First World Journey

Three weeks until the post-op six month mark! I really can't believe that it's almost been 6 months since my surgery. And it's crazy in the context of everything that's been happening in the meantime. With my time spent on love, career, money, social life, health/fitness, etc., I am truly living in the first world...

Sometimes, in this world, small things get me down and discourage me. Sometimes, a part of myself climbs out from the catacombs. She rears her resentful head towards people who have grown up with money and more privilege and more opportunity. (According to the Swiss, "envy is the great enemy of happiness.") I'm disappointed in myself every time I find myself resentful or in envy... because I know I was very lucky to be raised in Anaheim. I was very lucky to go to Oxford. I was very lucky to meet the people I did. There is no reason for me to not take those opportunities and live a life more extraordinary than what could have been. In a different reality, my life could have been a very different struggle...

No matter the struggle, though, I like to believe that I'd always become stronger because of one. Struggle makes you fearful... but at the same time: more courageous.

I may say it's hard. I may complain. I may exaggerate 'I'm dying.'
But if life wasn't this difficult, I'd be bored out of my mind.

And now! Fitness goals I've been working towards in the post-surgery period:

Short term

• 1 mile: 7:00
• 2 mile: 16;00
• Work up to a solid 5km

Long term (1 year from now)

• 1 mile: 6:30
• 12km: 56:00
• Don't die after 11 mile hikes...

I need to work more on sports-specific training..

Past race times

• 12km: 1:01:56 | pace 8:18/mi | B2B 2014, San Francisco #42 age/gender
• 10km: 0:50:50 | pace 8:11/mi | Standard Chartered Hong Kong Marathon 10km 2012
• 10km: 0:50:56 | pace 8:12/mi | Clearwater Bay Chase 2012, Hong Kong
• 400m: 0:01:10 (70'') | HKUST A-Meet 2011

Currently Listening: I Want You to Know (Zedd ft. Selena Gomez), Call You Home (Kelvin Jones - Zwete edit)

Currently Reading: The Geography of Bliss: One Grump's Search for the Happiest Places in the World (Eric Weiner)
Recently Watched: Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)
Vocab Recap: perspicacious

Bits and Pieces (microblog #3)

The words of love that run through my head:

Vulnerable

yet-

Never so real or complete,

safe, special, wanted,

soothing my soul,

be my best: optimism, zest,

washing dishes, fixing beds,

cooking dinner,

together,

make you happy

stuff of mad respect and admiration

competence, ability,

quirkiness, quiet confidence,
amazing, cool,

the perfect combination of nerdy and badass,
honeymoon phase

want to know you even more,

what makes you tick,

what and who made you you

courage, learning,

invincible,

jump into the ocean

fall asleep, holding hands,

warm, comforting,

connection

Reminders

Yesterday, I serendipitously met the family member of a deceased patient over the phone.

"May I speak to Charles, please?" (names have been changed)
"May I know who this is?"
"My name is Andrea, I'm calling from UCSF on behalf of Dr. Bern."
"Oh, hello! I'm sorry, Andrea, to tell you, that Charles passed away last Sunday."

It was unexpected for me. I've been meeting patients in oncology for more than a year but I'd always seen them in the middle of treatments. I never really found myself at "the end." I had no idea what to say, really. But the first thing that I wanted to do was ask how she was.

"I'm still in a daze." But there was a certain reverie in her voice when she spoke about him. Cancer patients have a very special fate: they have enough time to anticipate the end... Before his death, Charles had seen it coming and he willed his friends and family to not mourn his departure but rather celebrate his life, to not to wear black, and to have a genuinely good time with each other. "He was a spirit walking around on this earth."

When this kind woman began to tear up over the phone, I felt so much empathy that I also started tearing up too. And as she described his celebration, I could picture the joy and wisdom of that patient's soul even though I had never met him in person.

Wouldn't it would be wonderful to have such an overwhelmingly joyous soul that it is felt even by people you've never met? Sharing genuine joy and appreciating what you have while creating something better on this life adventure--that's pretty amazing.

While working in oncology, the patients I've seen have displayed a huge range of different coping mechanisms. Some are anxious and avoid talking about their problem while others want to face their condition head on and still others are extremely stoic. Emotional reactions go between anger, skepticism, shock, fear, and relief.

I am humbled as I ruminate on how I'd react in the face of certain trials. I don't know how I'd react if placed on the battlefields of cancer. But for those in helping professions, it's the fighters we come to admire. So I would hope to be a fighter.

All I know is that I am in the healthcare industry because I want the ability to give to others--to give not just a treatment or a device that can save lives but to give out the tools and knowledge everyone needs to be a fighter in the face of certain adversities. That desire helps me fight my smaller, more trivial battles, every day.

"You should enjoy the little detours. To the fullest. Because that's where you'll find the things more important than what you want."

Currently Watching: Hunter x Hunter (2011 anime)
Currently Reading: Mother Night (Kurt Vonnegut, 1961)