A few key updates:
1 - Job hunt. I wish I could say my efforts have been increased but I'm still riding the waves right now and turning in job applications without much investment. I've had a few leads but no final words yet but it doesn't really bother me right now. I have Uber and Lyft in the meantime and I'm capable of living off what I have so far. We'll see where things go. On the plus side, I'm realizing more that I would really like to continue doing research so I can feel proud of any publications I can get. Orthopedics or neuroscience? I guess it depends what I fall into and the project that I end up working on? Both are exciting fields tome.
2 - Injuries and pursuit of hobbies. Having sprained my knee recently and getting somewhat sidelined from any and all physical activity, I've grown restless from the lack of external stimuli. Where it was once basketball, running, and gym, I now tend to obsess over small details in my social life or school life - both incredibly annoying and tedious things to obsess over especially since obsession tends to paralyze me rather than call me to action.
With the distractions of school and sports and heartbreak/heartmake, I haven't really had time to pursue any of my mental, more private hobbies. Examples - reading classic novels, thought-provoking media content, guitar, etc... I can't remember the last time I read a good book... the last one of note was probably Neuromancer. I haven't had time to read anything worth my time. Familiarizing myself with philosophy/theology has been something on the backburner. So I suppose I'm looking forward to getting back into my more "introverted" hobbies once I start working (read: adult) life. Also, I've been meaning to improve my coding skillz. I've heard of a girl who gave herself a new coding project every week so she could improve. I'll keep people updated on that.
“It’s not all bad. Heightened self-consciousness, apartness, an inability to join in, physical shame and self-loathing—they are not all bad. Those devils have been my angels. Without them I would never have disappeared into language, literature, the mind, laughter and all the mad intensities that made and unmade me.” s. fry3 - An improved family relationship. One thing I've struggled with in my life is coming to terms with bitterness about my past. I don't think that it's a unique struggle. I particularly harbored angry feelings towards being "held back," overprotected, taught to worry and obsess over consequences that haven't happened, and forced to be independent too soon. Of course, a part of that anger is from misplaced blame. Everyone is messed up in their own way from their own pasts. And life is a series of lessons that help you unlearn all the mechanisms you've developed to help you deal with personal traumas.
My parents and I have come a very long way. Since my graduation ceremon(ies), I've turned these questions over in my head constantly: I wonder if distance really makes the heart grow fonder? Or if it was that I let them into my life (slowly) or became Facebook friends (with some filter). Can relationships be slowly mended with a simple, detectable change in perspective and heart from both sides? Is this unique to familial relationships? At what point did we start to trust each other more?
My dad shared something with me when we had lunch at Cheeseboard:
Dad: "You know, it's nice spending time with you. When you're not at home, we don't think about you as often anymore."
Me: "Uh... you don't think about me?"
Dad: "Oh, except when you don't respond to our text messages or phone calls. It's like we don't worry about you anymore."
This is a really big revelation. My dad has always been a HUGE worrier. A worrywart. It was part of what made growing up so difficult for me - and it's what makes "worrying" and "obsession" so paralyzing when I get trapped in it. This tells me that he is indeed a happier person now and that he is beginning to trust me, or, at the very least, his need for absolute control has diminished. I'm incredibly happy that family life is improving. And even more happy for my dad who is becoming someone who is more at peace with himself. <3
4 - Matters of the heart. I hesitate to write about this stuff in my blog because I know that anybody could end up reading this so I apologize for my intentional vagueness.
I don't think I've been my best when it comes to taking care of my heart. I've learned too well how to disguise a locked heart with openness and enthusiasm. Someone once jokingly asked me if I had "intimacy problems" and, not aware that it was a joke, I answered honestly: "Maybe..." From an objective standpoint, yes, it's hard to believe that anybody who'd been emotionally invested in a long-term relationship would not be afraid of "getting too close" to someone. There's always the fear that you will screw up again and repeat the same mistakes. There's always the fear that the other party will abandon you.
Am I over the person associated with my last relationship? Yes, I'd say so. But I don't believe that I'll ever stop seeing the world through some sort of relationship filter anymore. And isn't that what growing up is? Each life experience gives us a new filter to see through. I guess wisdom is carefully choosing which filter you see through at different moments in your life. These days I wonder if I've chosen to see life strictly through some filters as a form of self-punishment.. but that is food for later thought...
Still, I think I've come out stronger. Therapy and school counseling, my awesome friends, tending carefully to my confidence levels, and immersing myself in physical activity have helped. Unfortunately, progress is thrown off by regression very easily. The moment I step out of my comfort zone, I become blindsided and life becomes complicated again. I'm afraid of hurting people, afraid of getting hurt, afraid of... putting myself out there. While on this process towards self-discovery, part of me screams... 'Is getting feelings mixed up really necessary?!?'
Without going into too much detail, the number one feeling I look for in a relationship: someone that invokes respect from me. Even a sort of reverence. I don't think I could ever fully love someone I didn't respect for their qualities (good or bad) and the way the carry themselves in failure and defeat. Second feeling: trust, partnership, epic friendship, teamwork... never feeling alone...
Also: every girl has to have a checklist. Here are a few things on mine.
- morning person
- sporty
- work ethic
- a balanced risk-taker
- ability to communicate
- Disney buff who doesn't think it's ridiculous to rock out to Disney songs (out loud)
