Growing up into Fate

Growing up.

I've been thinking that maybe "growing up" really just means working on and strengthening bits of our humanity. Growing up and staying grown up requires work. Week by week, I'm required to make little choices and perform small tasks in things such as emotional maturity, kindness, fiscal responsibility, and career progress.

I constantly make choices to sway me towards a certain direction. Whether it's accumulating experience, knowledge, or skills. I make a choice when I sit down and read a book or watch a youtube video. I make a choice when I go for a run or a bike ride.

I wish I had possessed an intuitive understanding of this in high school and college: how little things add up to larger things and how attention to the little things was your due diligence to a larger picture or goal.

But I'm glad I eventually came to this conclusion on my own and although I feel "behind" everyone else in success, I am content knowing I'm on the path to becoming my own person.

Fate. Destiny.

I actually believe that everything happens for a reason. I prefer beliefs in destiny, fate, and karma over chaos and randomness. Without such beliefs, it would be impossible for me to maintain a sense of sanity in this forever changing and dynamic world. The unexpected can always strike because it is impossible to see all of the seemingly infinite variables of life's equation. Making sense of the chaotic and seemingly random is why mathematicians work with summations and series and laplace transforms. In fact, laplace transforms are the reason I clutch onto fate and destiny.

If every action we take turns us into a certain person and leads us towards a certain path and towards certain places in life, spiting even the most difficult of circumstances, therein lies our fate/destiny. God plays a part but he gives us control and free will over what we do with our circumstances.

In many ways, I feel like I was destined to meet the people I have formed relationships with in my life. I ended up here in the Bay Area, despite my shortcomings as a young and naive soul with many imperfections. Looking back, I feel happy. But I continue to grow up and I strive to make my destiny even better.

2016 New Years Themes

TLDR: My New Years "resolution" is to maintain a compassionate and conscientious identity while learning how to disconnect from the clutter, focus on what's important, and work towards personal wealth.

This year, my resolutions are centered around themes:

1. Disconnect

While I in school, I became reliant on social media. But during work life, social media is growing less appealing when it feels like I have to put more and more effort into image crafting and caring about what people think. The pervasiveness of social media has become a nuisance to me. Every time I check my phone with no notifications, I go straight to Facebook or Instagram, and it's usually of no productive value to me but it's an addiction! It's become so much of an addiction that I check my phone while driving impulsively. And that's really unsafe.

So one major theme of 2016, starting now, is "disconnect." I'm not sure how I will achieve this and how I will measure any success tangibly. I've heard of people swearing that smart watches change their life and during the brief week I had a Garmin Vivoactive, I can see why. A phone is something that is fully engaging while a smart watch limits your interactions and lets you stay on task. Because I had the smart watch to keep me inconspicuously connected, I was satisfied with my "connectedness" and rarely felt the urge to check my phone. It was great. Unfortunately, the Garmin Vivoactive did not live up to my aesthetic preferences and was too bulky for comfort on my wrist. I will keep an eye out for newer models of this watch.

One positive action that I'll take towards this is to hike and backpack more. I love the outdoors and I love taking in the scenery and, once I'm out there, I love the fact that I'm disconnected from society and work and all my human burdens. I love coming back and reconnecting, too, and I think that's part of what I'll enjoy from this theme. Honestly, I sometimes think the fundamental idea behind both the engagement with internet/social media and the search for great outdoors... is really that search for connectivity. They feel very different ... but isn't it true that we need people to feel connected to humanity and that we, conversely, need nature to feel connected to our personal humanity?

I feel like I'm halfway there. But I'll need to make an everyday, conscious effort to win this game.

2. Focus

This seems like a similar concept to the first, but my goals are different. I want to disconnect because I want to free myself from the clutter of "information overload" and from the need to "image craft" on social media. Once free, I want to fill it in with new, resonant, and/or productive things. But in order to do that, I must obtain a skill I has been underdeveloped for many years now: focus.

--the ability to set my mind on a task without getting distracted or being pulled in different directions. I've set many goals and resolutions in life only to be lost because I did not have focus. I've even started many unpublished blog posts that were unfinished because I did not have focus. It has to do with self-discipline against distractions, daily dedication, and determination even when failures occur. So instead of having goals or resolutions, I am going to work on my "focus" this year. That will be what is on my mind every time I tackle a new task.

To work on this, I will start with 15-20 mins of yoga stretch every day and 5 minutes of meditation every other day. Baby steps for now.

3. Wealth

For me, this is a weird theme. Money has always been a central theme in my life because it has always been a huge area of stress. My family has always been barely afloat on the financial front. I may have studied abroad on a tuition scholarship, but I struggled to make ends meet, feed myself, and pay for room and board. I used my free time in tutoring for money (and sometimes food) and had many stressful, sleepless nights. I had enough mindset to stay afloat because my mother was always very frugal and handled her credit well so our family never went completely broke.

However, in the game of wealth, I don't feel that I grew up with any role models. Wealth to a comfortable degree, where I could spend wisely but comfortably enough to buy nice, durable things, did not seem attainable to me while I was growing up. It was really just about survival...

I have to realize now that I am approaching a position where I can turn up. I've never felt interested in this whole grown up world of investments, mortgages, interest... Looking back, it was either because I never gave it much thought or I was scared of reaching very high (the less wealth you have, the less risks you can take).

In practice, tax season is coming up; time to really understand what I'm doing when I fill in those boxes! To start, I resolve to read more about how to manage my money, my wealth, and how to achieve enough to live comfortably and give back to my community. (Now taking book suggestions!)

P.S. Obviously this theme does not just apply to monetary wealth. :)

What I Learned from Dogsitting

Thoughts on Responsible Dog Ownership and Pet Obsession

If you know me well, you know I will often joke about how small dogs are not "real" dogs. It's not that I really think that they are a separate species (I go so far as to to joke chihuahuas and pompoms are big rats). I despise the idea that they were bred to look like permanent puppies that irresponsible dog owners can baby. Because they are smaller and and so "cute" and easier to handle and dominate, they are often irresponsibly bred, which I believe is the reason for the "chihuahua mix epidemic" in adoption shelters and kennels. Small dogs and dogs bred just for cuteness reflect human pet obsession and babying.

Larger dogs tend to encourage a more rewarding companionship since they cannot be treated like babies all their life. There's the puppy phase and then it's over after a year or so. However, they are likely to become abandoned dogs if they are not socialized properly or not given the proper love. They end up misunderstood when they develop aggression or uncontrollable behaviors as adults. Because of this, I despise the notion that pets are just pets. Do NOT bring a "just a pet" mentality to large breed puppies. Why do you think there are so many German Shepherd mixes and Husky mixes in the shelters?! </endrant>

The first domesticated wolves were allies to humans. We made it each other better and helped each other survive. Since the first alliance, dogs have evolved together with us. But in a modern, pet-obsessed culture, it's so easy to forget that these souls can form real, meaningful bonds with us that are forged out of respect.

The Adorable Toasted Marshmallow (Dogsitting)

Last month, I had the opportunity to dogsit our new family pup, a 10-month-old Japanese Akita, for a short span of 10 days. The Akita breed is a large breed of dog and it is classified among the most dangerous dog breeds, next to the Husky and the German Shepherd. Knowing this, responsible dog ownership over Mashi was very important to me.

In sum total, she gave me something to live for--outside of my work, my boyfriend, and my friends and family. She gave me a glimpse of what it took to really, truly be responsible for another soul: self-awareness, dedication, and time.

You have to be self-aware in everything you do with and around a puppy. In developmental psychology, the brain is constantly making positive or negative associations with events so every little action can affect their development. Associative learning is at the crux of caring for a young life. For example, one day Mashi ran out of the house while my landlord had the garage open. In my many years of dog ownership, I'd learned that chasing after a dog will only make the dog run away. So I slowly approached her and to my pleasant surprise she did not run away as I took hold of her collar. This was a key breakthrough because I wanted her to learn that being offleash was okay as long as she let me approach her and take her collar. If I brought her inside the house at that moment, I would end up letting her associate "the collar grab" with "ruining the fun of being offleash." So instead, I put her training leash (15 ft) on and had Marvin take her for a walk in the park. In contrast, many dogs associate the collar grab with being dragged somewhere they don't want to go. I was always on thinking about my actions, even the tiniest of ones, and trying to remain self-aware.  Most importantly, my self-awareness helped me communicate with the dog because it made me aware of how I was communicating with her and how she might communicate back.

Self-awareness also helps a lot with dedication. In my last microblog, I brought out the quote "being awesome requires constant vigilance." Nothing is truer when you care for another being. Consistency is a key principle of associative learning but it takes a great deal of patience and discipline to do the right thing the large majority of the time. While laziness is the great bane of consistency, I found that when there was another life on the line, I was less likely to be lazy. I got out of the house to walk her in the cold mornings and evenings. I made sure she made positive social contact with dogs at the dog park. And I made sure she was fed and exercised. With dedication and self-awareness, I ended up exercising awareness over Mashi's needs. (It wasn't all perfect. One morning I failed to exercise her adequately because I had an early work meeting... and she ended up chewing up my roommate's slipper.) But even though it was a demanding "job" to care for her needs, I really think the love I developed for Mashi and time I invested in her over the short 10 days made me a better person. It put things in perspective and got me out of my own head and that is a huge thing for me.

Last but not least, the most difficult requirement of all when caring for another soul: time. My demographic profile (female, mid-twenties in the Bay Area) is not something to take lightly. It's an age when time is limited, careers are mobile, relationships volatile. In the fray of it all, taking care of a dog seems like something that could disrupt my current set of priorities (skill/knowledge acquisition, career, social life, relationships). Don't get me wrong--I know that in the future, the honor of forming a lasting bond with "man's best friend" will be high on my priority list. That bond in itself is a huge, irreplaceable reward--not to mention the endless warm and fuzzy instagram-worthy pictures, loving cuddles, crowd-pleasing adorableness, and cuteness overloads. However, unless I had adequate financial resources and could tag team with someone or have reliable dogsitters of my own, I would not risk adopting a puppy or a young adult dog.

What I learned from dogsitting is that I'm not ready to responsibly own a dog yet. It was a relief to bring Mashi back to my home in SoCal so I could "live my own life." But in the near future, who knows?

I still want to adopt a border collie and name him Spock.

But I want to earn that dream.

Nerdfighter

I secretly (or not so secretly) watch the vlogbrothers. A lot. By far, my favorite video contains these awesome words from Hank Green:

"A slogan of nerdfighteria these past seven years has been Don't Forget To Be Awesome, and that is a good slogan, not because it is easy, but because it is hard. Being awesome requires constant vigilance, and you will slip up, whether because of ignorance or because of selfishness or because of outright malice, or because you're drunk. But you have a choice, after you've done something crappy, you can transform into one of two things. Either you can regain your awesome through actual apology, or you can become a fartbag."

"Being awesome requires constant vigilance" is probably the phrase that plays most frequently in my head as it applies to... everything in life. Being awesome is hard and sometimes I just want to be a potato but then I realize that I'm only 25 and by golly I've got a plethora of quests to complete and the possibilities are still endless and the day will come when I will slay a dragon or something. Some weeks it takes me a lot longer to realize this and sometimes it's instantaneous. Either way, I must apologize to myself and forgive myself for not being awesome. And fight on.

Happy Feet

It's been too long since my last post, so I'm just going to churn one out.

I've been thinking a lot about how my relationship with running has changed over the years. And I wonder if it's what most former sprinters/jumpers like myself go through. Sprints and jumps were signals of power. My college intramural long jump was 4m07 (13ft4" while in high school I could jump a solid 14ft). 400m was at 70''99 (in high school, I bested 67''). At HKUST, I placed first in both events at an interdepartmental meet so even though I'll never be Alyson Felix who ran 49''89 at the Beijing 2015 World Championship, I have a small piece of my history to be proud of.

As running short distance races becomes less realistic and taxing on the body, I've slowly converted to longer distances. From the beginning, I took a track athlete's mentality to long distance running. I look at pace as a performance metric. I push myself on long runs and in every active thing that I do.

And that "tough as nails" attitude has merit to it. But it's taken me eight years to realize that this has also led to my many injuries at a great cost: knee surgeries, depression, body dysmorphia, tendon and ligament strains, shin splints, negatively comparing myself with others, etc.

Does placing first (or bettering someone you're mentally in a competition with) always matter? No. I will never be Shelly-Ann Fraser-Pryce. However, I can learn a lot from top athletes when it comes to attitude and perseverance. (Side note on Fraser-Pryce: this 100m Jamaican national record holder is 5'0'', runs a killer 10.7'', and has a million dollar smile and a beautiful personality!)

Mardy Fish had an insightful article on a recent Player's Tribune which, essentially, highlighted that there will always be someone better than you:

My dissatisfaction with the status quo — that had been so helpful when there were 20 players ranked in front of me — crossed over into something more stressful, and then destructive, I think, when that number became reduced to seven.

The idea that I wasn’t good enough was a powerful one — it drove me, at an age when many players’ careers are winding down, to these amazing heights. But it also became a difficult switch to turn off. I was, objectively, doing great. And looking back, I wish I had been able to tell myself that. But doing great wasn’t something that my frame of mind back then had time to process. All I could focus on was doing better. It was a double-edged sword. 

Fish, Fraser-Pryce, and Felix are all athletes I look up to. They're winners, but more importantly, they recognize that being the top dog is not everything in life. Filling your life with non-material meaning and purpose--that's what matters. And in your journey of self-improvement, do it on your own terms, find joy in the process, and fill it with love. I've always believed in "unselfish" self-improvement; making yourself a better person should be to the benefit of your community and your loved ones.

Flash forward to my current self. I'm running 12-16 miles per week. Other amazing distance runners are running 40-50 miles or more. But it's just unrealistic for me to put in any more than what I do now as I'm still recovering from surgery. I haven't re-adapted myself to the mechanical stress those distances put on the body. So when the dastardly Shin Splints wafted on the horizon as I first got back into training, I slammed the breaks and decidedly eased back into it with more discipline.

And that brings me to my favorite new element of training: the easy, long run. I used to dread this element of training (fire trails at Berkeley!) but that was because I was running them too quickly. In order to train an aerobic base, you have to run farther, slower. And, as a sprinter, that never made sense to me. "Tough as nails" and "pushing your limit" and "past the lactate threshold" were a sprinter's bread and butter. We're always thinking "faster" and, very often we're thinking: "fastest."

But do you enjoy the scenery when you're running faster? Can you smell the air? Greet a passing jogger with "good evening" or "hello"? Smile and wave at the little kid that waves at you?

Most recent 6+ mile run (Ocean Beach -> Land's End Trail -> Golden Gate Park)

Since I somehow tricked Marvin into doing the Berkeley Half Relay with me, I've coerced him to doing long runs with me too. To my bafflement, he'd never run more than four miles before and now we're running 6+ miles together (ranging between 9:30-10:00 pace). On these long runs, I'm always emphasizing conversational pace. And while running slow can be boring and 1+ hours of just running can feel like a waste of time, I also enjoy the company and the mini-conversations we hold. I'm happier when I run and try to enjoy my surroundings--not to mention, the Bay Area is B-E-A-U-TIFUL. And we've also quickly begun to see the effects the long run has on our faster, moderate-paced runs. Marvin was able to run a sub-8 paced 3 miler while I've begun to hover at 8:10-15.

With 100 miles logged on my Adizeros, there's still a few weeks of training to go... but I might just be a believer in the easy, long run now. I feel that the theories are solid:

• It increases aerobic capacity by stimulating capillary development
• It increases speed/energy production by stimulating mitochondrial development
• It increases aerobic energy availability by increasing myoglobin content in muscle fibers

I believe that this is really about stress adaptation and growth. As a sprinter, I've never really had a "base aerobic fitness" since my body tends to favor anaerobic activity. But with enough consistent adaptation, maybe a half marathon is in my future, after all?

I still have a soft spot for short-distance interval training though. See ya on the track. ;)

Recently Read: The Martian (Andy Weir, 2011)
Currently Reading: Zen in the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance (Robert M. Pirsig, 1974)
Currently Listening: Rivers (Thomas Jack - Hugel Remix)

Things to Do Before I Turn 30!

My 25th birthday recently passed. When I was 21 I made a things to do before I turn 25/26 list and still have a ways to go. So I'll just dump everything in my To Do Before 30 list:

From my 25/26 List:

• Read through the Bible cover to cover at least 3 times. one time.
• Go on a cycling trip across a different country (2-4 weeks).
• Learn Tagalog to a limited working proficiency. Converse with my parents in Taglish.
• Finish a half-marathon for a good cause.

Moar!

• Take my parents on a vacation. Preferably another country. Philippines or Europe.
• Adopt my own dog, implying adequate financial responsibility.
• Finish paying off my car.
• Volunteer for 1-2 months in any of the following countries: India, Nepal, or rural China.
• Learn Mandarin to a limited working proficiency.
• Learn Spanish to a limited working proficiency.
• Learn archery, buy my own archery set, and get really good at it. (<- I really want this to be my zen hobby)
• Write a short sci-fi novella.

Five years doesn't seem long enough to complete these goals.... but it's always nice to have a goal in sight. ;)

Is that all?

faith

noun

1. confidence or trust in a person or thing
2. belief that is not based on proof
3. belief in God or the doctrines or the teachings of religion
4. belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit, etc.
...

The list goes on.

Faith, by the second definition cited here, is irrational. But why do we as humans seem to need it? Has it not been a double-edge sword to human progress?

Faith is often used in science. Some in the scientific community have faith that interstellar space travel will be possible. Some in the scientific community have faith that we will discover cheap, safe, and effective ways to harness renewable energy. The timeline is unknown, sure, but science works towards these goals. However, our current physical models do not support such beliefs. Interstellar travel isn't even theoretically possible right now. Our knowledge of physics is limited. And yet, we have these flashes of brilliance: gravity, string theory, the God particle (Higgs-boson)... that provide glimpses of a world not our own.

Without faith in our own curiosity and search for expansion, would we yield to our limitations?

It's a simple concept, isn't it? Faith?

Faith is used in the absence of knowledge and certainty. Without a belief in whatever thing you want to believe in, we relent to the view of our limited certainties. Inspiration dies.

You can have faith in anything, really- enough to seek out the fruition of that belief. God, renewable energy, interstellar space travel, the soul, etc.

That which you manifest is before you.

Life as we know it is mysterious and I don't believe that this is it.
Keep going, do your best, reach forward into the unknown, and have faith.

Currently Watching: Star Trek: Voyager (Season 4, I'm so obsessed with this show!)

Manifest Destiny (The Art of Racing in the Rain)

Soul food.

That's how I would describe Garth Stein's The Art of Racing in the Rain.

You know that feeling you get after eating warm gourmet mac and cheese or a delicious plate of tachos post-margarita buzz? That feeling. Is. Nice. In the moment: altogether schmaltzy, satisfying, and complete.

This dog book was everything I was looking for when I thought to myself: I need something that doesn't make me hate myself.

That is a weird thought for someone to have (or completely normal but we all just don't want to admit it) but understand where I'm coming from. I recently turned 25 and experienced another episode of an otherwise dormant quarter life crisis (QLC)--a problem in which feelings of insecurity and inadequacy and social comparison all intensify.

To this end, I'd considered putting in time for books like The Defining Decade or 20-Something 20-Everything. quotable self-help books a few of my friends have referenced. But self-help books are even more cheesy than fiction.... and they never seem to tell me something I feel like I don't already know. I like my schmaltz woven into a story. One that makes me bawl, preferably.

Garth's book gives a nod to books like Tuesdays with Morrie or The Alchemist. It's the kind of book that makes me stop and appreciate the struggles I've gone through and the people I've met along the way. And. It encourages me to keep going.

“The sun rises every day. What is to love? Lock the sun in a box. Force the sun to overcome adversity in order to rise. Then we will cheer! I will often admire beautiful sunrise, but I will never consider the sun a champion for having risen.” 

Yes, I cried. I cried not because Enzo the dog died (not a spoiler) but because the dog's point of view is honest and raw and... as one would expect, loyal (man's best friend, after all). It makes the plot wonderfully "human."

The plot is driven by a simple story, not quite original but not so unoriginal as to be cliche. It is about his master's struggles and his personal battle. And his struggles made me so sad but life's difficulties just help you shine brighter. The fact that Denny, Enzo's human, was a racecar driver provided powerful life analogies.

In racecar driving, you must shed your ego to be truly successful. You have to see yourself as part of the universe, part of the track. In racecar driving, "La macchina va dove vanno gli occhi." "The car goes where the eyes go."

"That which you manifest is before you." - One of the main lessons Enzo learns from his master is this mantra. The power of visualization is truly underestimated. When I was in elementary school, we had a daily message we'd say after the pledge, which ended with the phrase "self-fulfilling prophecy." It was positive. We would graduate from high school in 2008 and graduate from college in 2012. But I learned sooner or later that self-fulfilling prophecies applied to negative things as well.

Strangely, this mantra is also about being fully engaged with your present, and not letting the fear of crashing control your vision. You must see the wall, the turn, the rain as part of the racetrack, as part of the collective of elements you must brave. Every composition of fiber and chemicals exists and that existence is hardly alterable. There is no point in dwelling too long on a single object that is not on the road which you must travel.

Not coincidentally, the book resonated with the mantra I've had for the past week: Free Yourself.

Free yourself from hate, envy, 

self-judgement, 

the burn of negativity, 

the confines of fear.

Fight for the choice to 

free yourself.

Give yourself the freedom of love, joy, 

self-compassion, 

to notice the little moments

and savor the breathtaking ones.

My choice is bound to 

these freedoms.

Currently Listening: Waterfalls (Bag Raiders)

Currently Reading: The Art of Racing in the Rain (Garth Stein, 2008)

Why I Feel Average

I'm feeling a bottleneck of emotions right now so here's a break from my usual program to pour out some thoughts. Pardon the authenticity...

One of my driving modes in life is to always share kindness and compassion with and for other people. And when I fail, I will accept all that life has to teach me about kindness and compassion, even when it reveals the ugly side of my egocentricity. I'm not trying to be a saint or anything, I just strongly believe that this world is better forged in love. Maybe I watched too much Disney and other movies as a kid... because, honestly,

"I want to see the world with eyes unclouded by hate." 

Maybe it's cheesy and maybe there are few people in this world that genuinely believe in the "power of love/friendship," as trite as the idea is in movies and popular media. Maybe I just feel more than the average person. Maybe I'm just naive and I've been brainwashed to want to "change the world/my community." Maybe it's all just empty emotion paralyzing me. I can't change the world with just a feeling... and sometimes I feel like these feelings aren't genuine, either. Because it's so difficult to trust the cheesiness of it all.

Maybe, after all, I'm just an average woman.

I'm especially tormented by my averageness when I feel envious, jealous, insecure, or irrational. Illustrate this with my most recent struggles with poverty mentality, body image, an overwhelming need to be validated by my loved one(s), and, most debilitating, a repressed tendency for social comparisons followed by a hidden obsession with social media stalking.

I've grown a lot over the past decade... but I still struggle and I still waste energy and mental bandwidth over these. The best example is this (and this is taking a lot of vulnerability to write): I've never been one to be jealous over exes but when she's a big part of your boyfriend's past, it's hard not to run into her ghosts, like when the world's smallness leads you to meet his high school friends, one of whom you met your boyfriend through. It's somewhat validating to hear that M and I are better matched but, even when this feeds my need for validation, I cringe at the hint of self-satisfaction I get. The only way I can cope with this is by telling myself how much I care about M and that, no matter who the ex was, what she looked like, how different they were, how different we are, she was a huge part of his life. She helped shape his personality, his viewpoints, his weirdness. I love him for those things and ergo, whoever she was, I'm thankful for her and she must be an awesome person to have been a part of his life for so long. I think this is a wonderful and very human way to see such a situation. And, when I have setbacks, this thought often moves me forward. With it, I've made a lot of progress.

Similar coping thoughts keep me forward in other aspects of my life. My body image has improved over the years but I still feel extremely insecure about my muscular and fuller build and body fat percentage. Now that I'm back to full activity, I have no excuses for myself. If I had any self-respect and real self-compassion, I would do what it takes to feel fitter and healthier instead of moping. I've learned to love my muscles and my curves but I'm angry about the body fat. So I wake up in the morning at 6:30 and hit the hills at 7am and most of the time, I really don't want to but by the end, I feel alive again.

It's that feeling of being alive, that feeling of self-respect, that rewards me along the journey. I just need to tackle my "averageness" with determination and wake up each day and...

"DO IT!!" *unh*

I've been unproductive in the past, paralyzed at my most emotional moments. And at those times, I've wished I wasn't so damn emotional. I find that while emotions can be an excellent driving force for action, it definitely seems easier to make yourself devoid of emotion completely. It's less painful, less vulnerable. Emotions as a driving fuel is like trying to harness solar or hydro- power--it can be limitless, renewable, powerful... but they're highly dependent on the weather and difficult to store. Fossil fuels (reason?), in the meantime, are so much more reliable until you learn how to utilize and manage your emotions properly.

Maybe humanity can't really ever let go of emotions because emotions succeed at making you feel alive whereas pure reason would make you feel robotic. It infuses life into what you do. It makes you more compassionate and kind, to yourself and to others. It makes you feel "human," whatever that means.

And if that's average, maybe we all need to be a little bit average...

Recently Watched: Inside Out (2015)
Currently Listening: About You (Fine Print)
Currently Reading: Consider the Lobster: And Other Essays (David Foster Wallace, 2005)

Fine Print - About You

Pride is something we all hide behind. Maybe life teaches what is justified. 
I must confess the past is not behind me yet.
Bring down my name--it only serves to slow me down. 

You know I felt like love was never gonna claim me, every fall was fraught with the sense of going under. But when I think about you babe, it all goes away, the skies have been blue lately (the weather's changing here)... when I think about you babe, when I think about you...

Turning tides is something that is slowly done but deep inside there's nothing we can't overcome. 
Then there are some days when nothing seems to go my way. And all my mistakes: loud as burning thunder. 

And it felt like love was never gonna claim me and it felt so hard to keep from going under.  But when I think about you babe, it all goes away, the skies have been blue lately (the weather's changing here).... when I think about you babe, when I think about you.

Life Updates: Full-Time at UCSF

I no longer have two jobs!

I'm at the Department of Physiological Nursing full time now, under a professor whose name is homonymous with Dr. Who. My main responsibilities include data science (data acquisition, data analysis, data interpretation, database management), project management (running operations for our SuperAlarm project at superalarm4patients.com), and research (my own research project- integrating medications into our SuperAlarm algorithm).

It's very stimulating being here full time as it is fully collaborative within this lab. The School of Nursing and the School of Medicine seem to have very different cultures. Where SON is much more team-oriented, collaborative, and social, SOM seems much more standalone and consists of little islands of research. SOM is still collaborative, but not as intensively as it is where I currently work. In physiological nursing, everyone gets a taste of everyone else's projects and, while being serious about patient care and our expertise, we always try to cultivate teamwork in both social and professional ways.

I really liked my job at Ophthalmology and had the opportunity to travel to Europe thanks to Dr. Damato. The most exciting part about that job was being a part of a technological movement towards patient-centered care. We worked to bring patient-reported outcomes to Ocular Oncology, made headway in creating a database for clinical outcomes in ocular oncology, and integrated that database into our existing EMR (Epic). There are still avenues to return if I want to stick to a career in health IT.

While health IT will always be essential knowledge, a long career in it is not my "Big Dream."

Luckily, one thing I'm starting to love about UCSF (or at least the group I'm with) is that you're allowed to dream and you can make it happen. I'm working my way up to it

Life Updates: ACL Chronicles at 7 Months

Return to full activity

Basketball

Now that the post-operative seventh month mark has passed, I've cleared myself for full activity. So I visited Berkeley to play basketball again with my spicy cilantro team... but in my excitement, I got attacked by a fence and suffered a 2 inch gash on my eyebrow. For a while I had a grey eye (it wasn't so bad as to call it a black eye) that I covered up with extra eye shadow.

Half Dome

In a twist of fate, I also celebrated my return to full activity by hiking Half Dome, a bucket list item I had for about four years now. Thanks to @elainejsu and her sister, I took up the offer for an extra permit for an EPIC Yosemite trip!

We started our hike at 4am and arrived at the cables at 9:30am. Almost to my disappointment, there was no ranger present to check our permits at the top. I've heard that if you start early enough, you might make it in time before the ranger comes and you won't need a permit. A riskier endeavor on weekends, I'd guess. I'll have to do Half Dome again for a SUNRISE HIKE!

Beat the Blerch!

In a previous post, I gave myself some pretty lofty running goals and trained for about 3-4 weeks before I started getting shin splints. I did too much too soon after getting back from surgery.

I've dialed down on the ambition and I'll just try to build my cardiovascular endurance back to 10km. My sister got me to sign up for Beat the Blerch in Sacramento on November 14th. Sixteen weeks to build back up from 1 mile to 6.2 miles.

I'm excited!

Other Active Plans

- Climbing gym at Planet Granite from mid-August through December.

- Archery lessons at SF Archers in February (hooray for living close to a non-profit archers club!) 

- Add to bucket list: Summit Mt. Shasta (Summer 2016)

- Add to bucket list: Outdoor bouldering at Joshua Tree (Winter 2015-16)
- Add to bucket list: Hike through the Grand Canyon! (Spring 2016)

Experiences with the Poverty Mentality

I've always thought I had a "chip on my shoulder" when it came to my socioeconomic background and struggling immigrant parents. It doesn't sound terrible but it's evolved into a struggle with a festering poverty mentality, an attitude that is focused and obsessed with money, or the lack thereof. It can easily prevent you from actually attaining any sort of wealth or happiness.

There are three warning signs:

#1: A constant fixation with money

#2: Anti-rich people attitude

and the most detrimental:

#3: Fear-based decision-making

A high school friend of mine, who is by modern standards very successful, forced me to face this fact a few months ago. I had finally ended my student life and started making money... but not enough to feel comfortable and certainly not enough to help out my family (#1). So every time we'd talk, I'd bring up how I felt out of place and different from the money makers around me in the Bay Area. 

I was obsessed with the contrast of my upbringing with those of the yuppies of SF and more honestly, my boyfriend. I envied all the excessive things that money could buy, like aerial yoga or rock climbing gym memberships. I was concerned with status. I was concerned with not measuring up to my Bay-bred beau.

I didn't realize it but I was becoming very contemptuous (#2). 

Recently, I was in Lausanne with Marvin (admirable for his steadfast and non-judgmental nature) when I decided to make a concrete change in this mindset. We were walking to Lake Geneva to see the sunset. The expenses of Switzerland weighed heavily on my mind--and thoughts about money proliferate naturally to thoughts such as my pedigree. I asked him about the degrees that his parents had and subsequently lamented over my own parents, whose life struggles prevented one from completing a bachelors. At that moment, I realized I was on the way to ruining a perfectly good evening by subconsciously "guilting" him for having had "more." Even if he didn't feel it directly at that moment, that kind of behavior could easily cause resentment on both sides. And resent can be so, so harmful to the health of a relationship.

At that moment, I said: "I have to stop being so hungup on this... I am where I am now, and worked for it, and where I am is awesome." In Switzerland, no less. With my round trip plane tickets paid for by UCSF.

My hangups about money in Switzerland are another example. The first time we bought train tickets there, my mood irrationally plummeted to the point where I didn't want to spend any more even though I had knew I had set aside enough money for the whole Europe trip. I am always afraid of spending and always afraid of losing, which is markedly different from being frugal and simple. The difference is an irrational fear of loss against a logical understanding of necessity.

It is such wasted energy and such a lack of mindfulness for me to feel this way. 

A chip on my shoulder is good fuel to get you started but let's be real. I'm at a pretty good place now and it's time to mature.

#1: Fixation on playing the my cards to the field is better than a fixation on what I don't have in play.

#2: I could be inspired by the success of others rather than harbor resentment.

#3: My decisions should be more motivated by love and a greater desire to make the world a better place.

Lausanne, Switzerland

Classics Club (The Time Machine)

Finally got around to reading *and finishing* the H.G. Wells novella "The Time Machine." It's always a lot of fun reading precursors to my favorites and to popular concepts. Like Dracula, modern references and allusions are illuminated in a much more meaningful way. This scene from Big Bang Theory, for example:

I read this book to pay my respects to Wells as the "grandfather to modern science fiction" (also, I loved The Island of Dr. Moreau). I wish I had read The Time Machine earlier in my literary exploits since I have been spoiled with modern concepts of time travel (Asimov) and dystopian societies. Thus, reading The Time Machine felt almost like reading a children's book. His prose was engaging and his narrative skill was exceptional but the ideas were simple and easy to understand.... Still, the only reason the ideas seemed so simple was because they have been floating around for more than a century. For example, his first chapter introduces the fourth dimension as time and as a basis for time travel--an idea once undelivered to Victorian England but somewhat antiquated to the 21st century.

Aside from science fiction ideas, Wells also illustrated an idea of "devolved" humanity in 800,000 A.D. against The Time Traveller's whimsical notions of human progress. Wells' sociopolitical views were well-represented: that we as a society aim towards progress and comfort, which eliminates the needs for intelligence and physicality. As a result, humanity is in danger of propelling towards an unintentional suicide. It was all very Darwinian and hinted towards the proliferation of the 'natural selection' concept among Wells' contemporaries.

I hold a lot of similar ideas I would want to incorporate into my future writing--and these thoughts are of course descendants of early sci-fi.... but I have yet to develop a knack for conveyance of these ideas. I have much to learn from these early storytellers.

Final thoughts: I marathoned a couple episodes of Bones yesterday. The show has excellent use of an FBI psychologist to drive forward the emotional and psychological aspects of this show. But my favorite part is that Sweets (the psychologist) has his own depth of character. It is said of Sweets and his book, 'like most writing, his book reflects more upon the writer than the content he is writing about.' I thought that was very true and I thought about more, if and when I ever embarked on my own writing, what would be reflected...

Currently Reading: The Time Machine (H.G. Wells, 1895)
Currently Listening: Bad Blood (Taylor Swift ft. Kendrick Lamar)
Vocab Recap: recondite

First World Journey

Three weeks until the post-op six month mark! I really can't believe that it's almost been 6 months since my surgery. And it's crazy in the context of everything that's been happening in the meantime. With my time spent on love, career, money, social life, health/fitness, etc., I am truly living in the first world...

Sometimes, in this world, small things get me down and discourage me. Sometimes, a part of myself climbs out from the catacombs. She rears her resentful head towards people who have grown up with money and more privilege and more opportunity. (According to the Swiss, "envy is the great enemy of happiness.") I'm disappointed in myself every time I find myself resentful or in envy... because I know I was very lucky to be raised in Anaheim. I was very lucky to go to Oxford. I was very lucky to meet the people I did. There is no reason for me to not take those opportunities and live a life more extraordinary than what could have been. In a different reality, my life could have been a very different struggle...

No matter the struggle, though, I like to believe that I'd always become stronger because of one. Struggle makes you fearful... but at the same time: more courageous.

I may say it's hard. I may complain. I may exaggerate 'I'm dying.'
But if life wasn't this difficult, I'd be bored out of my mind.

And now! Fitness goals I've been working towards in the post-surgery period:

Short term

• 1 mile: 7:00
• 2 mile: 16;00
• Work up to a solid 5km

Long term (1 year from now)

• 1 mile: 6:30
• 12km: 56:00
• Don't die after 11 mile hikes...

I need to work more on sports-specific training..

Past race times

• 12km: 1:01:56 | pace 8:18/mi | B2B 2014, San Francisco #42 age/gender
• 10km: 0:50:50 | pace 8:11/mi | Standard Chartered Hong Kong Marathon 10km 2012
• 10km: 0:50:56 | pace 8:12/mi | Clearwater Bay Chase 2012, Hong Kong
• 400m: 0:01:10 (70'') | HKUST A-Meet 2011

Currently Listening: I Want You to Know (Zedd ft. Selena Gomez), Call You Home (Kelvin Jones - Zwete edit)

Currently Reading: The Geography of Bliss: One Grump's Search for the Happiest Places in the World (Eric Weiner)
Recently Watched: Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)
Vocab Recap: perspicacious

Bits and Pieces (microblog #3)

The words of love that run through my head:

Vulnerable

yet-

Never so real or complete,

safe, special, wanted,

soothing my soul,

be my best: optimism, zest,

washing dishes, fixing beds,

cooking dinner,

together,

make you happy

stuff of mad respect and admiration

competence, ability,

quirkiness, quiet confidence,
amazing, cool,

the perfect combination of nerdy and badass,
honeymoon phase

want to know you even more,

what makes you tick,

what and who made you you

courage, learning,

invincible,

jump into the ocean

fall asleep, holding hands,

warm, comforting,

connection

Reminders

Yesterday, I serendipitously met the family member of a deceased patient over the phone.

"May I speak to Charles, please?" (names have been changed)
"May I know who this is?"
"My name is Andrea, I'm calling from UCSF on behalf of Dr. Bern."
"Oh, hello! I'm sorry, Andrea, to tell you, that Charles passed away last Sunday."

It was unexpected for me. I've been meeting patients in oncology for more than a year but I'd always seen them in the middle of treatments. I never really found myself at "the end." I had no idea what to say, really. But the first thing that I wanted to do was ask how she was.

"I'm still in a daze." But there was a certain reverie in her voice when she spoke about him. Cancer patients have a very special fate: they have enough time to anticipate the end... Before his death, Charles had seen it coming and he willed his friends and family to not mourn his departure but rather celebrate his life, to not to wear black, and to have a genuinely good time with each other. "He was a spirit walking around on this earth."

When this kind woman began to tear up over the phone, I felt so much empathy that I also started tearing up too. And as she described his celebration, I could picture the joy and wisdom of that patient's soul even though I had never met him in person.

Wouldn't it would be wonderful to have such an overwhelmingly joyous soul that it is felt even by people you've never met? Sharing genuine joy and appreciating what you have while creating something better on this life adventure--that's pretty amazing.

While working in oncology, the patients I've seen have displayed a huge range of different coping mechanisms. Some are anxious and avoid talking about their problem while others want to face their condition head on and still others are extremely stoic. Emotional reactions go between anger, skepticism, shock, fear, and relief.

I am humbled as I ruminate on how I'd react in the face of certain trials. I don't know how I'd react if placed on the battlefields of cancer. But for those in helping professions, it's the fighters we come to admire. So I would hope to be a fighter.

All I know is that I am in the healthcare industry because I want the ability to give to others--to give not just a treatment or a device that can save lives but to give out the tools and knowledge everyone needs to be a fighter in the face of certain adversities. That desire helps me fight my smaller, more trivial battles, every day.

"You should enjoy the little detours. To the fullest. Because that's where you'll find the things more important than what you want."

Currently Watching: Hunter x Hunter (2011 anime)
Currently Reading: Mother Night (Kurt Vonnegut, 1961)

BAY Hiking

The Bay Area is one of those places that has incredibly effortless access to awesome hikes, great views, and city life. It's a great place for people who like to stay active... which is why I sort of envision the prototypical Bay Area Yuppie to reek of the following characteristics:

• yoga enthusiast
• membership to a climbing/crossfit/aerial yoga gym
• some kind of animal person (most likely dog so you can take it on your outdoor adventures with you)
• foodie with [typically self-imposed] dietary restrictions
• has tried online dating

It's incredibly easy to get into all these things with how well tech jobs pay in San Francisco. And understandably, if you have the means to care for your health, why not? Yoga builds flexibility and strength; climbing/crossfit gives you a total body exercise; et cetera, et cetera.

Maybe, like me, you are averse to the conventional and don't want to succumb to yuppie-hood. I like to think I maintain some semblance of my roots through basketball and frugality. In many ways, however, I am on my way to assimilating BAY characteristics for what they are worth. Health, independence, being career-oriented... they're pretty decent qualities for people my age...

Hiking here is especially rewarding (especially with a great partner to motivate these explorations). Outdoor running in the Bay Area never gets boring. It burns my legs but it's never boring. Here are some examples:

San Bruno Mountain State Park, Daly City/Brisbane

The Dish Trail at the Stanford Foothills, Stanford

Westborough, South San Francisco

The Big C, Berkeley

Beaches along PCH (Pacifica -> Pescadero)

Muir Woods National Monument, Mill Valley

Hills... mountains... beaches... the Bay Area has it all. It is reason enough to move out here for at least some portion of your life. 

Cupiditas

A common saying, and an apt generalization, is "money is the root of all evil." or Radix malorum est cupiditas, a Latin translation of Paul's first epistle to Timothy. Greed (love of money) is the source of all sorts of evil.

Money is a great enabler of freedom. With freedom comes the ability to play give and take with the world. Great responsibility.

As a result, "evil" is enabled.

Still, great "good" is also possible.

In the natural search for freedom, our desires run free, either untamed or disciplined. "Evil" and "good" are both enabled here as well.

Hmm.

Paved Paradise

On Sunday, I checked off the "Filed my own taxes for the first time" box on the "All Grown Up" list! That means... money for my travel to Europe this summer! Yay!

Just gonna post pictures from Google images and a few activities/sites of interest that will help excite me. :D

Paris, France (4 days, ISOO Conference): The Louvre, Eiffel Tower, 

London, U.K. (2.5 days): British Museum, Big Ben, Abbey Road, Taste of London
Outside London: Stonehenge, Oxford?

Berlin, Gemany (3 days): biking, Berlin Wall, nightlife, Reichstag, photoautomaten, Holocaust Memorial, fleamarkets: Flohmarkt am Arkonaplatz 

The Alpen, Switzerland (5.5 days): Inn to inn hiking! :D

Barcelona, Spain: Guell Park, Climbing, Beach/sailing?, nightlife
Outside Barcelona: Montserrat

Currently Listening: Big Yellow Taxi (Counting Crows)

Playing Telephone

Work's been pretty busy. Progress since last blog entry? Have I become a machiiine? Have I become angry? Not quite yet but I have been getting more productive. That or there's just so much work that I have no choice to be....

Still getting mindsplit between the two jobs but it's very engaging and I'm never bored, so yay! Next to my original workload, helping with two grants, clinical data collection, document validation, and patient recruitment, I've been learning how to use SQL Server Integration Services, used for data integration and workflow applications and dabbing in MATLAB for data analysis.

From a high level, dealing with data at UCSF and Epic isn't easy. It's kind of like a game of telephone:

• Hospital staff collect and input the data into Epic as they observe them. If the data is not structured, they will enter free text.
• The data is cached in Epic. The software and data model is designed by software engineers.
• Cached data is sent to a relational database (SQL). Which can then be copied into separate databases. The SQL database and data structure is adapted to cached data by software engineers and data scientists.
• Clinicians request data reported in a way they can interpret and analyze.
• Analysts (programmers, computer scientists, data scientists etc) extract data from SQL or other database sources.
• Research assistants analyze the data extractions.
• Clinicians improve or change their practice based on data analysis.

For this to work smoothly, a good understanding of what happens at every part of this pathway is necessary. It is important for everyone to understand data flow and how things get captured clinically and electronically. But providers in a busy large research hospital do not always have the bandwidth to be mindful of data methods. In the moment of service, patients should always come first.

How do we put everybody on the same page?

The easiest way is to change the way hospital staff interfaces with data input and output methods in the first step. Increasing the intuitiveness of graphical user interfaces (GUI) and the data feedback loop will:

• Increase staff awareness on the importance of meaningful data input
• Increase staff appreciation for data output
• Increase the need for standardizing methods of other types of data. (For example, images need to be stored and interpreted.)

What other solutions are there?

Machination

I must become a machine....

I met a physical therapist with whom I want to volunteer some time with over the next few months so I can learn more there. She is chair emeritus of the PT department. On Tuesdays she wakes up at 3 or 4AM, gets to UCSF to teach a group fitness class at 6AM, sees patients all morning, does leader duties until the evening, works out, gets home and does work and goes to sleep around midnight.

That feels like an inundation with insanity. But she does it all and she appears to be wildly successful.

As someone who operates in extremes and all-or-nothing, I don't think I've ever gone into full machine mode. And I think that it would be useful to obtain a machine mode. 

Subsequently, I can learn how to balance machine mode and life mode.

So, in addition to adding ferocity (aka anger) to my emotional repertoire, I must become an effing machine! These should be the central themes of my life for the next few months before Paris in June.

... not that I would completely disregard my social or empathic abilities - I just want to be able to explore these other opposed abilities. Next focus of my life after ferocity and machination will probably be emotional intelligence.

Currently Reading: Mother Night (Kurt Vonnegut, 1961)

Currently Listening: Come Away With Me (Norah Jones)

#ferocity #machination #alacrity

What Are You Angry About? (Fixing Healthcare)

OKAY.

I've been reading this book, recently "Where Does It Hurt?: An Entrepreneur's Guide to Fixing Healthcare" and came across an interesting passage:

I reached the conclusion not long ago that anger, either white hot or smoldering, is a fundamental fuel for entrepreneurs. They don't have to be angry all of the time, of course; that would be no fun for anyone. But it helps if deep down they nurse some wound, grievance, or perhaps a sense of injustice. The anger gets them stoked. I think Steve Jobs was often angry. I often see myself as friendly and humorous. Sometimes I am, but in thinking through phases of my life for this book, I realized that during many of my most productive stretches, I was seething, and also terrified of impending failure. This combination of fear and anger, along with a good bit of luck, served me well during those difficult months.(p.54)

In lieu of this, I wondered what my great motivators were and what it would take for me to become successful. What would it take to be the productive machine that can accomplish all the wonderful, noble things I'd like to accomplish in life?

All my life, I believed it to be passion. (defined: "strong and barely controllable emotion")

I also believed that there are two forces at tension driving human behaviors: a pulling force, akin to love, that forces us to fight and a pushing force, akin to fear, that forces us in flight. We need both a pulling force and a pushing force to keep us moving forward.

Now, I am generally a very agreeable woman. Anger and strong opinions are just not part of my interpersonal repertoire. I like to believe I'm guided primarily by love and compassion.

Maybe I've been conditioned to dismiss anger as a negative fruitless emotion so I've never allowed myself to be angry. I was afraid of feeling angry and aggressively defending my ideals. I've been angry before, at people, and it was uncontrolled and untapped and sometimes hurtful. I can be scathing and cruel (hard to believe, I know, but just ask my ex). I would always feel guilt and shame, like a classic Mr. Hyde, and maybe that's why I'm so afraid of the emotion. 

However, the running theme in the past few months of my life has been the dissipation of fear--facing my personal demons head on. If demons are fallen angels, then anger is a corrupted emotion spun out of love and the need for preservation. Anger can be a force that helps us to fight for that which we seek to love and protect. Unbridled, however, it is as harmful as Cyclops' optic blasts.

Don't be afraid to admit you nurse your own wounds, grievances, or sense of injustice.

What am I angry about?

The broken and archaic healthcare system? The limitations of human movement? My friends and family getting hurt? Growing up less "privileged" than most of my colleagues in the Bay Area?

Will I ever own a rehabilitation clinic focused on new research/technologies? Write that sci-fi novel? Write those short stories? Will I ever go on that volunteer trip abroad? Will I ever be able to give back to my parents? So many smoldering ambitions and so many energy resource options...

I don't agree fully with Bush's statement on entrepreneurs and anger. But perhaps anger is an emotion I should let myself explore.

Also, a good video between Malcolm Gladwell and David Goldhill:

The Big Story: Fixing Healthcare

Currently Reading: Where Does It Hurt?: An Entrepreneur's Guide to Fixing Health Care (Jonathan Bush, 2014); Jailbird (Kurt Vonnegut, 1979)

Currently Listening: Bad Girl (Usher)


Brainstorming thoughts
Energy resources / Analogous motivators:
Solar energy = love
Wind power = fear
Fossil fuel = anger?
Hydroelectric = physical

Catch and Release

After a swing of self-avoidance drove me to a few sleepless nights, I finally realized that the only thing to do is ... to actually do something. Instead of blogging last night to alleviate my restlessness, I did what any crazy person would: I followed my impulses to go watch the sunrise. 

This funny balancing act of patience and action, catching and releasing, has me occasionally jumping off the deep end.

It doesn't help that the seasons are changing and an increase in daylight might be causing a physiological effect resembling mental restlessness.

But... more daylight means summer is coming!

It means more sunrises and sunsets and summer meteor showers.

It means playing tennis on a warm Saturday afternoon and feeling sunkissed afterwards.

It means more energy to get in shape and work on my personal side projects.

It means friends' weddings and good times with good people.

It means dancing lessons and hiking adventures and new experiences <3.

In April, I'm volunteering at the annual conference for the International Society for Computerized Electrocardiography held in San Jose!

In June, I'm going to Paris for the International Society for Ocular Oncology for a workshop! I am finally taking that biking trip in Europe, yo.

I'm also planning a mini-instagram project with Stellina (#adventureswithmyunicorn) and Kepler (#wolfyadventures). The two will continue going on their respective adventures hoping to one day to find the one they can journey with together. They will often just barely cross paths. They will be happy but whimsical, often unable to place cosmic significance on the events that transpire during their adventures but feeling like they should. I'm still storyboarding but this was a really good idea inspired by Leo.

Though the future can be terrifying, I have many reasons to be brave. 

Many uncertainties also mean infinite possibilities. 

Currently Listening: Catch & Release (Deepend Remix) - Matt Simons,

Hide and Seek

In a few of my many pensive moments, I've attempted to write down what I'd like to be remembered by when my mortality catches up with me. I've got the basic ideas:

• an inspiring, charming person who was
• strong-willed and kind-hearted,
• weird in an endearing, d.g.a.f way,
• courageous, active, a leader,
• loving, happy, and zesty.

I almost feel a reflex of shame as I think about how I'd like to be remembered. Maybe because I'm not there yet or maybe because I've been conditioned against any sense of self, confidence, and overly-sentimental mentalities. Against this reflex, I just want to slap myself silly and say, who the f**k cares? So what you want to leave a legacy? Many people, deep down, are searching for a legacy and deeper meanings to their meager existences! Just know that somehow, you're going to write a book, forge new paths in health services, and make sweet, sweet love wherever you go. (Calm your silly minds, can I just use words without double entendre?)

Spitefully, I'm dissatisfied with my current legacy palette. I just can't pinpoint the missing ingredient. A little more spunk? More polarization? Or are my amiability and ability to see from other POVs facets of personality that cannot thrive in extremity? Can I start drawing lines in the sand without compromising the colors of the wind?

In the end, thinking about a potential legacy deeply means I must face my internal values and the pitfalls of my ego. I am by no means perfect and nowhere near a finished product. There are many other things I'd like to become and I'd be lying if I said that I would be completely at peace with my life if I died today. Boiled down: my internal compass directs me towards human relationships and passing on love, hope, curiosity, and exploration. Simply because those things, to me, are beautiful. And I'm happy that I have today, and hopefully tomorrow, to reach for those beautiful things.

Give a little time to me- we'll burn this out- We'll play hide and seek #givemelove

Currently Listening: Give Me Love (Ed Sheeran); Night Changes (One Direction)

Whims of Time Travel (microblog #2)

'If you could live each day twice,

Source: Libby Watkins Illustration

The first, take life as it comes,
The second, savor every moment's strums-
Change not a thing.'

'If you could live each present best,
Project the ends ahead by a day,
Prepare for the hurt and optimize the sway-
Change not a thing.'

I only know this: I need a rhythm.
Music can only be played in time,
So the only way to dance is in step-rhyme.
I can't change a thing.

But if a lifelong dream's a crime,
I would choose to be yours, as two outlaws,
Navigating time, a one-way dance without pause.
I won't change a thing.

Kite Flyer (microblog #1)

We are tunneled into looking at moments two, maybe thousands, of steps ahead- and we tether, often, onto moments of the past.

As a result, we fail to notice the moments we have in the palms of our hands. But these are often truer than the past or present ones.

These are the ones where your heart and your mind can meet.

When he and I both looked up at the sky, holding the same strings, it was just that kite and us: that kite was the moment, in the palms of our hands, prancing with the temporal winds and the twilight. 

And just for a twinkling second, my heart and mind seemed to agree on something beautiful.