe one day meet and fall in love with my unicorn - that crazy special, irreplaceable man that's gonna be my best friend and lover and complements me perfectly with his strengths and weaknesses. The one that is committed to personal growth and the growth of love and a relationship. And the one that wants to change the world with me ;). I believe he's out there.. somewhere. Maybe I've yet to meet him, maybe I already know him. Hey, a girl can dream, right? I would have to fight the inner cynic to keep that childlike sense of wonder. And still more importantly, I still need to overcome fears of getting too close to someone, getting hurt, or hurting someone again.  In the meantime, I'm content with where I'm at and will pursue my career and make myself a better person!

Miscellaneous

When it rains, it pours. Weird car situation right now. Shower drain clogged and not working. :(

Tomorrow, I have a bunch of phone calls to make with recruiters. I hope that goes well!

I have an interview on Wednesday at UCSF for a clinical research position dealing with neurosurgery. I'm excited for it and also a bit anxious (could be another reason I can't sleep). This would be a dream job for sure! When I answered the phone call to set up the interview, it helped that I am VERY interested and fascinated with both neurology and clinical research - which basically meant I was able to say all the right things on the spot!

The same day before my Wednesday interview, I'm having lunch at Facebook HQ with an awesome friend who works there. (Anurag)

I have an MRI appointment and an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon about my left knee. Finally, after several years of putting it off, I'll find out what's wrong with it exactly.

Cheers, all! Hopefully I will have good news about my job situation next week!

How job hunting is simultaneously a soul-crushing and soul-discovering experience

Currently Listening: Turn the Beat Around (Gloria Estefan)
Currently Reading: The End of Eternity (Isaac Asimov, 1955, Audiobook)
Movies Watched: Pursuit of Happyness (2006)

So I'm on the job hunt, right?

The first job is always the hardest to land especially when you've been in academia your entire life. It was my mistake to not have interned anywhere in industry before, little did I know. And now, sitting on a pile of student debt (from my master's program alone), I am fighting to get my foot in the door. And it can't just be any door... it has to be one that can lead me to where I see myself in 5 years, else it take much longer to get there.

Job hunting requires a certain kind of mindset, it seems. It's sort of like dating except more brutal.

Self-Discovery: You should know what you want - or have a really good idea of what you want. I want to be a lot of things. I want to know a lot of things. I like to leave my options open. But what I've learned, at least for this first job hunt, is I need to be very good at one thing and I need to clearly state what I want (for me, I chose clinical research or regulatory affairs). And if it wasn't obvious, people who are very focused and have zeroed in on exactly what they want to do are very attractive for very exact positions. They are able to state, matter-of-factly, who they are and how that is backed up and how that relates to what they want. As time goes by, it's been a process of really understanding what it is I need and want from a career as well as what I can bring to whatever role I'm trying to fill. (Man, this really does sound like dating...) The constant editing and rewording I am doing for my resume and CV is an evolution process. And I'm liking where this is going. Nothing's changing; I'm just starting to understand what's important and how to say it. (Then again, how do you not sound like every other dating LinkedIn profile?) Job searching is image crafting at it's finest. You gotta build your own personal brand right?

Soul-Crushing: #TeamSingle. Over the past month, I've gone through periods of extreme motivation and upbeat optimism... with occasional but treacherous bouts of dismay and insecurity. Questions mull through my head: "How does everyone around me already have a great and awesome job? Why am I so behind? Why does it take me so much longer to find a job?" And then there's waiting on responses after interviews. And then getting rejected or redirected. Or getting an offer and then figuring out you actually don't really want that. Hmmm. People have told me to enjoy this period of being single joblessness - the only time in young 20s, really, where I have blocks of time to devote to my family and friends and other hobbies. This is true, yes, but man... that student debt. Not to mention that sense of responsibility I feel as the oldest child. Thankfully, my family is a short 6 hour drive away in SoCal and I've been able to spend time with them. The clock is ticking. I think my emotional states regarding joblessness have become more even-keeled though. Nothing phases me and I'm still rather optimistic about everything. I'm visualizing it all in my head.

It's taking a lot of effort. It took a lot of work to get the degrees and the experience and qualifications I have on my resume/CV but it's not like that means a job will just fall into my hands. It takes a lot of persistence to keep the applications, phone conversations, and followups going - so slowly but surely, I get on the phone with more people and begin more and more email threads. Dead ends can be discouraging but thus is life! It also takes a lot of hard work to prepare yourself for the unexpected. I learned from a friend of mine to always be prepared for an impromptu interview (he got to the final round for Google because he was always prepared!).

Remaining positive takes a lot of resilience and self-assuredness. Being confident but keeping it honest is a big balancing act in this phase of life. In the end, though, I'm really glad I get to experience "The Hunt" - it feels like an essential part of my personal and career growth.

Well, that's my 3AM spiel. I couldn't sleep. But now I ought to...